"Against The Wind"

"The years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worried about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searching
Searching for shelter again and again"

You don't have to read every past entry in my blog for this year to know that it's been quite a turmoltuous year for me. I went and read a fair amount of the entries from this year. It was, as one person who apparently reads this dribble said, "depressing". 2008 sucked... 2008 sucked hard!

It wasn't all bad though, I have to admit. Though they were few and far between, there were a few good days here and there; a few events that truly made me glad I got up that morning. Two of these accounts are recorded in the entries "Never Surrender" and "In Your Eyes". Aside from these two accounts, I also had two very good friends of mine reconcile their differences and we can now hang out together, as we once did... well, sort of. (Another very good day was the day Metal Gear Solid 4 was released... I played for 13 hours straight that day.)

I'm trying really really hard to find things that I can really be grateful and happy about this year, but I'm having a very hard time doing so. Even the good stuff I've mentioned, more or less, ended somewhat bitterly: My friend mentioned in the entry "In your Eyes" now shuns me and does her very best to avoid any sort of contact with me; the two friends who had kissed and made up... actually kissed and made out and now I take on my ever-recurring role as third wheel (or (odd-number)-wheel); Metal Gear Solid 4 was reportedly the final installment in the video game series that revolutionized the way I view video games.

I must say, though, if I'm taking anything positive away from this year it is that I've learned to appreciate the little minute things more than ever. As sad as it might sound, I appreciate every moment someone takes to spend with me; every time a co-worker greets me in passing rather than looking at the ground to avoid talking to me; Every kind word, every smile sent my way.

A lot of shit's fallen on me this year and it doesn't look like I'll be leaving 2008 behind smelling like roses. That doesn't mean I've given up hope for 2009 being a good year (though it wouldn't be too hard to best 2008). After all, a conflict or any other kind of prolonged event is rarely ever measured accurately in increments of time. This was a bad year, yes, but just because 2008 is over doesn't mean I'm in the clear. Today, I'm fighting to keep myself alive... Tomorrow, in 2009, I'll be doing the same. Nothing changes.
Changes may... will only come in time and I hope I live to see the day when I'll be able to wake up in the morning and just live and love my life.

"Can't Smile Without You"

You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm goin' through
I just can't smile without you

I must admit, I do love the holiday season. There's just something about this time of year that just brings people together, whatever the excuse. Be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus or whatever people celebrate at this time of year, people are enjoying themselves and glad to see the current year coming to a close (I know I am).
But, aside from all the festivities, it's my favorite part of the year. It's my favorite time of the year because I get to unleash the selfish bastard within... and this holiday season is more important to me than any other I've experienced.
Now, it's not being selfish in the traditional sense. Not in the sense that I go and collect things and hoard it all for myself... O.K. so , maybe it is in that sense, but it's not in the way that most would think! I should probably explain myself before you get the impression that I'm a filthy Scrooge.

When I try to think of things that make me happier than making other people happy, I tend to draw a blank. There's a certain satisfaction that comes with knowing you've done something to make another person's life just that much easier.
This is the main reason why I love to entertain, both as a musician and as an actor. As a musician, you can explore every inch of human emotion via melody, harmony, and lyric. Using music, one can sympathize with what another is going through, fuel their emotions, or make one forget their worries.
The same goes with acting. I mostly did comedic work... back when I used to do that kind of thing (*sigh*). There's just something about making someone laugh. In that moment of comprehension in what someone says or how someone acts that triggers one to laugh... in that moment, all one's problems don't exist. In that moment, there is no doubt or reason not to believe that life is beautiful.
But, I'm going off-topic and if I keep heading down that road I could be writing for a long long time.
So, yes, I love to make others happy. I live to make others happy. I worry when others say they are not well. This has become a problem for me. First of all, my parents are on an entirely different brainwave then I (as it were). This is problematic because my parents are never satisfied with my efforts to do anything. I am not exaggerating at all when I say "never" too. This could also branch off into its own topic, but I'll let that be for now. In short, though I feel it right to help them in whatever ways I can (or in whatever ways they will let me) , I get little satisfaction from doing so and whatever satisfaction I might feel is swept away by their discouraging nature.
Another problem that has presented itself (more so this year than ever) dwells in the arena of my friendships, or my deteriorating acquaintances with people I was once close with. They were the ones who I could always make laugh somehow... and could always make me laugh. When they were facing personal challenges, they would allow me into these hidden parts of their lives, put their trust in me, and allow me to comfort them. I would never wish anything ill for any of my friends. I just like to be there when they need a shoulder to cry on... as they have done for me.

As I'm quite sure I've mentioned before, I feel very much alone these days. More alone than I've ever felt before. I've grown apart from those I love and it doesn't feel good at all. But I still care, even for those I do not get along with... and this is the part where I explain why I'm so selfish this time of year:
This is the time of year I get to give gifts to people I love for no explainable reason. Sure, I give under the guise that it's a Christmas gift. Though that's not all untrue, the real reason I give gifts is to show these people that I love them. Aside from birthdays, one can't really just go up to one of their friends they don't speak to all too often and say "Here's a gift for. I just wanted to give it to you to show how much I appreciate you."... Yeah, you can't do that unless you want that person to think that you "like" like them. I spend endless hours thinking what would be thoughtful enough gifts to show how much I appreciate these people being in my life. I mean, these are people who have made me who I am and have been there for me... and allowed me to be there for them. Even if we don't talk that often... I want to show them I still care and am still there for them.

So there you have it: I'm a selfish Scrooge that selfishly gives to those he loves because making them happy makes him happy. So sue me. ;)

"Baby, It's Cold Outside"/ "Ice Queen" (medley)

"... Baby, it's bad out there.
... No cabs to be had out there."

"When she embraces, your heart turns to stone.
She comes at night when you are all alone.
And when she whispers, your blood shall run cold.
You better hide before she finds you."

It's cold as Hell today. No, I'm serious. It's really cold. I mean, I know it's not as cold as, say, up in the Arctic or on Pluto or anything. Even so, I'm not used to this weather and, by my standards, it's really bloody cold out there.

But it's snowing outside. I love the way the city looks dressed in white; the way the frozen flakes twist and tumble through the air creating a mysterious haze. I know that, underneath this vast blanket of white and behind this frigid veil, the city and all its residents remain the same. When the snow is gone, the city will still be standing and the citizens will not cease their hustling and bustling long after the holidays are over. Yes, the city is beautiful in this weather but then again, like a woman you love, it's always beautiful.
(In case you didn't notice, I love Vancouver.)
Arguably the best part about this weather though is coming in from the cold. You know, that feeling when you're utterly freezing and, all of a sudden, your body is engulfed in a pleasant inviting coziness. It's a familiar feeling and as time passes you begin to realize you still have the parts of your body you thought you lost in the frigid weather: Your nose, your ears, your fingers, your legs.

I want to come in from the cold. The haze is so thick that I can barely tell where my next step will lead me. For so long, the cold has numbed me, weakened me. Sometimes I just want to fall down, face-down into the freezing blankness, until I feel nothing at all.
I want to come in from the cold. To feel the way I used to feel. I want to experience that once-familiar feeling of warmth and liveliness that I have been too long without. I want to know that all the things I had before... I never lost even when I couldn't feel them there.
I need to come in from the cold...

"The Kill"

"What if I fell to the floor?
Couldn't take this anymore?
What would you do?"

After my recent admission of harboring feelings of hatred ("Numb"), I took a really good look at myself. I felt as if I was somehow tainted, like my emotions had marked me, my soul, as unclean. I was certainly aware that no human is an exception when it comes to these natural emotional reactions to external stimuli but at the moment, I just couldn't bare to think that other people could feel this way towards another human.

Hatred, if one has never experienced it, is a very dark emotion; an evil emotion. There is no perfect way to describe the feeling (as is the way with love, hate's (arguably) polar opposite); it goes far beyond feeling angry or furious, or sorrowful, or vengeful. All these feelings are not a result of hatred, but may, subjectively, be by-products of it. Even so, we very rarely truly hate another person. Instead, often what we actually feel is hatred towards their actions.
For example, a friend of mine liked a girl. This was no secret to people, especially to those within our circle of friends. Then, one of his friends made a move on his girl... with his lips. Now, when my buddy found out about this, he was torn up; intensely hurt and terribly furious. The guy who'd made his move on my friend's girl was not a bad guy though, he just made a really really really bad decision. My buddy severed his relationship with him after this turn of events. This happened around 5 years ago. Today they're on fairly good terms and my buddy won't hesitate to say a good thing about the very person he "hated" 5 years ago.
In situations such as this, one might also hate another because it is "appropriate" to do so or they feel that they should. Consider this: if you had just been cheated on and a friend went up to you and asked "How do you feel about that guy who stole your girl?", how do you think the person making said inquiry would react if you responded with "Meh... I'm mad at him but... I know he's not really a bad guy." The guy might thing you're on crack. So, as an automatic response, both to the anger and frustration we feel and to appease those we know, we "commit" ourselves to hatred towards others.

As mentioned in a previous post, "hate" is a very easy word to throw around. But I've found that often times, when we use the word we very rarely mean it. It is much easier to truly love something than it is to truly hate something. That being said, we need to be careful when saying we hate another. Every time we admit it and manifest into some sort perceivable form, be it the words we say or our actions, we get closer and closer to having our false emotions bloom into full-fledged hatred... and believe me, it's not a place anybody wants to be in.
If you think you hate someone, I urge you to take another look at your relationship with them and the events and/or actions which you believe have led you to this decision. No decent person wants to hate another; no one who feels love towards others truly wants to hate anyone. Most of all, nobody wants to hate a person they once cared for.

I end this post with this: don't forget that people can change. People can right the wrongs they've committed. If you do hate someone, don't let yourself believe you'll hate them forever... I'm certainly holding out for an outcome like this in my situation.

"Numb"

"I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you"

I often write about love. I write about several aspects of it and I can write these thoughts because I've been lucky enough to experience these feelings. Yes, I suppose I might even consider myself "lucky" that my unlucky forays into romanticism have been sad because, not only have I gone through (or am going through) these tough times, but I can relate to others who are or may go through something similar and maybe relieve them if but a little bit of their burden. It's such a strong emotion, love. It reaches so deep into our being and controls us like no other emotion can.
At least, that's what I used to think.

Hate is one of those words we throw around very easily (much like "love"). "Oh, I hate broccoli!" "I hate Mondays!" "I hate wearing pants!" We even employ it when referring to other people. "I hate my boss! "I hate my teacher!" "I hate my mom for making me wear pants!" When we hear people talking like this, some say "Hate is such a strong word." I never really understood how strong of a word it could be until sometime mid-November.

I used to be one of those people who'd use "hate" as a mildly negative adjective; I never really hated what I said I hated. I might have dislike something or someone. They may have done something to cross me. I might be disappointed by certain aspects in an object or event or person. But I can't say I ever really truly hated anybody. In fact, I've made a point to keep from really hating things or others. However, I am only human, and after having my patience whitled down after so long, I've finally admitted to myself how I truly feel about a certain individual.

There are many things that can annoy us to the point that we find them bothersome. However there are a few things that will generally drive a person towards hatred. Things such as betrayal, mistrust, several forms of harm and abuse, disrespect. These are all very general but they all go hand-in-hand with each other; you can't have one without having another. Some people have more patience and understanding then others and can withstand, even ignore, this kind of behaviour. But, we all have a breaking point; No one is beyond hating a fellow human.

Unfortunately for myself, this person whom I've admitted to hating is a very important person in my life. Over the years my thoughts have sometimes hovered over the idea that I hate him, but I always passed it off as an absurd thought. There was no way I could hate him, and if I did, I'd come off as an asshole to others, even if I explained my feelings.

But, last month, I'd finally had enough! I let him have it! He'd fucked up bad! I had tried to get him to understand my situation but he couldn't comprehend the idea that he could be wrong. I found myself instinctively screaming at the top of my lungs, as if the increase in volume might penetrate his thick head. It did no good. All it did was fuel his unsubstantiated anger.

We found ourselves grappling one another and I nearly brought myself to harming him. Years and years of hatred I'd been turning inwards finally being unleashed towards its proper owner. And if I had a fraction less of the sense I have, I probably would have smashed his face! I didn't want to hurt him. Yes, I hated him, but I'm not one to harm another. I may have been furious beyond any kind of anger I've felt before, but he was just a stupid man. He didn't know what the fuck was going on no mater how much I tried to explain it to him.

I tossed him away desperate to keep myself from doing something I'd surely regret. I proceeded to take out my anger on my surroundings (my heater, my laptop, and my wall were among the more notable victims of my wrath).

Dazed and confused (or, perhaps, just plain ignorant) he left me alone, even now still wondering what it was he'd done wrong.

I later went to see him. He had wanted to say something to me as I was thrashing about earlier that night. I had had about a half an hour to cool down but I was still furious. Even so, I had enough sense to allow him to say whatever it was he'd wanted to say.

We sat at a table, neither one of us able to look at the other. "What was it you were going to say?" I asked.

He paused as if trying to remember whither he was going to say anything before or not. "I just wanted to apologize for whatever it was that made you upset."

"Upset"?! "Whatever it was"?! Could this guy be anymore clueless? I asked him what it was he was apologizing for.

He proceeded to recite the speech he's used on countless occasions to get people to forgive him. You may have heard it before from someone else. You know, that I'm-so-helpless-I'm-so-stupid-but-you're-not-perfect-either-(insert ever-expanding list of your own faults here) speech to make you feel guilty and somehow force the both of you to come to some sort of truce. I'd heard it all before; it was bullshit then and it was, more than ever, bullshit in that moment.

When he'd finally concluded farce of an "apology" he was so detached from what we were talking about in the first place that, if you'd been listening to the last three minutes of his little rant, you'd wouldn't even know what the fuck he was talking about!

I should have berated him for his little guilt-trip spiel; told him that he still didn't know what the fuck was going on. But I didn't. I just sat there wondering, after all the explaining I'd done, in calm and in furious anger, how the hell he missed the goddamn point!

It was in that moment that I knew that my feelings were not lying to me; that I indeed hated the man sitting across from me. It was such a disgusting feeling and even now, thinking about the hatred I feel, it makes me feel sick. I didn't want to hate him and, in the past, I'd turned the hatred inwards, driving me deeper and deeper into my depression. I wish things didn't have to be like this though. I really wish there was a way to keep both our moral and principal integrity intact while at the same time co-existing harmoniously. But we contrast each other far too much for that to be possible, it seems.

There was nothing left to say. What could I say? I stood up and left. That was the last time I spoke to my father.

"Stuck In The Middle With You"

"And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep the smile from my face
Losing control, yeah I'm all over the place"

More often than not, break-ups between couples are pretty rough on both parties. As anyone who's known someone who's gone through a break-up will know, those going through the break-up aren't the only ones affected by the event. Their friends and family, the ones they confide in, have to step up to the plate and be there, ears ready to listen and shoulders ready for leaning on. But what happens when the two people who have broken up are both good friends of yours? What if one of your friends involved in the break-up is smitten with your best friend? It's a difficult situation, no doubt. Well, I'll tell you how it is to be stuck in the middle... because that's what happened to me!

For the sake of ambigiuity and simplicity, my three friends shall, from now until the end of this post, be known as Duffy, Lou, and Smokey.

Their break-up occurred in early November but the seeds of this separation had long been sown. They'd hid it well; I had no idea it was coming. In the last months of their relationship, I spent a fair amount of time with Duffy and Lou. Perhaps I'd noticed that they weren't as lovey-dovey as they once were but I had no idea that their relationship teetered on the brink of dissolution.
And, apparently, Lou didn't see it coming either.
When it finally happened, he took it pretty hard. Very hard, actually. He began entertaining irrational thoughts and ideas and I did my very best to help him through this time (or at least I tried to be there as much as he would let me). Duffy, on the other hand, was quite relieved to be out of this relationship, and rightfully so. She'd shared with me (without going into too much detail) how much she'd sacrificed and how she'd felt obligated to stay with him for so long (just over two years).
I never like to see anyone hurting, especially close friends. I try to make a point of being unbiased; never taking sides and trying to help people see multiple perspectives on a situation. Sometimes it's what they want to hear, other times it isn't. I was glad that I'd conciously decided to be this way because now it was very natural and easy for me not to take sides with one friend and against the other. Still, it panged me to see that it had not worked out for these young lovers.

But no break-up story is ever truly the same and this one certainly has its own unique twist.
My best friend, Smokey, the closest thing I'll ever have to a brother, also hung out with Duffy and I frequently. We spent a lot of time together, especially in the last four months or so (leading up to early November).
Apparently, during this time, Smokey had developed something of a crush on our female friend. This was another thing I was kept in the dark about. Of course, I can understand why: Since, at the time, Duffy was still in her relationship with Lou, he didn't want anyone to think that he'd maybe want to steal her away or was having carnal thoughts of the like (though I know him too well to ever think that of him).
Shortly after the break-up, Smokey met up with Duffy and it was clear something was bothering her. Now, Smokey can sometimes be stubborn when forcing information out of people (not to be confused with convincing, mind you) and he'd managed to squeeze a rather juicy secret out of dear Duffy: She had secretly been harboring feelings towards him as of late.
This revelation was, by no means, the catalyst for Duffy and Lou's break-up but it certainly didn't help the situation Lou and I found ourselves in afterwards.

The night after they'd professed their love for each other, Duffy and Smokey met up with me to tell me (somewhat awkwardly) about what had happened. In that moment I was very happy for them. I mean, Duffy, whom I love like a little sister, and Smokey, whom I love like a twin brother, finding happiness together. It was quite grand. However, at the same time, I was fully aware of the consequences this might have concerning Lou.
They'd included in their tale that they had told him about their new-found revelations. In the weeks that followed, Lou was a wreck and I quickly felt the strain of being happy for my friends and sympathizing with my other friend. I found it hard to happy be around Duffy and Smokey because I knew that it was the cause of Lou's sadness, and I found it difficult to truly and completely feel sympathetic towards Lou because I was happy that two of my best friends were now a happy couple.

And so, here I stand in the middle of the road, and with traffic coming at me from both sides, I'm certainly feeling the strain from this situation, from always being in the middle of things, and from ALWAYS being the third wheel. But, I need to be there for my friends. My attention, discretion, loyalty, and consultation is all I have to give and, ready or not, right now is one of those times I have to step up to the plate.

"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"

"But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)"

It's been an... eventful couple of weeks since I was last here. Too much to fit properly into one entry. It hasn't been a pretty couple-of-weeks either. I have made a few attempts to actually put together and convey what has transpired in a single blog entry. The problem is the reason I document events or happenings or feelings throughout my life is because I take something from them; because I not only experience the atheistic properties of an event but seek to discover why I am so affected by it; because I absorb something from these experiences and this helps me reflect upon the changes they have brought about in me and allows me to better understand myself.

I've had a lot of time to think. Perhaps too much. Perhaps I always think too much. In any case, as much as I feel the need to write on recent events, I don't feel it is quite the time to do so. Maybe I'm waiting to heal a bit more. Maybe, I want a little more restraint before I manifest how I feel in writing. But there's an urge to write. And I will... just not now.

"Man I Used To Be"

"...I just wanna get back to me
Aww baby, hoo hoo
Back into the man I used to be"

Some time last year, I checked my inbox and there was an ad for a free trial for the online relationship site eHarmony. Several of these emails had made their way into my inbox in the past and this was no surprise to me. It was, as in emails past, an offer for a free personality test and viewing of matches in my area.
Now, I don't usually go for this kind of stuff, but I was in a bit of a lonely mood and I thought, what the hell, why not give it a shot. Besides, a co-worker whom I used to work with at a warehouse told me that's were he met his then-fiance. What could I lose?
To my surprise, the questionnaire was quite long and detailed. I figured it would be a short page asking my gender, my age, my race, my orientation. I was very wrong. I took my time, answering the questions honestly. I even went back to change some of the answers I had too briskly answered.
It took me around a half hour to fill out all the questions. The results, I found, were startlingly accurate, even to point of revealings things about me I didn't know (as in hadn't put the pieces together) or was to modest to admit.

In each category it provide a detailed explanation of how you interact with others and how people may respond to you, both positively and negatively. I found that much of what I understood about myself matched up with what my results and put it into words I'd never use if talking about myself or because I'm too modest to admit it.
Most who know me know I have pretty poor self-esteem, especially when we're dealing with the romantic realm. But, I figured, you know, I'm feeling pretty good about myself after taking this questionnaire. I answered honestly and I got honest answers back; answers I wouldn't admit to. So, I figured I'd proceed to next page: the potential "matches" page.
Here's what it said:

eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process. We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

EPIC FAIL!
The results from this questionnaire were brought to my attention recently by another email from eHarmony. When I viewed my results again, I compared myself then with myself now. Lately I've been thinking that I'm so very different from who I was not a year ago. But when comparing my past and present self, I've found I'm not as different as I thought I was. Perhaps more jaded and a lot less "energetic" and "lively" and definitely "more inhibited".
Back in 2007, I remember I was very happy with who I was, even before I took this questionnaire. I felt content with myself as opposed to much of this year in which I've often found myself lacking in everything I was. Now, I see that maybe, with the current state of affairs being what they are, maybe I'm not such a bad guy...

...and maybe there really is a match for me.

PS: NEW BOND MOVE COMING OUT NOV.14th!!! The opening scene has been leaked! Watch it here!

"I Want You To Want Me"/ "All I Have To Give" (Medley)

"I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me."

"All the money in the world,
could never add up to all the love,
I have inside... "

I was having a conversation with a friend recently (does it count if it was online?) and I jokingly mentioned how I'm saving my money to buy a girlfriend (no, I don't mean a "prostitute"!). And though I say it as a joke, it does carry an air of seriousness with it for me.

Being in a "relationship" is more than just making it out, buying things for the other, spending time with the other, or making love. Though all these things may be (and probably are) involved with being in a relationship, it's no good if there is no reciprocated love or if the amount of love reciprocated by both people is unequal. For example, a girl might like a guy because he's witty, fun to snuggle with, and gives allows her her space while the guy might like the girl because she's able and willing to pay for things when he can't and she's a good lay every now and then. Or, perhaps the guy loves the girl for her quirkiness, her cute demeanor, and her ability to wrap her head around serious issues when she needs to while the girl is in love with the things her man buys for her (until she gets tired of them) and his money (until he becomes poor).

I can't help but feel pity for those who give their love, true and justified, to another who can not love them in return or, perhaps, not in the same way. Maybe it's because I often end up playing that guy. One friend of mine once told me not too long ago, bewildered as to why I could not find a suitable special someone, "You have so much love to give but... I don't know. You never get the chance... [girls] never give you the chance." Thus, I came up with my ass-backwards solution: If I'm rich I can pay someone to love me. I mean, it wouldn't literally be "Hello, girl. I'll give you $2000 to love me for a month." No, more like I would spend so much on her and make her happy (which would make me happy) that she would tolerate me and, in return, allow me to hold her hand... maybe even in public!
Yes, it's stupid. No, It's not too far fetched. I think my theory could prove to be very successful with many females these days. But it would not certainly work with all girls... and hopefully I can find one of them that will love me back. Really, that's what I'd really like: Someone to return my love. Love, if it could even be called that, would be so hollow if I loved her so deeply and she loved me strictly for my material riches. I want her to love me because I'd treat her well and with respect; because I'd be loyal; because I'd be able to provide for her emotionally and materially; because I'd be there whenever I could be. Yeah, I'd want to spoil her (because, after all, I love her) but it certainly wouldn't be one of the most vital things our relationship would be built upon. I might be asking a lot (more than most), but I'd want her to love me for who I am.

But considering, not only my unchanging single-status, but how little interest is sent my way... Well, I suppose I better start saving up.

"Only God Knows Why"

"I've said it too many times and I still stand firm:
'You get what you put in and people get what they deserve'
Still I aint seen mine, no I aint seen mine.
I've been given but just aint been gettin'
I've been walkin that thin line."

It's a topic I've covered in blogs and conversations in the past, but I am constantly made aware of this. What am I talking about? I'm talking about karma.
For those who don't have any idea what karma is, I suppose I should enlighten you, as it will appear several times throughout this post. For those of you who think they know what karma is, I suggest you read on as well. Karma has its origins in Hinduism and Buddhism. According to their philosophies, karma is "The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny", specifically, "a person's actions affecting his or her fate in the next reincarnation." However, nowadays, karma has become among many other words in the English language that is no longer used properly. Today, karma is commonly known as the metaphysical or supernatural force that rewards or punishes you for your previous actions; if you do "good" things for your environment and people around you, things will happen in your favor whereas, if you do "bad" things, "bad things will happen to you.* Basically, if you follow the Golden Rule, you'll be rewarded with happiness of equal or greater measure and if you don't, you're screwed.

For here on out, unless otherwise stated, I will be referring to karma as the second "definition" states.

I don't believe in karma.
It may be an unpopular thought in this day and age, but I have little reason to believe in karma. At least, I have little reason to believe that karma works for me. This isn't to say, however, that I act without regard for the well-being of others or my surroundings.

Those who believe in karma believe that if they do well by others that they will prosper on multiple levels. In a world where satisfaction and happiness seem so hard to come by, it's not a bad deal: be good to people and better things will happen to you. It's quite a good sell. I mean, don't you just want to go out there and help an old lady cross the street or give me a foot massage at the thought of wonderful things happening to you?
And what about all the bad people in the world? Cheaters, killers, thieves, liars. Why, they're going to get what's coming to them, I'll tell ya what. They'll wish they'd have spent their time making the world a better place and helping others. They'll wish they didn't mess with karma. Yup, karma means justice for all.
One reason for why many people live by karma doesn't lie in the outside world, but within ourselves. Many people believe that a major key to prosperity (physically, emotionally, and sometimes spiritually) lies in karma. Their philosophy, as it were, may go something like "I want to do good things so good things can happen to me". They do well, not so much in the interest of the benefit of others, but for themselves so they might prosper from the rewards karma might heap upon them.
Of course, not everyone who believes in karma does so for such superficial reasons. One might adhere to the philosophy of karma so that one might avoid any unnecessary unpleasantness brought on by "negative" actions or ignorance towards the needs of others.
These are both fair reasons one might live their lives by this spin-off of the Ethic of Reciprocity. There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve one's chances for prosperity nor is there anything wrong with side-stepping possible unfortunate events. So, why is it that I've chosen to shun karma?

If karma is indeed a real force in our world, I must not be affected by it. The same goes for many many others in the world. So many people give of themselves for the good and well-being of others and, in the end, they've little to show for it. At the same time, some people commit crimes to various degrees and still come away from it smiling, leaving their victims to deal with the anger and sorrow brought on by such injustice.
Apart from performing and writing and doing other creative things, I feel that my life is most fulfilled when I'm helping others; serving others in whatever way I can so long as their own intentions are just (according to my own philosophies). This ranges from simple things like holding doors for people to lending an ear to one who needs to rant to being a shoulder to cry on to being a mediator in heated arguments. I try to be there for others and when my effort is acknowledge, it's kind of nice. When I see my efforts actually being useful and serving their intended purpose, it fills me with a kind of satisfaction. The same kind I get when I'm on stage or writing music. It's the kind of satisfaction you get when you know you're doing what you were meant to do and you're doing it well.
Despite this, since 2006, I've felt like I've slowly been losing so much I've considered important. I'm not saying it's been an abysmal two years; there have been many good times along the way. But the single-most significant thing that was "given" to me was taken away ("Gone Away"). The relationships with the friends whom I'd considered amongst my best now hinge on next-to-nothing and I'm often overtaken by lonliness ("Don't You Forget About Me" , "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" ). Creative projects I'd poured myself into never came to fruition ("Long Time"). I don't believe in "luck" but if I did, I would say that I have very very bad luck (actually, others will testify to that too). I feel constantly bombarded by things, big and small, that are at work to bring me down.
And I have been down.

I know that I'm not the only one being dealt a poor hand. Heck, some people have it a lot worse than I do. Some don't have the strength or the support to get through their own personal Hell and they just... give up. I nearly did myself once. Somehow I manage to keep moving when I'm knocked down. I will always get back up and I will always keep living the way I think I should: serving others whenever I'm needed and I'll do it with or without Karma in my life. I may be down, but it's not going to sway my ideals and I'll be damned (quite literally) if I'm going to throw in the towel.

"Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"

"Some things in life are bad
they can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you've chewing an life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best"

Anyone who's accidentally stumbled across this blog of mine, I'm sure, is almost certain to say "bloody hell, this guy should quit moanin' and groanin' and stop being so said and depressed!" If you happen to fall under this category, stick it up your ass and try not to enjoy it. I write how I feel and, besides, I'm not writing this garbage for anyone but myself. If you happen to come across my little corner of the Internet, spend your time reading it, then mope about wasting your time, don't blame me (see post "Pilot")! Besides, I'm not always moping and crying and sad.

Cheer up, Butters

We all get handed lemons in life... some people have to deal with more than others. In fact, when you think about it, in this world we're living in, we always have good reason to be worried or upset or angry or sorrowful. Then again, there are many reasons to celebrate, laugh, smile, and shed tears of joy.
I know that much of the posts on this site are downers, but I have much to be thankful for and a lot of reasons to smile and be happy. I'm not just talking about the cliched things people think of when told to look on the bright side, like a roof over one's head or food on the table or clothing to wear (though it is important not to take these things for granted). The truth is, those cliches aside, I could go on for hours and hours about what's wrong with in my life and all the things in the past I wish I could change and how bleak the future may be, but I could go for days on end talking about the great things in my life I'm so thankful for and reminisce about the good old days and look forward to what the future may hold.

It isn't always easy to look at the bright side of life though. Sometimes we need a little something to remind us of this and effectively divert our attention away from our sorrows. Even though the things that might be troubling us may be things we have to face and deal with in our lives (like bills, school, or work, to name a few), we shouldn't constantly be dwelling on them 24 hours a day; a nice, well-placed distraction is good from time to time. Spending time with friends or family, watching a film or a show on T.V., reading a book, playing video games, building models. All these and countless other things can help divert our attention from sad dreary thoughts towards things that may cause us to forget our troubles and enjoy life or have some personal meaning to us.
There are some "distractions", however, that would fall under that the category of "vices". These can include, but are not limited to, alcohol, drugs, and sex (these are the most common vices employed as distractions). These, though not always considered immoral, can lead to more grief and sorrow in our lives. I know you might be asking, "Who's never gotten piss-drunk, smoked just a little marijuana, or engaged in lusty, erotic, loveless sex?"(the answer: me). Many people engage in these acts but some of them commit them excessively and this can lead to damaging one's life further, giving one more things to worry about and less things to smile about.

The things that cause us worry and grief are often there to remind us of things in our lives that need to be taken care of. The things that provide us true joy and happiness in our lives are the reasons we live for. Lastly, the things that can give us superficial happiness often lead to more worry and grief when employed to the point of being excessive. I know it's hard to keep your head up when so much is weighing on your mind. I can imagine it's hard to keep from going on a binge when the urge hits you. Bottom line though: Life's a bitch, don't screw yourself over, and keep on smiling. As the wise Brendan Wong once said, "Have fun and be happy."

There ya go...

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me.

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating.
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me.
'Til then, I walk alone."

Loneliness is one of topics that people who are experiencing it have a hard time discussing. Things such as a breaking-up or the death of someone close (see previous post), though they may be painful in varying measures, seem to be easier to bring up when with others. Some might even find it easier to accept and wrap their minds around these topics as opposed to their loneliness. Perhaps it is because the pain of dissolving a beautiful relationship or losing a loved one are stimuli which result in our sadness; an external occurrence that causes us to feel down. Loneliness, however, is greatly (though not entirely) the result of "nothing". Much of it comes from our own mentality; how we think. And since much of loneliness stems from within us, maybe that is why we feel it should not be revealed to the outside world.

Humans are social creatures and, as such, yearn for contact with other humans. There are whole explanations on the scientific reasons why this is so, but the feeling of loneliness, as anyone who has ever gone through it will tell you, is much different from, say, needing others and others needing you to create a functioning society.

The personal relationships we form with others (ie: family friends), no matter how important we gauge them, "fills" a certain part of our lives; makes our lives complete. Some people whom we may know only as acquaintances may not leave any lasting impressions on our lives and we would feel no different from the day we met them if we never saw them again. Others, the people we get to know and learn to love and choose to be around, will be sorely missed if one day you were to turn around and they weren't there anymore.

The sad part is most people never really know how much they have in a good friend or close family member. When they aren't there anymore, or as much as they used to be, we finally see how much they really mean to us. Loneliness is often described as an emptiness. I'd say that's one of the best ways to describe it. Loneliness leaves our souls riddled with holes once filled by those we thought we'd always have around. Often, people will try to fill these holes with some sort of paling substitute: work, athleticism, sex, hobbies, food, drugs, and alcohol among many other things. But, try as we might to convince ourselves that our substitutes are working, the emptiness remains.

As we grow older, and as our relationships with others grow deeper, we find that we don't need a lot of people to fill the void inn our lives that loneliness may leave. As relationships develop ever deeper and are maintained with utmost care, the people whom we've developed these relationships with make up a large part of our lives and who we are. While these relationships grow, many of the ones which have not been maintained or developed decrease in necessity. This is not to say that these people will not be missed if they are gone. However, people with whom we have established a strong relationship with help us to fill that gap left by the absentee. In the end, we have a few very close friends and family members that take up the majority of our lives, sometimes so much that we actually need to make room for other friends who may play a less significant role but are nonetheless important to us.

But what if you have no one to fill these gaps? What if you've allowed your relationships with your best friends and your family to wane and you have no one else to fill the space being left by your constantly-dwindling, once-steady camaraderie.

These are questions I ask myself often.

I've accepted that my feelings of loneliness are, in part, a by-product of my depression. Of course, it's worked at odds against me to magnify the amount of grief it causes me: It seems like whenever I find myself wanting company, it's never there (and my drop in self-esteem is partially to blame for me not making the effort to call people up). Then, in more rarer instances, when I get called by friends or whom ever to a social gathering of whatever sorts, it's usually when I want to be alone. It's crazy and it's one of the things my depression has brought with it that I hate the most.
At the same time, a part of me believes that I am very much directly at fault for my current disposition. At times, I've convinced myself that many of my friends have and/ or are developing interests contrasting my own and that I would not fit well into their new lifestyle. Others are simply too busy with work or with school. Most of them have found their own clique to belong to and, perhaps, I simply am not meant to belong to one. Don't get me wrong, though. I am happy for them if they are happy with themselves and the people whom they associate themselves with on a regular basis. However, I won't lie and say I don't envy them... and by "them" I mean the people who get to spend time with "my" friends.

I regret allowing myself to stray so far from those I love, even if it was a part of how I was coping with my depression at the time. I'd like to "fix" this somehow... I know things can never be how they were, but I'd like to salvage what I can from the friendships I really cherished.I spoke to someone about this and she said I should either join a club to meet people with like interests or I can go to school where there are many people in the same age range as myself in a similar academic situation (for starters). As for the people I used to spend much of my time with, she encouraged me to do the very thing I had been contemplating: reestablish contact with old friends and make an effort to maintain the relationship(s). Well, if that's the professional opinion, I suppose I ought to give it a try.

People we are fond of stray in and out of our lives; we can't establish and maintain strong personal relationships with every person who is kind to us or shares the same interests as us. The strong relationships are like houses: founded by like-interests or situations, built from love, re-enforced by trust and loyalty, tested in the fire and flames of tribulations. We need to maintain these relationships like we'd maintain a home we'd built with our own hands. Unfortunately, it's easy to take these relationships for granted. And when that happens, when the storms rage, the shelter you once thought would always be there may not be standing where you'd built it.

"Gone Away"

"And it feels
Yeah it feels like Heaven's so far away.
And it feels
Yeah it feels like the world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away.".

If I envy anyone in this world, it would be the people who have never felt the grief of losing someone they love.
One can appreciate the sympathies of others who hear about your loss. Anyone who's lost someone they not only respected and appreciated but someone whom they deeply felt for, knows that nearly nothing else can instill the sheer emotional pain and grief only losing a loved one can. In such dark times, the support of others means more than those showing their support can ever know. But the support from family and friends is not nearly enough to raise one up from such a low.
With any kind of significant personal loss there is a time to grieve, be it the stripping of certain freedoms, or the disbanding of a close friendship, or the loss of certain material property or the death of a loved one. We all grieve in our own way and move on from it in our own time.
When death strikes close to home we cannot help but be affected by it in some way; notably, mentally and emotionally changed, for better or for worse. Who we become in the aftermath, what we take from the experience, is very much up to us.



Grieving helps us come to terms with our loss. It is a natural thing humans do. Just as it would not be viewed as courageous to not grieve, there is no cowardice in grieving. It is a complex process that greatly varies in length from person to person. However, it is generally divided into three stages: Shock or numbness, disorganization, and re-organization.


In the first stage, "shock", immediately after hearing about the loss, it seems that there is nothing left to feel; Nothing but the unreality that something so horrid could happen to someone you know.
When it happened to me, the entire world dissolved. As far as I was concerned, everything that mattered was gone. A part of me fought the terrible news, kept wanting to believe that it didn't happen. How could it have happened? She didn't deserve to die. She was planning to come up north in a year or so. All the adversity we'd faced in such a short time, it was all supposed to be for something; a happy ending. No, it couldn't be. I remember my senses failing, only being able to see through my mind's eye. Visions of her and I flashed before me. Visions of the past, all we'd shared and all would gone through; Visions of the future, a future that would never be. Even in the following weeks, I struggled to cope with the idea of never seeing her smiling face ever again.
This state of shock can last from a few hours to many months. From there, one moves from the first stage to the second: disorganization.


When we say "disorganization" in this context, it is referring to the state of our minds and how confused and irrational our thoughts may be. In this stage, our emotions and rationale can be pushed to the limits; we may begin to feel anger towards the loved one for dying; guilty for letting a loved one die/ unresolved issues; remorse for things said or done that negatively affected the deceased. Also, often enough, one may replay the events leading up to the death, thus, in a sense, reliving the experience over and over again. Most people recover, but it may take weeks, months, or, to some degree, years.

Once it'd finally settled in, the fact that she was gone and I was still here without her, the first thing I felt when my senses returned to me was anger. Anger towards myself for allowing her to get her hopes up about a possible future together; for putting her through all the trials we'd been through. I later felt guilty for feeling such blasphemous feelings about us. I blamed myself and my infamously bad luck for what had happened (going so far as to say that if it hadn't been her and me, she'd have been fine). After weeks of beating myself up, I mellowed out quite a bit. A lot actually. I would spend hours on end just sitting and thinking of her and crying and wishing I could've seen her, spoken to her one last time. It didn't last forever though...


After a while, you will go through periods where you don't dwell on what has happened and begin to carry on with your life. This is known as the "re-organization" stage. For me, I would say that it took about a month and a half to reach this stage.
When I reached this stage, I was able to smile and laugh and joke around for real rather than to hide how sad I really felt and trick others into thinking I was alright. This didn't mean I was over what had happened. I was still sad much of the time but considerably less. One way I was able to cope through this time was because of a quote I'd come across while surfing the net in the past: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." The other thing that really helped me move along was a letter she'd written before her death. She'd entrusted it to one of my best friends who'd passed it on to me the day after she'd died. She told me to keep my head up; to be strong for both myself and the friends that relied on me (at the time); to move on and live a happy life. She told me she loved me. From then on, I slowly began to rebuild myself, to reorganize my life after it had been shattered.

We are never the same after going through such a devastating turn of events. We take from it several things. Perhaps a different outlook on life (or death) or maybe the relationships between you and those who were there in your time of sorrow have strengthened. The most important thing, I believe, is you never forget your loved ones. You carry them with you wherever you go, their very essence somehow seeps into your being and it is through you that they live forever. People see them through your actions and your personality. That being said, we should do our best to honor these people with how we live, living as if they were still actually among us, never wanting to do anything that would disgrace them or hurt them or others.
September 20th, it will have been two years. Two years since she passed away. Two years since she's been living through me.

"Long Time"

"There's a long road, I've gotta stay in time with
I've got to keep on chasin' that dream, though I may never find it...
...Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' on
You'll forget about me after I've been gone"

For a while now, I've been trying to get quite a few personal projects off the ground. I suppose it's no surprise I haven't been able to complete them; they are fairly ambitious endeavors: I've written the scripts for two film projects (one a full-length feature, the other a "dramedy"*) and I've written a number of skits for a variety show (I would also serve as producer, director, actor, P.R... A whole slew of things) among a few other things.
I've come extremely close to bringing these ideas to life. So why haven't I been able to do so?
Projects such as these aren't like painting or writing a novel or building a model or puzzle. These ideas require a precious commodity that is extremely hard to come by when you don't have a lot of cash to throw around: people and their time.

In terms of the films, my friend and partner-in-film and I found it quite easy to pitch them to people who I thought would be interested in helping. Most people gladly offered to help whenever we needed it. So, we took their word for it. However, when it came to actually getting the various tasks done (ie: cast read-throughs) we could never do it because many people"forgot they had work" or "said they would hang out with someone else that day" or "didn't feel like it" (among other varied reasons).
I was particularly saddened by the sitcom becoming another citizen of Development Hell. It was a much more personal project and contained some of what I consider to be my best ideas, certainly in terms of drama. It fell in the same way the movie had; people just weren't committed.

The variety show was a bit of a different story and it's one that I hate to tell because it depresses my so much, yet it's always on my mind because it was quite important to me. During the last year of high-school I had previously produced a show of the same nature with the help of a number of friends of mine. We were at the top of our comedic form and, after graduation, we always kind of threw the idea around of doing it again, one way or another. Fueled by their enthusiasm, I set to work writing and preparing for, what I was sure to be our greatest show yet.
The scripts I wrote were more or less warmly received and over the next few months they evolved into really great comedic skits. Over that time we would schedule rehearsals and nearly everyone would turn out (or at least they would make an effort). When we weren't rehearsing, I was working to secure the venue we would be performing in or getting approval from sponsors for the show (my friend got us sort of sponsored by Denny's)or contacting a musical act to play a short set or working out the details of how we could donate the money we made and support we'd receive from them (We were eventually recognized and supported by the B.C. Cancer Foundation).
As Spring turned to Summer and as the production moved steadily along, a hype began to build. People were actually waiting for and anticipating the show, which by then had been scheduled for mid-September. It was all coming together so well. I had no doubts that we would be able to pull this off.
However, as September loomed just around the corner, the enthusiasm of several members of the cast began to wane. The show began to lose prominence replaced by the worries and fatigue brought on by school. Rehearsal would be re-scheduled for a later date which would later be re-scheduled for another date which would just get canceled. This continued into September with a few half-hearted (and poorly attended) rehearsals in between. I knew we really needed to rehearse, especially with it being so close to the time we were supposed to perform, but I couldn't bring myself to force and drag people to these rehearsals (I should add, though, that I didn't have a set date for the performance just yet). I mean, who am I to tell people that they must come and put this show on? It's not as if I was paying them. It's not as if they'd signed a contract stating that they were obligated to prioritize the show before school, which is very important. I was supposed to get the actual date of the performance at the beginning of September. However, the disappointment and discouragement of how poorly the rehearsals were consistently becoming, and from the ever-growing lack of enthusiasm from the others, I started to have doubts if the show would even happen.
Eventually, save for a one or two people, the cast stopped talking about. People stoked to see the performance kept asking us when it was going to happen and I had to tell them, lie to them, and tell them that we'd pushed the date back to make it perfect. In time people lost their faith and never mentioned it, except for under their breaths. We came so close and we tripped at the finish line and, against my better judgment and rationale, I blame myself entirely. Not the circumstances of others having school, or the lack of finances to purchase/ rent appropriate costumes/ set pieces, and certainly not the other people I worked so closely on this endeavor with. Me! I blame me!

The failure of these projects I've poured so much of myself into, weighs heavy on me every day. It's as if I haven't received the proper closure I need to distance myself from them. Deep down, though, I don't want closure; I want to finish what I've started.
A part of the reason why I wished to fulfill such ambitious ideas is because I was doing them with my friends; people I cared about. And when it was all said and done, we could look back at them and say "I can't believe we did that". I wanted these projects to be things that they could reflect upon and be proud of but, honestly, I don't ever see that happening.
The way I see it, I have two choices: I can give up entirely and never speak of this stuff again, or I can do it with other people. Maybe I could find people who are willing to volunteer their time and work with me. Perhaps, somewhere in the future, I'll be rich enough to pay people to work for me. Either way, it's a rather bitter end but these projects, trapped in a sort of purgatory, must be put to rest.

So much of myself has gone into these works of mine; they hold a part of me. That being said, if Somehow these works see the light of day the way they were meant to be, that part of me will live forever in the memory of those who witness them. If I abandon all hope, that part of me will die with these ambitions. I've been living with this weight for a long time now... I need to decide if I should keep pursuing my dream or if I should be moving on.

* Although I used it, I do NOT enforce the use of the word "DRAMEDY".

"Satisfaction"

"When I'm drivin' in my car, and the man come on the radio
He's tellin me more and more about some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination."


This is a follow-up to my previous post (See "Orange Crush").


It's so easy to get caught up in the material things, isn't it? There's always something we've got to have; Always some updated version of something we currently own; "a new version of the old scene". Be they toys and trinkets, software or hardware, cars, tools, houses, jobs, friends, or lovers, we always want what's new and what's fresh.
But do we really need these things? I think not. In fact I am thoroughly convinced that if, on this very day, production of all marketable material non-essentials ceased forevermore, we would be able to survive just fine. But do I want to live in that kind of world? Not on your life!
C'mon! I'm sure that you feel the same way! Deep down, you know that you can live without the next season fashion line-up, or Playstation 4, or some new rims for your car (err... ride), or the seventh season of "24" (well, YOU might be able to). But do you want to? If tomorrow they announced that there was no longer going to be new stuff ever for everything, would everyone just shrug it off and carry on with daily life. Probably not (and if you can "then, mister, you're a better man than I")
So, I've established that we are an insatiable, materialistic, impatient race. What am I getting at here?

We, as a society, will never be able to completely rid ourselves of this hunger for more bigger and better things. It is in our nature so why should we fight it? That being said, I am not encouraging you to continue to "walk this way". What we can do is decide which things are truly important to us and deserve our attention most. This includes things we don't want or don't want to do (ie: pay bills, go to work, buying a new fridge to replace your broken one, chores, etc...).
People, especially youth, spend so much money and time on things they don't really want or shouldn't really matter. We spend on a whim and, before we know it, a month has gone by and we're nearly broke with a pile of stuff that we'll never touch again. Sure, there are a lot of spoiled youths out there who waste their time and money when they could be putting at least a little of it away for a rainy day. But how many adults do you know act the same way?
As we grow older, we are supposed to grow wiser; appreciate the finer things in life. However, in this sense, the change is rather static. Instead of learning how to control themselves, adults find that, since many of them are making far more money than what they were making in their earlier years, they have more money to spend on useless stuff. What they may not realize is that, adulthood, with all the extra responsibilities that adolecencse lacks, gives us far less time to ourselves and our leisurely activities. Yet, if we take a few steps back and look at our lives, we find that we manage to spend an unreal amount of time devoted to ourselves and the spoils we've acquired. It seems that rather than age and experience teaching us that we need to moderate how we spend our time and money, we remain just as reckless, if not more so, as we were in the days of our youth.

So far, we've covered the material things; things you can buy and own. But, what about the things that can't be bought? The things of much higher value such as trust between family and friends or requited love?
Trust is one of the most difficult things to acquire from another person. It may perhaps be harder to acquire than whatever treasures you may consider valuable (material things). Yet, once we've gained the trust of someone, even if that someone is an important person in our life, we are so quick to cast it aside to satisfy our personal "needs" ranging from advancement in the workplace to relieving one's self of guilt to acquiring material things to satisfying one's sexual urges; the list is endless. In many cases, after the trust has been betrayed, one often feels remorse and longs to gain that trust back. In other cases, sadly enough, people don't realize the true value of what they've lost. They believe that the satisfaction of ones personal wants outweighs the value of another's trust.

Yes, we are truly an unsatiable people, doing anything and giving everything to get what we want and not necessarily what we need. Be it to further our status, to keep our lives different and fresh, or just because it makes us "happy" for a short while, we will always persue the things we want. The elusive part of this is learning to put others before ourselves, deciding between what we need and what we want, and the moderation in the spending of our money and of our time. Much easier said than done, but it is an endeavor worth undertaking, however you feel would be the right way of doing it. I believe if we all adjusted our lives just a little we could that much more happy and satisfied and, really, isn't that what we've been after all this time?

"Orange Crush"

"I've got my spine. I've got my orange crush."

I've been craving Orange Crush. So, I bought some and it made me feel happy and then there was no more and now I am sad, though I no longer crave Orange Crush. The End.

"Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore"

"I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear.
Cause I feel so secure when we're together.
You give my life direction.
You make everything so clear."

Recently, I was having a very casual discussion with a friend of mine. We were talking about no topic in particular. You know, just segueing from topic to topic. I noticed she'd been dancing around the topic of relationships so I called her on it. He began telling me about this guy she'd had a crush on for a while and I happily listened. Then she mentioned that they'd been good friends for a long time.
"OBJECTION!!!"
When it comes to courting, I usually tell people to go for it (at their own discretion, of course). Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Well, that rule applies in all scenarios EXCEPT this one: Admitting to a close friend you're crushing on them. NEVER EVER EVER EVER do that!!!
Okay, honestly, I don't really mean that. As with everything, it's circumstantial and you should take the leap of faith at your discretion. I just have bad experiences in that certain field.

I've mentioned in the past how dear and valuable I consider friendship and, as I feel my close ties becoming more and more undone, I strongly urge others to strengthen and cherish the friendships they have now(but more on that some other time). So, don't get me wrong, the purpose of this piece is not necessarily to discourage dating someone with whom you have a friendly relationship, but to lay out, in a very generalized way, the possible outcomes that may develop:

On the one hand, things can go very very wrong. Imagine, if you will, a friend of the gender you're attracted to. In fact, pick the one you enjoy the most or spend the most time with. Think about all the good times you two share. All the laughs; tears; strange and awkward experiences; silent moments, satisfied with the good company you're keeping. Now imagine if that all went away. Imagine if you couldn't bring yourself to see your friend anymore. Perhaps, you may not be on speaking terms. What if you both hung out in a certain group and now, because you two won't come within a hundred yards of each other, you can't have those big group get-togethers? Even worse, what if your group's now been divided due to your falling out? See? It's friendship-suicide!... Potentially.
See what I mean? Pretty bleak, huh? I've both experienced it and seen it happen to others. It's not pretty to watch and certainly not pleasant to experience (heartbreak hurts. losing friends hurts. put 'em together and you've got twice the pain).

Now, on the other hand, let's say you've got a really good friend of the gender you're attracted to. For the sake of simplicity, let's imagine the one from the previous scenario. You two have a good time. A great time, actually. Not only that, but when the going gets rough, you both don't have to look very far for some good sense or a shoulder to cry on. If people didn't know any better, they'd say you were going out. In fact, lately you've been considering just that: what if you and your other half actually came together? Finally, one of you steps up and asks the other to take the friendship to another level and the other accepts. As a result, the relationship blossoms and even though you have a few rough patches here and there, it's a good thing you two have got going. Who knows where it'll go from there, but if you keep at it, if you keep this special person close to you and treat them well, only good can come of it.
I've known a few cases in which this scenario has been made reality. I don't have any personal experience worth mentioning here so don't take my word for it. However, there are a whole slew of people who will tell you that it was the most rewarding risk they ever took in their lives.

If you're not a big fan of pain, I suggest you keep things friendly between your friends. Just know, however, that suffering you may go through, should the relationship go south (or, in fact, any kind of emotional hurt), can be overcome with time and the right mode of thinking (I can say that from experience). Then again, you could be pleasantly surprised at what may come to pass. After all... nothing ventured, nothing gained.

"Mr. Sandman"/"Dreamer" (medley)

"Bring me a dream;
Make her complexion like peaches and cream.
Giver her two lips like roses in clover,
then tell me that my lonesome nights are over."

"Dreamer, you know you are a dreamer
Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no!"


We all fantasize about our futures: our future house; job; car(s); possessions. Even before we understand what real life really is (which is probably about the age of 25 these days), we know what we want... and this includes who we share our bed with. As time goes by, and as we grow older and wiser (well, some of us), we realize that maybe we don't want to pay the property tax to live in a big ol' mansion. Perhaps secret agents and runway models aren't the best career choices. It may be too pricey to own a garage full of Aston Martins. But unfortunately many people refuse to discard their desire to call a certain someone (that they have imagined, no less) their own and take it very seriously.
In our day and age, we are offered a smorgasbord of romantic fantasies that we can "apply" to our own lives. From what we are shown on the television and in movies, from what we read in novels and magazines, we can create the perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with (or perhaps just the night). At the same time, we have no choice but to select from these fantasies. The media, after all, dictates what is cool and... well, nobody wants to be a square, right?
And so, many young girls sit daydreaming about either a "strong silent type" or perhaps a "pimp" or "gangsta'". Some may even be thinking about a "real gentleman" but none of these personality traits matter unless they have some sort of accent and/or are a specific race. The boys (who think themselves men) are on the prowl for some "tight pussy, big booty, nice tits" and someone who's gonna give it up real easy. I believe the technical term is "Slut". You can narrow down your preference even more by making them part of a niche (ie: punk, goth, geek, tomboy/ metro-sexual, etc...) Yes, the choices are truly endless. Aren't we lucky that we can create our very own make-believe lover?*
I think not.

With this premise introduced, we can now explore the problems it presents: firstly, it places limits on who a person can and can't engage in a romantic relationship with. Secondly, it ruins the chances of a potential well-matched suitor or beau from successfully courting the other. Thirdly, it can lead to disappointment in life and regret.
Creating and believing in these fantasies severely limits the different people that could be a good match. For example, let's say a girl longs for a gangster guy who wears those fleece jackets in the summer (ya goof!), drives a sweet ride, and getz all crunk up in da club. Now, let's say she meets this guy walking down the street (the only reason she notices him is because I draw attention in his direction by laughing at him as he passes by in his bomber jacket... in 110 degree weather). He's says " 'Sup, bitch. Why don't we go back to my crib and get our freak on?" Now, a line like that should make her knees weak but instead she says "Heeeeeeeeell, no!" and keeps walking. This guy is everything she's imagined but she turns him down. Why? Because he's not the "right" race. This guy could've been everything she's dreamed of, but she let him go because he was born the "wrong" color. You might think to yourself, "That's retarded"... but it happens.
Now, let's say a guy has his "heart" set on a hot goth girl who also offers exceptionally stimulating conversation. He has no luck but he's got a good friend. She's kind of a bookworm and a little bit of a klutz. Not quite what the guy is looking for but he finds her sweet and her quirks endearing and best of all he could talk to her all day. However, despite all that, when she professes her love to her friend, he has to turn her down. So what if they'd have ended up a perfect couple. So what if they completed each other. She wasn't the girl he dreams of having so it could never work out.
This matter of limiting our lives to our fictitious future beaus, more often than not, ends up hurting both the wooers (those who are cast aside because they do not fit the bill) and the wooed (those whose imaginations are running their love lives). We've already explored how the potential matches are rejected, but in the end, perhaps the people most hurt are those who have brought it upon themselves. When we grow up, when we mature to the point where we don't give a damn about our old fantasies and just want someone to love and to love us back, what regrets are we left with? How many potential matches were you willing to let walk out of your life? How many real hearts had to be broken for the sake of one of uncertain existence? These are things people who take it too far are going to have to live with (But, if all that's cool with you, just disregard this whole paragraph).
Another damaging affect of holding onto such dreams may come after you may have seemingly discarded it. If one who never real gave up on their "dream lover" got happily married to a wonderful person who completed them well enough one day found that "dream lover" what would happen? Nothing good, I assure you.

This is not to say fantasizing is entirely a bad thing. It's all good and fun to imagine who your going to end up with (be it the for rest of your life or a tumble in sheets), but we need to be aware of how far we take it. In the game of love, we play with some of the most precious and fragile things we have: Trust, time, minds, hearts. Don't miss your chance at love... and don't deny the chance to others.

PS: On that last note, I understand that you can't force yourself to love someone and you shouldn't feel bad or guilty if you have to turn someone down. If it's not there, it's not there, right?

*This is obviously only a small segment of a much larger list of both physical and personality traits. Also, not included is social status, which can play as much of a role as the previously mentioned.

"High Hopes"

"So any time your gettin' low,
'stead of lettin' go,
Just remember that ant.
Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant."

Why does it seem that no matter how much we plan or how favorable the future may appear, a wrench always seems to find it's way into the works? Sometimes it's merely a stumbling block. Other times, it's a hurdle. Maybe a mountain or two thrown in there. However, though it may seem that the chips are stacked against you, it's very rare that this snag in your plan, no matter what scale it may be, makes success impossible. I believe that is up to you.
This subject perhaps, for anyone in university reading this, may be coming along a tad late, as most students are wrapping up their final exams as we speak. I've had the chance to speak to a number of them on how they are doing with their studies. More often than not, they express the sheer weight and pressure they feel from these tests and for good reason too. Many of these students are dead set on succeeding in their chosen field and in order to do so, stellar grades are necessary. Of these students I spoke to, an unsettling percentage of them find themselves questioning if they should continue these studies or not. They do understand that should they do well, they have a good chance at a successful career in their chosen occupation. However, getting from here to there is a long road laden with pratfalls and hurdles and some students aren't sure if it's really worth it.
Students aren't the only people facing seemingly daunting odds. Recently I helped prepare someone for an audition for a local talent show. She sings fairly well and I believe she would get positive reviews from her peers if she were to perform. Her main problem, however, lies in her nervousness. During her audition she was shaking like a leaf in an autumn breeze. Of course, this affected her performance. The conditions of the audition had nothing to do with her performance, but her lack of confidence did; that's what was "stopping" her from performing at her best.

I have my own molehills to deal with... Who am I kidding?! Their bloody mountains in my eyes. Aside from my romantic misfortunes and my battle with mood disorders (which I speak far too much of), I've found myself involved in a number of projects.
I am a writer and an actor and I have written both a movie and a pilot episode which are both being produced and directed (among a slew of other things) by myself and a chum of mine. Although we know this is entirely possible, we're both aware of the little things that can (and probably will) go wrong. And there is a frighteningly long list of things that can muck things up for us.
To be quite frank, however, the reason for my doubt in these projects, projects I carry major responsibilities in, is because of a past project. Nearly a year ago, I was in charge of producing a variety show of sorts to raise funds for the British Columbia Cancer Foundation (We didn't care about making money from the show so we thought we may as well give to a good cause). Think of it as "Saturday Night Live" on stage and for a good cause. I'd written the skits and had much of the behind-the-scenes work all mapped out. Of course, I wasn't alone: a handful of good friends of mine were rallying together to shape this radical idea into a very possible, very awesome show. It may have even gone on as scheduled if certain things hadn't happened: people started going to school (and who am I to tell my friends, or anyone for that matter, that our show was more important), I slipped into an ever growing state of depression (due to things unrelated to the show), and, as a result of both of those things, I was unable to secure our venue in time.
Needless to say, we'd lost momentum afterwards. The hype we'd built over that summer quickly dwindled as the date of our performance passed by. I continued to tell people that we were just pushing the date back to iron out the wrinkles. But that "date" got pushed further and further back and our once loyal fanbase gradually lost faith in us. I still tell people even now that the show is "on hiatus", but who am I kidding? It's dead as far as everyone is concerned... I may as well quit fooling myself. I don't have a lot of regrets, but letting this thing go certainly lingers at the top of that short list.

Anyone looking to accomplish anything in life is going to have to make some tough decisions and make some sacrifices. Sometimes, we can see the goal somewhere in the future but circumstances that come with reaching that goal, the circumstances we must deal with in the present, are daunting. Other times, it's not the outward circumstances that plague our path but the demons that we must fight within ourselves that dare us to move forward. These things do not make an achievement impossible. Difficult? Yes. Improbable? Maybe. Trying? Certainly. But impossible? Nearly never. Many times it boils down to us; we decide if a task is possible or impossible because of the parameters we've set our lives to. It's up to us and weither we're willing to breach those parameters that decides if we are victorious or not.
Dr. Suess wrote: "And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)" I believe that is true of everyone. And as cheesy as it sounds, if you persevere, and believe in yourself, with a little bit of luck, impossible is nothing. But just be aware of that margin of failure... that 1 and 1/4 percent... because sometimes things just happen.

But don't take my word for it. Check out some expert advice on never giving up.