"Stuck In The Middle With You"

"And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep the smile from my face
Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place"

More often than not, break-ups between couples are pretty rough on both parties. As anyone who's known someone who's gone through a break-up will know, those going through the break-up aren't the only ones affected by the event. Their friends and family, the ones they confide in, have to step up to the plate and be there, ears ready to listen and shoulders ready for leaning on. But what happens when the two people who have broken up are both good friends of yours? What if one of your friends involved in the break-up is smitten with your best friend? It's a difficult situation, no doubt. Well, I'll tell you how it is to be stuck in the middle... because that's what happened to me!

For the sake of ambigiuity and simplicity, my three friends shall, from now until the end of this post, be known as Duffy, Lou, and Smokey.

Their break-up occurred in early November but the seeds of this separation had long been sown. They'd hid it well; I had no idea it was coming. In the last months of their relationship, I spent a fair amount of time with Duffy and Lou. Perhaps I'd noticed that they weren't as lovey-dovey as they once were but I had no idea that their relationship teetered on the brink of dissolution.
And, apparently, Lou didn't see it coming either.
When it finally happened, he took it pretty hard. Very hard, actually. He began entertaining irrational thoughts and ideas and I did my very best to help him through this time (or at least I tried to be there as much as he would let me). Duffy, on the other hand, was quite relieved to be out of this relationship, and rightfully so. She'd shared with me (without going into too much detail) how much she'd sacrificed and how she'd felt obligated to stay with him for so long (just over two years).
I never like to see anyone hurting, especially close friends. I try to make a point of being unbiased; never taking sides and trying to help people see multiple perspectives on a situation. Sometimes it's what they want to hear, other times it isn't. I was glad that I'd conciously decided to be this way because now it was very natural and easy for me not to take sides with one friend and against the other. Still, it panged me to see that it had not worked out for these young lovers.

But no break-up story is ever truly the same and this one certainly has its own unique twist.
My best friend, Smokey, the closest thing I'll ever have to a brother, also hung out with Duffy and I frequently. We spent a lot of time together, especially in the last four months or so (leading up to early November).
Apparently, during this time, Smokey had developed something of a crush on our female friend. This was another thing I was kept in the dark about. Of course, I can understand why: Since, at the time, Duffy was still in her relationship with Lou, he didn't want anyone to think that he'd maybe want to steal her away or was having carnal thoughts of the like (though I know him too well to ever think that of him).
Shortly after the break-up, Smokey met up with Duffy and it was clear something was bothering her. Now, Smokey can sometimes be stubborn when forcing information out of people (not to be confused with convincing, mind you) and he'd managed to squeeze a rather juicy secret out of dear Duffy: She had secretly been harboring feelings towards him as of late.
This revelation was, by no means, the catalyst for Duffy and Lou's break-up but it certainly didn't help the situation Lou and I found ourselves in afterwards.

The night after they'd professed their love for each other, Duffy and Smokey met up with me to tell me (somewhat awkwardly) about what had happened. In that moment I was very happy for them. I mean, Duffy, whom I love like a little sister, and Smokey, whom I love like a twin brother, finding happiness together. It was quite grand. However, at the same time, I was fully aware of the consequences this might have concerning Lou.
They'd included in their tale that they had told him about their new-found revelations. In the weeks that followed, Lou was a wreck and I quickly felt the strain of being happy for my friends and sympathizing with my other friend. I found it hard to happy be around Duffy and Smokey because I knew that it was the cause of Lou's sadness, and I found it difficult to truly and completely feel sympathetic towards Lou because I was happy that two of my best friends were now a happy couple.

And so, here I stand in the middle of the road, and with traffic coming at me from both sides, I'm certainly feeling the strain from this situation, from always being in the middle of things, and from ALWAYS being the third wheel. But, I need to be there for my friends. My attention, discretion, loyalty, and consultation is all I have to give and, ready or not, right now is one of those times I have to step up to the plate.

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"

"But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)"

It's been an... eventful couple of weeks since I was last here. Too much to fit properly into one entry. It hasn't been a pretty couple-of-weeks either. I have made a few attempts to actually put together and convey what has transpired in a single blog entry. The problem is the reason I document events or happenings or feelings throughout my life is because I take something from them; because I not only experience the atheistic properties of an event but seek to discover why I am so affected by it; because I absorb something from these experiences and this helps me reflect upon the changes they have brought about in me and allows me to better understand myself.

I've had a lot of time to think. Perhaps too much. Perhaps I always think too much. In any case, as much as I feel the need to write on recent events, I don't feel it is quite the time to do so. Maybe I'm waiting to heal a bit more. Maybe, I want a little more restraint before I manifest how I feel in writing. But there's an urge to write. And I will... just not now.

"Man I Used To Be"

"...I just wanna get back to me
Aww baby, hoo hoo
Back into the man I used to be"

Some time last year, I checked my inbox and there was an ad for a free trial for the online relationship site eHarmony. Several of these emails had made their way into my inbox in the past and this was no surprise to me. It was, as in emails past, an offer for a free personality test and viewing of matches in my area.
Now, I don't usually go for this kind of stuff, but I was in a bit of a lonely mood and I thought, what the hell, why not give it a shot. Besides, a co-worker whom I used to work with at a warehouse told me that's were he met his then-fiance. What could I lose?
To my surprise, the questionnaire was quite long and detailed. I figured it would be a short page asking my gender, my age, my race, my orientation. I was very wrong. I took my time, answering the questions honestly. I even went back to change some of the answers I had too briskly answered.
It took me around a half hour to fill out all the questions. The results, I found, were startlingly accurate, even to point of revealings things about me I didn't know (as in hadn't put the pieces together) or was to modest to admit.

In each category it provide a detailed explanation of how you interact with others and how people may respond to you, both positively and negatively. I found that much of what I understood about myself matched up with what my results and put it into words I'd never use if talking about myself or because I'm too modest to admit it.
Most who know me know I have pretty poor self-esteem, especially when we're dealing with the romantic realm. But, I figured, you know, I'm feeling pretty good about myself after taking this questionnaire. I answered honestly and I got honest answers back; answers I wouldn't admit to. So, I figured I'd proceed to next page: the potential "matches" page.
Here's what it said:

eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process. We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

EPIC FAIL!
The results from this questionnaire were brought to my attention recently by another email from eHarmony. When I viewed my results again, I compared myself then with myself now. Lately I've been thinking that I'm so very different from who I was not a year ago. But when comparing my past and present self, I've found I'm not as different as I thought I was. Perhaps more jaded and a lot less "energetic" and "lively" and definitely "more inhibited".
Back in 2007, I remember I was very happy with who I was, even before I took this questionnaire. I felt content with myself as opposed to much of this year in which I've often found myself lacking in everything I was. Now, I see that maybe, with the current state of affairs being what they are, maybe I'm not such a bad guy...

...and maybe there really is a match for me.

PS: NEW BOND MOVE COMING OUT NOV.14th!!! The opening scene has been leaked! Watch it here!