"The years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searching
Searching for shelter again and again"
You don't have to read every past entry in my blog for this year to know that it's been quite a turmoltuous year for me. I went and read a fair amount of the entries from this year. It was, as one person who apparently reads this dribble said, "depressing". 2008 sucked... 2008 sucked hard!
It wasn't all bad though, I have to admit. Though they were few and far between, there were a few good days here and there; a few events that truly made me glad I got up that morning. Two of these accounts are recorded in the entries "Never Surrender" and "In Your Eyes". Aside from these two accounts, I also had two very good friends of mine reconcile their differences and we can now hang out together, as we once did... well, sort of. (Another very good day was the day Metal Gear Solid 4 was released... I played for 13 hours straight that day.)
I'm trying really really hard to find things that I can really be grateful and happy about this year, but I'm having a very hard time doing so. Even the good stuff I've mentioned, more or less, ended somewhat bitterly: My friend mentioned in the entry "In your Eyes" now shuns me and does her very best to avoid any sort of contact with me; the two friends who had kissed and made up... actually kissed and made out and now I take on my ever-recurring role as third wheel (or (odd-number)-wheel); Metal Gear Solid 4 was reportedly the final installment in the video game series that revolutionized the way I view video games.
I must say, though, if I'm taking anything positive away from this year it is that I've learned to appreciate the little minute things more than ever. As sad as it might sound, I appreciate every moment someone takes to spend with me; every time a co-worker greets me in passing rather than looking at the ground to avoid talking to me; Every kind word, every smile sent my way.
A lot of shit's fallen on me this year and it doesn't look like I'll be leaving 2008 behind smelling like roses. That doesn't mean I've given up hope for 2009 being a good year (though it wouldn't be too hard to best 2008). After all, a conflict or any other kind of prolonged event is rarely ever measured accurately in increments of time. This was a bad year, yes, but just because 2008 is over doesn't mean I'm in the clear. Today, I'm fighting to keep myself alive... Tomorrow, in 2009, I'll be doing the same. Nothing changes.
Changes may... will only come in time and I hope I live to see the day when I'll be able to wake up in the morning and just live and love my life.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
"Can't Smile Without You"
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you
I must admit, I do love the holiday season. There's just something about this time of year that just brings people together, whatever the excuse. Be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus or whatever people celebrate at this time of year, people are enjoying themselves and glad to see the current year coming to a close (I know I am).
But, aside from all the festivities, it's my favorite part of the year. It's my favorite time of the year because I get to unleash the selfish bastard within... and this holiday season is more important to me than any other I've experienced.
Now, it's not being selfish in the traditional sense. Not in the sense that I go and collect things and hoard it all for myself... O.K. so , maybe it is in that sense, but it's not in the way that most would think! I should probably explain myself before you get the impression that I'm a filthy Scrooge.
When I try to think of things that make me happier than making other people happy, I tend to draw a blank. There's a certain satisfaction that comes with knowing you've done something to make another person's life just that much easier.
This is the main reason why I love to entertain, both as a musician and as an actor. As a musician, you can explore every inch of human emotion via melody, harmony, and lyric. Using music, one can sympathize with what another is going through, fuel their emotions, or make one forget their worries.
The same goes with acting. I mostly did comedic work... back when I used to do that kind of thing (*sigh*).
But, I'm going off-topic and if I keep heading down that road I could be writing for a long long time.
So, yes, I love to make others happy. I live to make others happy. I worry when others say they are not well. This has become a problem for me. First of all, my parents are on an entirely different brainwave then I (as it were). This is problematic because my parents are never satisfied with my efforts to do anything. I am not exaggerating at all when I say "never" too. This could also branch off into its own topic, but I'll let that be for now. In short, though I feel it right to help them in whatever ways I can (or in whatever ways they will let me) , I get little satisfaction from doing so and whatever satisfaction I might feel is swept away by their discouraging nature.
Another problem that has presented itself (more so this year than ever) dwells in the arena of my friendships, or my deteriorating acquaintances with people I was once close with. They were the ones who I could always make laugh somehow... and could always make me laugh. When they were facing personal challenges, they would allow me into these hidden parts of their lives, put their trust in me, and allow me to comfort them. I would never wish anything ill for any of my friends. I just like to be there when they need a shoulder to cry on... as they have done for me.
As I'm quite sure I've mentioned before, I feel very much alone these days. More alone than I've ever felt before. I've grown apart from those I love and it doesn't feel good at all. But I still care, even for those I do not get along with... and this is the part where I explain why I'm so selfish this time of year:
This is the time of year I get to give gifts to people I love for no explainable reason. Sure, I give under the guise that it's a Christmas gift. Though that's not all untrue, the real reason I give gifts is to show these people that I love them. Aside from birthdays, one can't really just go up to one of their friends they don't speak to all too often and say "Here's a gift for. I just wanted to give it to you to show how much I appreciate you."... Yeah, you can't do that unless you want that person to think that you "like" like them. I spend endless hours thinking what would be thoughtful enough gifts to show how much I appreciate these people being in my life. I mean, these are people who have made me who I am and have been there for me... and allowed me to be there for them. Even if we don't talk that often... I want to show them I still care and am still there for them.
So there you have it: I'm a selfish Scrooge that selfishly gives to those he loves because making them happy makes him happy. So sue me. ;)
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you
I must admit, I do love the holiday season. There's just something about this time of year that just brings people together, whatever the excuse. Be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus or whatever people celebrate at this time of year, people are enjoying themselves and glad to see the current year coming to a close (I know I am).
But, aside from all the festivities, it's my favorite part of the year. It's my favorite time of the year because I get to unleash the selfish bastard within... and this holiday season is more important to me than any other I've experienced.
Now, it's not being selfish in the traditional sense. Not in the sense that I go and collect things and hoard it all for myself... O.K. so , maybe it is in that sense, but it's not in the way that most would think! I should probably explain myself before you get the impression that I'm a filthy Scrooge.
When I try to think of things that make me happier than making other people happy, I tend to draw a blank. There's a certain satisfaction that comes with knowing you've done something to make another person's life just that much easier.
This is the main reason why I love to entertain, both as a musician and as an actor. As a musician, you can explore every inch of human emotion via melody, harmony, and lyric. Using music, one can sympathize with what another is going through, fuel their emotions, or make one forget their worries.
The same goes with acting. I mostly did comedic work... back when I used to do that kind of thing (*sigh*
But, I'm going off-topic and if I keep heading down that road I could be writing for a long long time.
So, yes, I love to make others happy. I live to make others happy. I worry when others say they are not well. This has become a problem for me. First of all, my parents are on an entirely different brainwave then I (as it were). This is problematic because my parents are never satisfied with my efforts to do anything. I am not exaggerating at all when I say "never" too. This could also branch off into its own topic, but I'll let that be for now. In short, though I feel it right to help them in whatever ways I can (or in whatever ways they will let me) , I get little satisfaction from doing so and whatever satisfaction I might feel is swept away by their discouraging nature.
Another problem that has presented itself (more so this year than ever) dwells in the arena of my friendships, or my deteriorating acquaintances with people I was once close with. They were the ones who I could always make laugh somehow... and could always make me laugh. When they were facing personal challenges, they would allow me into these hidden parts of their lives, put their trust in me, and allow me to comfort them. I would never wish anything ill for any of my friends. I just like to be there when they need a shoulder to cry on... as they have done for me.
As I'm quite sure I've mentioned before, I feel very much alone these days. More alone than I've ever felt before. I've grown apart from those I love and it doesn't feel good at all. But I still care, even for those I do not get along with... and this is the part where I explain why I'm so selfish this time of year:
This is the time of year I get to give gifts to people I love for no explainable reason. Sure, I give under the guise that it's a Christmas gift. Though that's not all untrue, the real reason I give gifts is to show these people that I love them. Aside from birthdays, one can't really just go up to one of their friends they don't speak to all too often and say "Here's a gift for. I just wanted to give it to you to show how much I appreciate you."... Yeah, you can't do that unless you want that person to think that you "like" like them. I spend endless hours thinking what would be thoughtful enough gifts to show how much I appreciate these people being in my life. I mean, these are people who have made me who I am and have been there for me... and allowed me to be there for them. Even if we don't talk that often... I want to show them I still care and am still there for them.
So there you have it: I'm a selfish Scrooge that selfishly gives to those he loves because making them happy makes him happy. So sue me. ;)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
"Baby, It's Cold Outside"/ "Ice Queen" (medley)
"... Baby, it's bad out there.
... No cabs to be had out there."
"When she embraces, your heart turns to stone.
She comes at night when you are all alone.
And when she whispers, your blood shall run cold.
You better hide before she finds you."
It's cold as Hell today. No, I'm serious. It's really cold. I mean, I know it's not as cold as, say, up in the Arctic or on Pluto or anything. Even so, I'm not used to this weather and, by my standards, it's really bloody cold out there.
But it's snowing outside. I love the way the city looks dressed in white; the way the frozen flakes twist and tumble through the air creating a mysterious haze. I know that, underneath this vast blanket of white and behind this frigid veil, the city and all its residents remain the same. When the snow is gone, the city will still be standing and the citizens will not cease their hustling and bustling long after the holidays are over. Yes, the city is beautiful in this weather but then again, like a woman you love, it's always beautiful.
(In case you didn't notice, I love Vancouver.)
Arguably the best part about this weather though is coming in from the cold. You know, that feeling when you're utterly freezing and, all of a sudden, your body is engulfed in a pleasant inviting coziness. It's a familiar feeling and as time passes you begin to realize you still have the parts of your body you thought you lost in the frigid weather: Your nose, your ears, your fingers, your legs.
I want to come in from the cold. The haze is so thick that I can barely tell where my next step will lead me. For so long, the cold has numbed me, weakened me. Sometimes I just want to fall down, face-down into the freezing blankness, until I feel nothing at all.
I want to come in from the cold. To feel the way I used to feel. I want to experience that once-familiar feeling of warmth and liveliness that I have been too long without. I want to know that all the things I had before... I never lost even when I couldn't feel them there.
I need to come in from the cold...
... No cabs to be had out there."
"When she embraces, your heart turns to stone.
She comes at night when you are all alone.
And when she whispers, your blood shall run cold.
You better hide before she finds you."
It's cold as Hell today. No, I'm serious. It's really cold. I mean, I know it's not as cold as, say, up in the Arctic or on Pluto or anything. Even so, I'm not used to this weather and, by my standards, it's really bloody cold out there.
But it's snowing outside. I love the way the city looks dressed in white; the way the frozen flakes twist and tumble through the air creating a mysterious haze. I know that, underneath this vast blanket of white and behind this frigid veil, the city and all its residents remain the same. When the snow is gone, the city will still be standing and the citizens will not cease their hustling and bustling long after the holidays are over. Yes, the city is beautiful in this weather but then again, like a woman you love, it's always beautiful.
(In case you didn't notice, I love Vancouver.)
Arguably the best part about this weather though is coming in from the cold. You know, that feeling when you're utterly freezing and, all of a sudden, your body is engulfed in a pleasant inviting coziness. It's a familiar feeling and as time passes you begin to realize you still have the parts of your body you thought you lost in the frigid weather: Your nose, your ears, your fingers, your legs.
I want to come in from the cold. The haze is so thick that I can barely tell where my next step will lead me. For so long, the cold has numbed me, weakened me. Sometimes I just want to fall down, face-down into the freezing blankness, until I feel nothing at all.
I want to come in from the cold. To feel the way I used to feel. I want to experience that once-familiar feeling of warmth and liveliness that I have been too long without. I want to know that all the things I had before... I never lost even when I couldn't feel them there.
I need to come in from the cold...
Friday, December 12, 2008
"The Kill"
"What if I fell to the floor?
Couldn't take this anymore?
What would you do?"
After my recent admission of harboring feelings of hatred ("Numb"), I took a really good look at myself. I felt as if I was somehow tainted, like my emotions had marked me, my soul, as unclean. I was certainly aware that no human is an exception when it comes to these natural emotional reactions to external stimuli but at the moment, I just couldn't bare to think that other people could feel this way towards another human.
Hatred, if one has never experienced it, is a very dark emotion; an evil emotion. There is no perfect way to describe the feeling (as is the way with love, hate's (arguably) polar opposite); it goes far beyond feeling angry or furious, or sorrowful, or vengeful. All these feelings are not a result of hatred, but may, subjectively, be by-products of it. Even so, we very rarely truly hate another person. Instead, often what we actually feel is hatred towards their actions.
For example, a friend of mine liked a girl. This was no secret to people, especially to those within our circle of friends. Then, one of his friends made a move on his girl... with his lips. Now, when my buddy found out about this, he was torn up; intensely hurt and terribly furious. The guy who'd made his move on my friend's girl was not a bad guy though, he just made a really really really bad decision. My buddy severed his relationship with him after this turn of events. This happened around 5 years ago. Today they're on fairly good terms and my buddy won't hesitate to say a good thing about the very person he "hated" 5 years ago.
In situations such as this, one might also hate another because it is "appropriate" to do so or they feel that they should. Consider this: if you had just been cheated on and a friend went up to you and asked "How do you feel about that guy who stole your girl?", how do you think the person making said inquiry would react if you responded with "Meh... I'm mad at him but... I know he's not really a bad guy." The guy might thing you're on crack. So, as an automatic response, both to the anger and frustration we feel and to appease those we know, we "commit" ourselves to hatred towards others.
As mentioned in a previous post, "hate" is a very easy word to throw around. But I've found that often times, when we use the word we very rarely mean it. It is much easier to truly love something than it is to truly hate something. That being said, we need to be careful when saying we hate another. Every time we admit it and manifest into some sort perceivable form, be it the words we say or our actions, we get closer and closer to having our false emotions bloom into full-fledged hatred... and believe me, it's not a place anybody wants to be in.
If you think you hate someone, I urge you to take another look at your relationship with them and the events and/or actions which you believe have led you to this decision. No decent person wants to hate another; no one who feels love towards others truly wants to hate anyone. Most of all, nobody wants to hate a person they once cared for.
I end this post with this: don't forget that people can change. People can right the wrongs they've committed. If you do hate someone, don't let yourself believe you'll hate them forever... I'm certainly holding out for an outcome like this in my situation.
Couldn't take this anymore?
What would you do?"
After my recent admission of harboring feelings of hatred ("Numb"), I took a really good look at myself. I felt as if I was somehow tainted, like my emotions had marked me, my soul, as unclean. I was certainly aware that no human is an exception when it comes to these natural emotional reactions to external stimuli but at the moment, I just couldn't bare to think that other people could feel this way towards another human.
Hatred, if one has never experienced it, is a very dark emotion; an evil emotion. There is no perfect way to describe the feeling (as is the way with love, hate's (arguably) polar opposite); it goes far beyond feeling angry or furious, or sorrowful, or vengeful. All these feelings are not a result of hatred, but may, subjectively, be by-products of it. Even so, we very rarely truly hate another person. Instead, often what we actually feel is hatred towards their actions.
For example, a friend of mine liked a girl. This was no secret to people, especially to those within our circle of friends. Then, one of his friends made a move on his girl... with his lips. Now, when my buddy found out about this, he was torn up; intensely hurt and terribly furious. The guy who'd made his move on my friend's girl was not a bad guy though, he just made a really really really bad decision. My buddy severed his relationship with him after this turn of events. This happened around 5 years ago. Today they're on fairly good terms and my buddy won't hesitate to say a good thing about the very person he "hated" 5 years ago.
In situations such as this, one might also hate another because it is "appropriate" to do so or they feel that they should. Consider this: if you had just been cheated on and a friend went up to you and asked "How do you feel about that guy who stole your girl?", how do you think the person making said inquiry would react if you responded with "Meh... I'm mad at him but... I know he's not really a bad guy." The guy might thing you're on crack. So, as an automatic response, both to the anger and frustration we feel and to appease those we know, we "commit" ourselves to hatred towards others.
As mentioned in a previous post, "hate" is a very easy word to throw around. But I've found that often times, when we use the word we very rarely mean it. It is much easier to truly love something than it is to truly hate something. That being said, we need to be careful when saying we hate another. Every time we admit it and manifest into some sort perceivable form, be it the words we say or our actions, we get closer and closer to having our false emotions bloom into full-fledged hatred... and believe me, it's not a place anybody wants to be in.
If you think you hate someone, I urge you to take another look at your relationship with them and the events and/or actions which you believe have led you to this decision. No decent person wants to hate another; no one who feels love towards others truly wants to hate anyone. Most of all, nobody wants to hate a person they once cared for.
I end this post with this: don't forget that people can change. People can right the wrongs they've committed. If you do hate someone, don't let yourself believe you'll hate them forever... I'm certainly holding out for an outcome like this in my situation.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
"Numb"
"I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you"
I often write about love. I write about several aspects of it and I can write these thoughts because I've been lucky enough to experience these feelings. Yes, I suppose I might even consider myself "lucky" that my unlucky forays into romanticism have been sad because, not only have I gone through (or am going through) these tough times, but I can relate to others who are or may go through something similar and maybe relieve them if but a little bit of their burden. It's such a strong emotion, love. It reaches so deep into our being and controls us like no other emotion can.
At least, that's what I used to think.
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you"
I often write about love. I write about several aspects of it and I can write these thoughts because I've been lucky enough to experience these feelings. Yes, I suppose I might even consider myself "lucky" that my unlucky forays into romanticism have been sad because, not only have I gone through (or am going through) these tough times, but I can relate to others who are or may go through something similar and maybe relieve them if but a little bit of their burden. It's such a strong emotion, love. It reaches so deep into our being and controls us like no other emotion can.
At least, that's what I used to think.
Hate is one of those words we throw around very easily (much like "love"). "Oh, I hate broccoli!" "I hate Mondays!" "I hate wearing pants!" We even employ it when referring to other people. "I hate my boss! "I hate my teacher!" "I hate my mom for making me wear pants!" When we hear people talking like this, some say "Hate is such a strong word." I never really understood how strong of a word it could be until sometime mid-November.
I used to be one of those people who'd use "hate" as a mildly negative adjective; I never really hated what I said I hated. I might have dislike something or someone. They may have done something to cross me. I might be disappointed by certain aspects in an object or event or person. But I can't say I ever really truly hated anybody. In fact, I've made a point to keep from really hating things or others. However, I am only human, and after having my patience whitled down after so long, I've finally admitted to myself how I truly feel about a certain individual.
There are many things that can annoy us to the point that we find them bothersome. However there are a few things that will generally drive a person towards hatred. Things such as betrayal, mistrust, several forms of harm and abuse, disrespect. These are all very general but they all go hand-in-hand with each other; you can't have one without having another. Some people have more patience and understanding then others and can withstand, even ignore, this kind of behaviour. But, we all have a breaking point; No one is beyond hating a fellow human.
Unfortunately for myself, this person whom I've admitted to hating is a very important person in my life. Over the years my thoughts have sometimes hovered over the idea that I hate him, but I always passed it off as an absurd thought. There was no way I could hate him, and if I did, I'd come off as an asshole to others, even if I explained my feelings.
But, last month, I'd finally had enough! I let him have it! He'd fucked up bad! I had tried to get him to understand my situation but he couldn't comprehend the idea that he could be wrong. I found myself instinctively screaming at the top of my lungs, as if the increase in volume might penetrate his thick head. It did no good. All it did was fuel his unsubstantiated anger.
We found ourselves grappling one another and I nearly brought myself to harming him. Years and years of hatred I'd been turning inwards finally being unleashed towards its proper owner. And if I had a fraction less of the sense I have, I probably would have smashed his face! I didn't want to hurt him. Yes, I hated him, but I'm not one to harm another. I may have been furious beyond any kind of anger I've felt before, but he was just a stupid man. He didn't know what the fuck was going on no mater how much I tried to explain it to him.
I tossed him away desperate to keep myself from doing something I'd surely regret. I proceeded to take out my anger on my surroundings (my heater, my laptop, and my wall were among the more notable victims of my wrath).
Dazed and confused (or, perhaps, just plain ignorant) he left me alone, even now still wondering what it was he'd done wrong.
I later went to see him. He had wanted to say something to me as I was thrashing about earlier that night. I had had about a half an hour to cool down but I was still furious. Even so, I had enough sense to allow him to say whatever it was he'd wanted to say.
We sat at a table, neither one of us able to look at the other. "What was it you were going to say?" I asked.
He paused as if trying to remember whither he was going to say anything before or not. "I just wanted to apologize for whatever it was that made you upset."
"Upset"?! "Whatever it was"?! Could this guy be anymore clueless? I asked him what it was he was apologizing for.
He proceeded to recite the speech he's used on countless occasions to get people to forgive him. You may have heard it before from someone else. You know, that I'm-so-helpless-I'm-so-stupid-but-you're-not-perfect-either-(insert ever-expanding list of your own faults here) speech to make you feel guilty and somehow force the both of you to come to some sort of truce. I'd heard it all before; it was bullshit then and it was, more than ever, bullshit in that moment.
When he'd finally concluded farce of an "apology" he was so detached from what we were talking about in the first place that, if you'd been listening to the last three minutes of his little rant, you'd wouldn't even know what the fuck he was talking about!
I should have berated him for his little guilt-trip spiel; told him that he still didn't know what the fuck was going on. But I didn't. I just sat there wondering, after all the explaining I'd done, in calm and in furious anger, how the hell he missed the goddamn point!
It was in that moment that I knew that my feelings were not lying to me; that I indeed hated the man sitting across from me. It was such a disgusting feeling and even now, thinking about the hatred I feel, it makes me feel sick. I didn't want to hate him and, in the past, I'd turned the hatred inwards, driving me deeper and deeper into my depression. I wish things didn't have to be like this though. I really wish there was a way to keep both our moral and principal integrity intact while at the same time co-existing harmoniously. But we contrast each other far too much for that to be possible, it seems.
There was nothing left to say. What could I say? I stood up and left. That was the last time I spoke to my father.
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