"This Is Me"

"This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed be now
Gonna let the light shine on me
Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be"

Tonight I performed my first open-mic.
I'd been thinking about it for a little while now. I'd recently seen an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer in which Giles performs The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" at a coffee shop and thought I could do that. I often record songs I write and share them with a select few of my friends. I consulted these people with this idea of performing my songs for an audience and they were quite enthusiastic about it, encouraging me to do so.
I've never had stage fright before. I've had pre-show jitters a few times, but never truly nervous about going on stage. I'd known for a long time that I was a performer; that belonged on a stage. However, earlier today I was genuinely nervous.

When I began my search for friendly stages that would be open to my style of music (kinda pop-acoustic/ alternative rock-ish stuff), a sort of anxious excitement began to fill me. I'd known that a my suppression of my artistic side and my need to perform was (at least in part) due to my suffering of major depression. I began to feel as if I'd deprived myself over the last year or so (since I've been living with major depression / the epic variety show fail #&^(@#$!!! circa September 2007). It was as if I had prevented myself from seeking out venues at which I could perform; something I felt (and still feel) I had to do. I couldn't wait to finally unleash that ever-essential part of me.
I sent out a few emails here and there to places I'd searched up on the internet that said they had open mics. It didn't take me long to find one willing to let me play for them. Actually, I just received the email yesterday evening. It didn't leave me a lot of time to prepare, but who was I to complain? In any case, was to be at the restaurant at 2000 this evening.
When I woke up this morning (err... afternoon), I was still pretty excited. I spent the hour or so before I was to leave the house practicing, making sure I was frosty and ready go when I got to the restaurant. It was nearly a half hour before I'd planned to leave when a thought occurred to me: what if they don't like me?
I realized that this is a normal reaction but then considered that I am a semi-seasoned stage performer. Not only that, but I've claimed that nothing fulfills me more than performing for others. I've also been one to condone the ideal that shouldn't care too much what one does, so long as one is fulfilling their desires (and not hurting people in the process), but the truth is I wanted these people to enjoy me; enjoy what I had to offer. But I began to wonder if perhaps what I had to offer wasn't what the people who would be attendance wanted; began to wonder if maybe I wasn't really any good at all. I mean, sure, the few people I've shared my music with greatly approve, but they are my friends. It's practically their job to build me up! The public, though, is a different story: they are seldom understanding and quick to judge. Also, an important thing a person pursuing the performing arts must have(important, at least, if you plan on making it big), even more important than the talent is ones physical appearance. And let's face it: I'm not exactly the type of person the media would label a handsome devil (I don't think I'm very good looking, especially if you consider the guys the media considers "handsome" (incidentally, I think most of those guys aren't that great... then again, I'm straight so I don't know if my opinion counts). Also, I'm not evil enough (if at all) to be a devil...).

I walked into the restaurant, confidence, practically shattered, and order myself a coke and rum (I seem to favor them in the last while). Probably not the best idea since I'm running desperately low on funds (Oh yeah, still absolutely no work yet) but I didn't want to be all fidgety and the drink could work to keep my hands busy until my set. I also thought perhaps the drink might "calm my nerves"... no such luck.
The place wasn't very full, which was both good and bad: Good in that I didn't feel so pressured to perform a completely stellar show, bad in that there weren't too many people to perform for. The people who went before me were pretty good. One guy was all guitar skills and very little in the vocals and timing department, but if he got those two down-pat, he'd be pretty damn awesome. The other two were folk musicians. I quite enjoyed them (even though one guy seemed to work extra hard to make his lyrics more impenetrable than bloody Fort Knox).
I felt as if I'd been shown up by the previous musicians, but i took my place on the stage at the appropriate time. I can't remember for certain, but I'm pretty sure I was sweating bullets before I was on stage. I'm talkin' big ol' .50 cal slugs. I thought I was gonna choke like Eminem in the opening scene of "8 Mile". Instead of barfing on my sweater as he did, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was what I was supposed to do. That this is what I've waited so long for and deprived myself of for so long.
To sum it up, it actually wasn't half bad. The few people who were watching gave me positive feedback and the gal running the show (a redhead <3) said she enjoyed hearing me play after I'd finished my set and invited me to come back every Monday, something I might take her up on.
On the way out, I stopped by the bar to pay my "tab" of one drink. The barkeep told me he'd heard me and said he liked it. My reward: another coke and rum on the house.

Well, that was fun and, even though it was only a half-hour long set, I'm beat. Time for sleep.

"Nobody Knows You When You're Down And Out"

" 'Cause no, no, nobody knows you
When you're down and out.
In your pocket, not one penny,
And as for friends, you don't have any."

I'm just feeling kind of stressed out right now. I'd much rather be talking to someone... feels better that way... but I know better than to bore others with my problems, not that I even know who would let me do that. My blog will have to do.

For starters, I've recently found out I have less in my bank account than I'd previously thought. Actually A LOT less than I'd previously thought. I haven't been a lot of money recently though. In fact, I've barely spent anything in the past month. Yet, despite my penny-pinching and frugality, I have almost not money left. I was supposed to have enough money to pay my bills for this and the next month, but now I don't even have enough for this month's bills.
It should have been fine though. I was supposed to have some work lined up for me. I've enlisted with a background actors agency and I was supposed have gotten some work for something like five days straight. They said they'd call me if I was selected for the scene(s). I thought to myself this is great. This will give me a little more leeway with my finances. They never called me back about the shoot. They never called me back at all. They never call me back, period.
So, shucks! I wasn't too worried though. I mean, the important thing is that I can take care of my responsibilities, in this case, my bills. While out for a walk, I decided to stop by the bank to check out my balance and perhaps withdraw a few bucks. Checked my balance... not quite what I was expecting.
So, I'm nearly drained of my funds and the end of the month, bill-payment time, is fast approaching.

I mentioned before that my friends and I have been playing a game called Munchkin quite frequently. It's hella fun (yeah, I said "hella")! But I've begun to wonder if I'm called to spend time with my friends due to the fact that I own the damn game.
I get calls from my friends often enough, asking if they can come over and play Munchkin. I usually say yes, but I'm the kind of guy who likes quiet nights all to myself sometimes. A stark contrast to a few of my other friends who are, it seems, strictly nocturnal. Now, in the past they've called me at like 11pm asking if they can come over and play Munchkin. I declined: I was pretty tired/ feeling glum. But it all worked out though: they came by and picked up Munchkin from me and a jolly time was had by all.
I didn't hear from them for about a week.
Actually, it was me who broke the silence. A few of my other friends wanted to play it so I had to call up my pal who had my game. Once I had my game back, the calls started rolling in again.
Same scenario happened again today. Didn't feel like having people over at that very moment so instead they picked up the game. I probably won't hear from them until I get it back. We'll see.
So, maybe I'm being a bit paranoid here with this notion of being called strictly due to my ownership of Munchkin. Maybe. But that doesn't explain why I don't get called for anything else. Such as going out to eat and other bits of socializing. I haven't told anyone just how dire my financial situation is so, either they are assuming that I a) have no money and therefore b) am not interested in joining them on their spontaneous spending sprees or... well, maybe I'm not really wanted around?
It's all speculation on my part and maybe I'm not giving my friends enough credit. It's not that I think they're twats or anything like that. It's more like I don't know if I'm too far lacking in something (besides funds) to hang out with all the time. You know, that kind of guy who's okay to have around every now and then but you don't really want him around all the time? I think it might be me.

When you've got cash, you can do anything. You can buy the gas for your car. You can pay the rent on your place. You can go out and spend time with your mates. You can take your girlfriend to dinner. All this being said, I need a job.
The job hunt continues to this day. It's been nearly three months scince I've worked and I've handed out nearly 20 resumes in person and sent out countless resumes online. Got one call back, but I think I covered that interview in a previous post. Aside from that, I haven't heard back from anyone. The casting agency (for background actors no less) hasn't even called me with anything (except to tease me with that 5 day shoot).
So, I've got no job. No job equals no money. No money equals no car (seriously, if I knew I'd have the cash in a few months, I'd make my schedule my N-test right now). No car equals no girlfriend. (And no Munchkin equals no calls from friends (though my cell phone company will probably call me sometime soon).
So what if I write music and play guitar? So what if I'm an aspiring novelist? Who cares that I'm a non-caucasian, non-african dreaming to make it as an entertainer (C'mon! You know that puts me at a SEVERE disadvantage)? Lots of people write music and play guitar; it doesn't make me special at all! There are plenty of people who are trying to write novels... and many who have succeeded; wouldn't be a big deal if I did too. And I really should just ditch my hopes of becoming a successful entertainer/ performer; I can't even get a role as an extra! But, more on this at a later date...

Been spending a lot of time by myself. Some times I find myself just staring into nothing, just thinking. Trying to think of positive thoughts but whenever I try to do that, I end up thinking realistic thoughts (those are the opposite of positive thoughts, by the way). I've been here before. Maybe not this exact situation, but this frame of thought... this state of mind... it's all too familiar. I hate it!
Okay, I've gone on long enough with all the bull that's been piling up lately and if anyone's reading this you're probably hoping I go and become an hero so I'll stop for now.
I really do wish I had someone to talk to though. Then again, I have a habit of trying to hide my strife from people. Still...

But here's a touch of good news: "Futurama" is coming back for a new season! If I can pay my cable bill, I just might be able to see it!

It's been six years since "Futurama" was cancelled, but it's coming back for another round!

"Man In The Mirror"

"A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart
And a washed-out dream
They follow the pattern of the wind ya' see
'Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me"

These are tough times.
Then again, looking back into human history, when have they been truly swell? Our struggles, after all, have the ability to strengthen our character (if we allow them) and we should welcome the various challenges we're faced with on a daily basis. And for every problem we face, there is a multitude of ways to react to it. Sometimes, people react in ways the benefit them and them alone. Other times, people might react in way that benefits everyone as much as possible. There are also times when some people just want to screw over anyone and everyone.

My friends and I have been playing a new game lately. It's called Munchkin. Munchkin is a card-based game that both parodies and pays homage to traditional role-playing games like "Dungeons And Dragons" or "Vampire: The Masquerade" and other d20's (none of which I play). We've been playing this game a lot. No, seriously! We need to take longer breaks between "gaming sessions" or the game's going to get stale.
In any case, having immersed myself in RPG lore lately, I was re-introduced to the Alignment System first introduced in D&D. The Alignment System is a can be viewed as a 3x3 grid; the columns from left to right correspond to "lawful", "neutral", and "chaotic" while the rows from top to bottom represent "good", "neutral", and "evil". If you can imagine this grid, in the top-right cell would be "chaotic good" while the middle-row, first-column cell would be "lawful neutral".
The official D&D site has this to say about character alignment:

The moral axis has three positions: good, neutral and evil. Good characters generally care about the welfare of others. Neutral people generally care about their own welfare. Evil people generally seek to harm the others' welfare.The ethical axis has three positions as well: lawful, neutral, and chaotic. Lawful people generally follow the social rules as they understand them. Neutral people follow those rules find convenient or obviously necessary. And chaotic people seek to upset the social order and either institute change, or simply create anarchy.

In an RPG, the alignment of the characters created by their players determines their standing amongst his or her fellow players and is displayed within the decisions he or she makes during decisive moments as the story progresses. (click here to read more about the D&D Alignment System)

An example of an Alignment grid... using 4chan pictures.

Though the Alignment System presented by D&D can't truly cover every real person's characteristics, it does serve as a very fair, very accurate interpolation of the different kinds of people out there (though calling some people "evil" might be a bit mean). I, myself, fall under the category of "chaotic good". One of my friends accurately falls under "true neutral", another buddy is "lawful neutral", and someone else I know is appropriately categorized as "neutral evil" (there are various "personality tests" that help categorize your personal traits on the internet. This is a particularly well done alignment test as is this one).
I've always found human behavior fascinating and have always made a point of trying to understand people's perspectives and empathizing rather than judging and condemning another persons' ways. It's this attitude that made approachable when people where often dealing with rough times (but that was long ago. My honesty... honesty in general... isn't very popular these days). It was this yearning to understand others that first introduced me to the alignment grid and it's usefulness in real life.
As I said before, the 3x3 grid is only an interpolation of the various characteristics a human being can possess. However, it does help one understand themselves a bit better. And when we know ourselves, we can decide in which direction we want our lives to move in. In this case, the case of good, neutral, and "evil", one can see through their actions and decisions that they are, for example, for the most part, "neutral evil". Upon realizing what others see in them and their actions, they may choose to alter their own behavior to "better" themselves and those around them. Then again, one might find themselves happy with being "lawful neutral" and continue to act and think in the way that person does normally. In this sense, the Alignment System is a useful tool in everyday life.
It would seem that the Alignment System would be perfect if not for one thing: The ever-changing minds and hearts of people. The systems works very well in the game world. In reality however, where nothing is predetermined and everyone is fighting to be on top, we find ourselves swaying with rising tides.
The attitudes and outlooks on life of a person are directly affected by the actions of the others around them, what is absorbed from the media, and other variables in that person's environment. Even those who have consciously rooted their beliefs and ethics and principals can see their code of conduct waver in the face of an ever-changing environment. A person who always followed the law or their heart can suddenly throw their morals and principals out the window if the negative actions of others around him were to unhinge his behavior. On the other end of the spectrum, one who had lived a morally perverse life might change their ways were they to be faced by a yet-unseen kindness in another person or the solace that is sometimes found in religion.

People say that if we want to see change, we need to make the change ourselves. The world is a dog-eat-dog place and there are always going to be people who are willing to step on a few toes and stab a few backs to get ahead in life. Every day, we find it harder than the last to walk the straight and narrow. All we can do is do what we think... what we know is right, surround ourselves with people who keep us on track, and hope our positivity rubs off on others.

"Bewitched, Bothered, And Bewildered"

"I'll sing to her, bring spring to her
And long for the day when I'll cling to her"

Since my very first real-life crush, I've always been impartial to red-haired girls. A few friends know of this and some even picked up on it without me ever mentioning it. I never really knew why, but I think I may have accidentally traced it to it's roots.

Last night, I started watching "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" from the beginning (thanks to the ability to stream video online). I was reminded of a scene from the show when "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who came up on my iPod. After searching the net for a little while, I was able to find a site that has most of (if not all) "Buffy" episodes.
The show was well executed just as all critically-acclaimed shows are, and I'm pretty easily entertained so I enjoyed it immensely. However, as I grew older, I began to acknowledge "Buffy" as a TV show for "thinkers": shows that make you think or have deeper underlying themes worth discussing, making most, if not all, episodes open for dissection and discussion (in fact, a few years after the series wrapped, a book looking into the philosophical aspects and themes of the show was released). I always appreciated it for that and it was a trend that carried on in me when selecting TV shows I deemed worth following.
In any case, I sat down to watch the show, anxiously awaiting all the demon-slaying fun, teen-angst, and all that other good stuff. As the first episode progressed, I remembered what might have been my main draw toward the show back in the day: Willow Rosenberg!

Allyson Hannigan played Willow Rosenberg on BTVS

Willow was a somewhat meek and unpopular kid at school. Despite what some might deem as a poor social life, Willow was genuine and exhibited a sweet sort of modesty, a fierce loyalty towards those she loves, as well as a sharp mind and a sense of empathy. As time passed she became much more independent and became stronger both in character as well as in spirit (as well as becoming a powerful witch).
And she was quite cute.
Last night as I lay in bed, my mind began to wander in all kinds of directions (as it always does before I sleep). Now, I can't recall just how I did it, but I managed to put the pieces together and thus came to this conclusion: My affinity towards redheads comes from my ages-long crush on a fictitious television character! At long last the mystery had been solved. However, it got me thinking: what if my soft spot for red-haired girls wasn't the only thing that originated with my crush on Willow?

Things between Willow and I would never have worked out: she eventually discovered/ became a lesbian... and I'm not a girl.

I thought about other crushes I've had. Allyson Hannigan will forever be a crush of mine for having portrayed Willow on "Buffy". Amy Adams is also quite pretty (and she gets extra points for being as charming as she was in "Enchanted") and I've no doubt I'd turn into a blabbering idiot were I to meet her in person. However, these crushes are all based on superficial, physical traits; I can't really see myself happily dating either of them for their physical beauty alone (also, I don't stand a chance with them).
Then I thought about the girls I actually like(d). It's not a very long list at all, but they all seem to have fairly similar characteristics to those of Willow; traits I admire in a person and look for in a woman (or at least just happen to find).
Of course I'm not looking for someone who is the perfect personality-clone of Willow. That wouldn't be any fun. Parts of the experience of being with someone are getting to know the person even after you think you know everything about them and the unexpected ways life's experiences can and will mold us into the people of tomorrow. So, if I were to know exactly how to act around a girl or knew how she'd like to be treated or was conscious of all her talents, it really wouldn't be all that great. Even if a girl has similar traits to Willow, I would still want to get to know her and I'd want to learn more and more about her as time passes. I guess this explains both why I've been drawn to the girls I've been drawn to (like Taylor Swift).

I suppose I have Joss Whedon to thank for my specific interest in women. What it all boils down to though is that weither a girl has red hair or not doesn't really matter. What does matter to me is that she be genuine and somewhat modest, fiercely loyal towards those she loves, well as being equipped with a sharp mind and the ability to empathize to some degree; who feels and knows they have room to grow as a person and is willing let me help her to do so as much as she is willing to help me.
And I wouldn't complain if she was quite cute.

Taylor is actually the first blonde I've ever had a crush on... and she's a doozey of a crush (and totally in a league of her own)