"Faded"/ "Just So You Know"

"I'm kinda faded but I feel alright.
Thinkin' 'bout making my move tonight.
I can't pretend that you're only my friend when you're holding my body tight."

"This emptiness is killing me and I'm wondering why I waited so long.
Looking back I realized, It was always there, Just never spoken.
And I'm waiting here.
Been waiting here."

Maybe it's because Valentine's Day is right around the corner, but it seems I'm not the only person I know going through the aches of loneliness. Apparently, I have a couple of friends who are feeling the longing of the embrace of a significant other. However, it isn't as "simple" as that (as if love is ever so simple). It isn't a mere Y1-loves-X1-and-Y2-loves-X2 scenario (nobody loves "X3" because that movie sucked). It's more like a Y1-loves-X1-and-Y2-loves-X1 kinda thing.
I'm pretty sure I've stated before how much I do not condone friend-friend relationships. I know I've explained this to at least a handful of friends of mine (usually when they say their crushing on one their friends). However, this most recent case of friend-zone crushing had me biting my tongue. I'm not really sure why... but maybe as I keep writing, it'll get clearer.

In any case, one of my friends is crushing on a friend of his. The second he mentioned this I should have objected but I didn't. Instead... I think I encouraged him to make a move if he thought it right to do so.
Maybe, it's because he's a guy; more often than not, girls are the ones who tell me that they like a guy-friend. Maybe, it's because I know both the people involved; sometimes, I only know the person doing the crushing. Maybe, though I do not encourage it, I hypocritically, on the odd occasion, have mushy feelings towards a gal pal.
Then again... then again maybe it was because of the way I'd seen them together. It's one of those things that's hard to describe, but, in short, I could see them as a couple. He's a good guy and she's a sweet, charming, smart, funny, cute, endearing, awesome girl. They both deserve a really good match and they're both great. All that's left is for one of them to make a move.

Well, I've covered two factors in my three-factor equation: Y1 and X1. But what of the third factor, Y2? He's a good guy too. He deserves love as much as any of the other people I call my friends. Yet, here he is on the sidelines, watching as our mutual friend makes his move on the girl he once felt strongly for. Then again, I don't know if that is quite the case. What if, instead of getting over her, he allowed his feelings to lay dormant within him and, with this recent turn of events, finds these feelings resurfacing. Or perhaps they haven't been dormant at all, and every now and then he's thought of her, how special and great she is, and felt the ache of not having her near and the current state of affairs is salt on an open wound he can't bring himself to heal.
In any case, I'm no mind-reader. I'm no authority on how he is feeling. Only he knows exactly what it's like to be exactly in his shoes.

If I'm feeling anything, being something of a third-party in this situation, I'm feeling a little worried. Firstly, because I'm happiest when my friends are happy and, if all goes well for Y1 and X1 then they'll be happy and I'll be happy for them, but I'll feel bad for Y2 mainly because I've been in a similar situation before and I know how much it bites. Secondly, if it doesn't work out for Y1 and X1, if one does not reciprocate the feelings of the other, there is a good chance that at least one of them will be down-hearted afterwards. Also, this won't improve Y2's situation at all.
The third reason I'm a bit worried: as an alternative or add-on to the previously stated scenario or should there be something of a falling out between Y1 and X2 should a relationship develop, there may be an awkwardness or even a bitterness between these two. Now, we're all a part of a group of friends and I'm worried that this may cause a rift in our group. The last thing we need... the last thing I need is division in our midst, especially after all we've been through.
I care deeply for all the people involved and I only wish them the best. Best case scenario: Y1 and X1 enter into a relationship that lasts until the end of time, at the same time Y2 finds a worthy X2 and they fall for each other and make sweet love to each other all day and night, Frank Sinatra rises from his grave to belt out a few songs, marshmallow strawberries and sunshine petals begin raining down from the sky and all is good with the world.

I guess what I'm hoping for most (since I can't really expect that perfect outcome) is that, in the long-run, everything turns out well; everyone gets what they want; everyone gets what they deserve. Maybe that's asking for a lot... but one can hope (This is the part where I knock on a plank of wood, pick up a heads-up penny from the floor, eat a salad made of four-leaf clovers, and ram a rabbit's foot up my ass).

"Teardrops On My Guitar" (Duet)

"So, I drive home alone.
As I turn out the light...
...you'll put his picture down
and maybe think of me tonight?"

I pride myself as being one who is able to listen to and enjoy any genre of music. You name it, I listen to it. I do have my preferences and constantly pass in and out of phases of music that pique my interest, but there is no genre of music I don't like.

Well... except country music, that is.*

Among my CD collection I have two albums that classify as country and both of them are by Johnny Cash (well, one of them is a compilation, so I don't know if that one counts). Outside of Johnny Cash's music, there are no other country artists I particularly like and the country songs that catch my attention are very few and far between. However, I might have found a place for country in my heart.

This is my wife, Taylor Swift.

I'd heard a single of hers a while back. I'll admit right now, I didn't think it was that bad when I heard it. In fact, if it wasn't being played on a country radio station I would've sworn it was a pop song... except more honest, down-to-earth, and respectable than the majority of modern pop songs being released today. However, if anyone had asked me what I thought of it, I would've shunned it. It was, afterall, country music and it is a well-known fact amongst those who know me that I do not favor country music.

Not long afterwards, I happened to be watching MuchMusic and there was this stunning young woman being interviewed. I think the thing that really caught my attention was that she was dressed mature and like a lady; not dressed like a guy or sexually ambiguous or like a slut. They cut to a video of that song I'd heard on that dreadful country radio station and I was all, like, "Wow, she is really pretty!"

Through the interview segments that followed and further reading after the program had ended, I was truly impressed and intruiged by this girl they called Taylor Swift. She exhibited a maturity with a blend of fun, artistic talent, and a strong sense of self... things that made her insanely attractive to me (good-looks aside). It took a little convincing of myself, but I believe I was actually crushing on a celebrity.

Now, I haven't had a real crush on a celebrity in a very long time. Longer than I can remember. In fact, I thought I was beyond the mind-set of celebrity crushes. But there I was swooning over A) a celebrity and B) a country star. What had I become?!

I wasn't so worried about crushing on a celebrity than I was about being a fan of country music. I've always been able to tolerate it but, I never imagined in a million years that I'd become a country fan! So, I had to test myself. I sat in my room and listened to country radio all day. By the end of a few hours I was ready to cry, it was so painful. It was such a relief to know I hadn't been converted to country-ism... I was just a Taylor Swift fan.

I set this fact in stone the other day: I went out and bought her second album (which, I have to admit is not too bad at all). I now own a country album. Damn, it stil feels weird to say that. So, rather than say "I own a country album", I like to say "I have a Taylor Swift album". That's something I can say with pride.

I'm still the same old me, except with a Taylor Swift album. I was worried that I was letting go of myself a bit too much... allowing myself to change too much. It's normal to feel worried when going through changes but changes can be good. That being said, we need to constantly be aware of what we're changing into. We need to take charge of our changes when we can to keep from becoming people we don't want to be, be they small changes (like developing a fondness for country music) or big changes (like hating people you once loved or developing an ignorance towards things important in your life).

It wasn't long until Taylor heard of my devotion as a fan, and was intruiged. She flew to my city to meet me, where we had a nice dinner. I don't know what she saw in me but she feel head-over-heels in love with me. We were married shortly after and we lived happily ever after.

Just so you know, that last part isn't true...

(* I should point out that I do quite enjoy southern rock, which is moreso a sub-genre of rock than country)

"What's My Age Again?"

"No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years ahead to fall in line
Why would you wish that on me?
I never want to act my age
What's my age again?"

My birthday is fast approaching and for the past two years I've had mixed feelings about ageing at around this time. Sometimes, I find myself wondering where the time has gone, baffled at the idea that I'm already as old as I am. Other times, I feel the weathering and erosion that the years and my experiences have brought with them and I feel far older than I am in reality.

When I think about how fast time has flown by, I am amazed that I have already survived (nearly) 21 years. (To use a worn-out cliche) It feels like yesterday, I was singing "Baby Beluga" or playing four-square during lunch. I remember how wondrous and pure, and untainted I saw the world in my youth; the world, my world, consisted of school, friends, family, and various cartoons and video games. But as time went by and I grew older and older, various things were added to this meager list: Responsibilities like chores, jobs, younger siblings, and increasing amounts of homework; other interests such as guitar, acting, and writing; things that needed paying for (ie: bills, bills, taxes, and bills); miscellaneous things like girls, drama between friends, social status.
Sometimes, now that I see just how much an adult has to juggle to get by in life, I'm amazed at how fun and fancy-free I was... we were as children and later young adults. I can hardly believe that time has flown by as fast as it has. It's times like these, when my mind is on this train of thought, that I really don't feel that I've lived for two decades-and-a-little-bit-more but for maybe 15, 16 years tops.
Sometimes, I don't even consider myself an adult. I mean, I have the good sense to know that I have, indeed, come of age. However, there are times when a part of my mind seems to want to remain and dwell upon my years gone by. I find myself wishing I could go back and relive those "good ol' days" when life was so much simpler.

Then there are days when I look in the mirror before work and, as I straighten my tie, think to myself, "buddy, you're getting old". Most others don't work to dispel this idea either: My friends often tell me how "mature" I am. But is it really maturity? I mean, I have acknowledged (after some convincing from friends and miscellaneous others) that I am, at least, a little bit "too mature for [my] age" going so far as to say they can see me dating someone 5-10 years my senior (which I totally would not mind at all). One of my friends just gives it to me straight up (and I don't mind): "Dude! You're an old man!"
Now, I know that maturity and understanding do not equal age. Maturity and understanding equal... well... maturity and understanding. However, these things, along with other experiences, often come together and cause me to feel a weight that seems to surpass my timeline thus far. I sometimes feel that I've managed to cram 45 years-worth of experiences, thoughts, questions and answers into 21 years. This weight, along with other stresses riddled throughout various aspects of my life all seem to come down on me sometimes... often times... a lot (and there, in a very small, very tight nutshell, is the cause for my depression).

21 is just a number. The day I turn 21 won't feel any different from any of the days I was 20. Day by day, week by week, month after month, and year after year, it all stays the same. Time is just another unit of measurement like yards, or meters, or litres, or gigabytes. My memories will always remain in the past and I can look on them in fondness (or not) but I will never be able to relive them; to feel how I felt in moments already cemented in history. And no matter what life has thrown at me, good or bad, until the day I die, I will have to live with them and everything that I have to look forward to. The objective, though it may at times seem daunting to me, is to continue moving forward, to stick to my morals and ethics, and to the best person I can be no matter what. Time... age... has nothing to do with these things except to serve as a method of keeping track of when events have and will occur... and I will face every challenge and cherish every fond moment that comes my way.

"Time Is Running Out"

"I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted.
...Our time is running out."

Like most people who own television sets, I follow a certain number of shows. I mostly follow watch cop dramas such as "CSI: Miami" (because Horatio Caine is the shit), "CSI: NY" (Because "Baba O'Riley" is my favorite song and it serves as the opening theme), "Cold Case" (for its excellent choice of music in its numerous period-piece scenes),... and "Sue Thomas, F.B. Eye" (guilty pleasure... but Sue is such a charming woman). Outside of the cop-drama genre, I keep up with "South Park", "Terminator: TSCC" (Lena Hedley is real good lookin'), and "Battlestar Galactica" (which will be ending this year).
Now, with most of these shows, I don't mind missing an episode here, an episode there. I might moan and groan a bit when I miss an episode, but it's no big deal. However, there is one show currently on T.V. that commands my attention more than any other show has or does: "24".
It's been nearly a year and a half since 24 has aired any new episodes (not including the two-hour T.V. movie, "24: Redemption") and tomorrow, Sunday, January 11, 2009, the show makes its much-anticipated return to television.

I have always been an avid T.V. viewer and I've noticed a lack of shows on which I am hooked. I used to follow quite a few shows closely before their finales: "Friends", "The Sopranos", "The X-Files", and "The Shield" (to name a few). To be honest, most of the shows I watch right now are more for their novelty than for their substance (as is the way witht the CSI shows I watch). Not that they're bad shows... I just don't have the drive anymore to sit on the couch and watch television for hours on end.

Once "24" makes its triumphant return I'm sure that will change slightly.

So, now I'm just sitting here counting down the seconds until the two-hour premier (literally counting them down... the official site for the show actually has a countdown clock).

I don't know what else to write here. Uh... if you're reading this watch "24" tomorrow at 8pm (7 central.)

"When You're Gone"

"... The pieces of my heart are missin' you.
... The face I came to know is missin' too.

When you're gone,

The words I need to hear

to always get me through the day

and make it okay:

'I miss you'."

I don't know why, but lately I've been feeling lonely. Rather, I should say I'm more lonely than usual. It's a certain kind of lonely too. There's a lonely where you feel abandoned or cast aside and forgotten by others. There's a loneliness you feel when there's absolutely no one around and you merely crave to be around another human being. And then there's the loneliness I'm feeling. It's the kind you feel when it seems like everyone around you seems to walking arm-in-arm, or their fingers interlinked with each others', and you can see three small words being exchanged between people... not always vocally, but in each squeeze of the hand; each smile; each peck on the cheek.
I miss it badly, that feeling of loving someone in such a way any attempt to describe your emotions fails. It's a feeling that's meant to be felt rather than described. But, I think what I miss most is the feeling, the knowing that someone loves me in the same way I love them... but then again, it's been so long since the last time anyone felt that way about me. I wonder if I can ever feel that way again.
One thing that may be greatly attributing to these feelings of loneliness is because I miss her.

For some reason she keeps coming to mind. God, I miss her so much! I'm so serious right now! I don't understand it. I believed that I've since moved on. I mean, I've had crushes on other girls in the last year... even fallen heavily for one or two. But lately she's been all I can think about.
What we had I could never describe. I thought I'd been in love before. I thought I'd been loved before... but what we had, I don't know, it seemed to surpass any of those feelings. There was no questioning if our feelings were real; if maybe we both wanted to be loved so badly we just believed that we loved each other as passionately as we did. I even tried to convince myself of this at the time we needed to go our separate ways; that it was just my foolish heart playing games with my mind. But there was no denying it: I loved her, heart and soul.

Since she's been gone, she's left a large nothingness in me I've been trying to fill. I've tried to fill it with the love of another, but girls tend not to notice me or, when they do, they don't like me like that. Mostly, though, I've tried to fill the void with various projects. These include all the film and stage projects (AKA epic phails!) I've mentioned in the past as well as the moderately popular "zombie comics" I've published on my Facebook (using photos of my friends and stock photos of zombies). I think the thing that I've been utilizing to occupy that void the most is this blog: it's given me time to contemplate my life and look at how I'm doing in the moment as well as providing me a place to vent. Although it's proven to be quite therapeutic, it's a mere distraction. All of it, as satisfying (or disappointing) or as time-consuming as they may be, they all fail to truly fill the emptiness in me.

Some people believe in one soulmate or one-and-only's. I don't believe that and I hope to God that I'm right. If I'm not, then I am doomed to walk the Earth with this hole in my soul... because, if we all have one soulmate, if we all have a one-and-only... I've already known and lost mine.