"In Your Eyes"

"All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade so soon will burn.
Without a noise, without my pride,
I reach out from the inside."

There are times when we find ourselves wondering what the hell we're doing. Who are we? What have we become? Who and what are we going to be tomorrow. I've found that often when people are questioning themselves, past, present, and future, they look to the negative and see everything that is wrong with themselves; the regrets they've made; the bleakness of the future.
Far too often do people grant more weight to the negative rather than the positive.
However, there may have been a time before the gloom that was truly great. A time when we were happy with our life, the universe and everything in it. A time when we were happy and proud to be who we were.
We may ask ourselves how we'll ever be able to get back to the person we once were. The truth is we probably will never truly return to being we were in the past. In fact, it's impossible. Whatever it is that draws us to this slump, we take a little bit of it with us. It's all a part of growing and building character. But can we do it by ourselves? Maybe. Hopefully we don't have to. We like to hope that there will always be someone there for us. Someone who will maintain our sanity, give us solace, and allow us to be ourselves... the person we want to be.
Sometimes that person is a parent. Sometimes it's a life-long pal. Sometimes it's whoever you say your prayers to. And then sometimes it's someone straight out of left field...

At the beginning of the month, I was feeling a bit better. Actually, I should say a lot better considering the state I was in during the previous months. However, I was still suffering from very severe moments of depression. I would slip into it at the most unexpected (and often inconvenient) times. The way I'd felt only a week or two before was beginning to dwindle; I couldn't run off the memory of who I was much longer. I was quickly sliding back into my slump.
It was entirely out of the blue. A lump lodged itself in my throat the day I received that email.
It was from a friend from a few years back. She and I were quite the duo. To say the least, I enjoyed her company immensely. To be frank, however, I loved her terribly. Not the best way to feel towards one of your best friends. You must understand that the only reason I say that is because after professing my interest in furthering our relationship, she withdrew from me eventually citing that she didn't know how to react and didn't think she was good enough for someone like me.
It had been about a year and a half since we'd spoken. I was almost certain that she'd forgotten about me. I'd long since gotten over her and had in fact had my heart broken a few times since. Obliterated once. And here she was, saying she wanted to meet up so she could buy a hat.
How the hell I was supposed to react to this. I was happy that she had decide to get back in touch. I was nervous that it would be awkward. I was anxious to see her again. I was worried she didn't really want to get back in touch and really just wanted to buy some new head apparel.
The day came and all my fears were cast asunder. We ended up going for an extremely long walk through the city (a walk that lasted something like six hours?). All the while talking: catching up, and reminiscing about the good old days. Sharing and laughing like a we hadn't spent a day apart. Like I hadn't spoiled it all by saying something stupid.
I felt rejuvenated just as I had felt when I had spent the evening with my other friend. At the same time I felt very satisfied knowing I hadn't lost a very cherished friend. However, at the back of my head an voice kept reminding me: "the feeling will fade... it always does."
Then she gave me a gift. She hadn't planned on it, I'm sure, but it was a most delightful gift: She was suddenly caught up in a wave of excitement over having me over for waffles and watching a particular show on the telly we had talked about that afternoon. Just as suddenly as she had gotten all riled up, a wave of embarrassment washed over her. I don't know what it was and I dare not venture a guess as I'll surely dilute the what I saw in her in that moment.
She blushed and covered her mouth with her scarf as if it would keep her from speaking anything else that might embarrass her. And there was this look in her eyes. I can't put my finger on it and I won't even try. All I can say is that it filled me with a warmth that was... all too familiar and at the same time foreign and alien.
That moment stays with me like a snap-shot in a photo album. Every now and then, it flashes in my mind and makes me feel that much more whole. Whatever my problems may be, whatever anxieties may be plaguing me, that moment and that day always remind of who I really am. Now, more than anytime in the last 6 months, do I look forward to tomorrow.

Adversity comes in many shapes and forms. Sometimes in overwhelming amounts. And though it may seem at times that we are facing it alone, we need to be willing to let others help us and keep our hearts and our minds open... because you'll never know when someone's going to come save you.

"Never Surrender"

"And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
'Cause no one can take away your right to fight
And to never surrender."

It's been a while since I last posted anything, and if anyone's read any of the previous posts, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I'd gone and put myself out of my misery. Well, I'm still here, alive and surprisingly well.
I am still suffering from depression, however. It's a constant battle but I'm feeling more on the up and up now than the last time I was here. In fact, I'm feeling much better than I have in a very very long time. That's not to say that the time between this post and the last has been a breeze...

Sometime shortly after my last post I looked back at what I'd done. What I'd written. Though it felt nice to get how I felt out into the open (for your viewing pleasure), upon reading them I couldn't help but feel terrible that the person I was reading about was me. I didn't want to blog after that. In fact I didn't want to do very much of anything.
Then again, there wasn't much for me to do. There was work and there was home. I'd lost interest in video games, books, television, even writing. If I was at home, there was a good chance I'd be sitting in my room staring out into nothing, thinking about any number of things. I hated the feeling I got just sitting there, analyzing my situation over and over again. I would often find myself going for walks to keep myself from the solitude of my room. Though I've been an avid fan of taking long walks to relax, I could find no solace in my treks. No matter where I went, my demons were always at my side... after all, no one else was.
Work continued to spiral downward. I found myself and my work ethics strongly challenged, caught in the middle of a three-way crossfire: My boss, the administration, and my workers. I knew when I accepted my promotion as assistant manager that things were going to get really ugly. Things in our department were already in a slump of sorts and I was supposed to help iron out the kinks. It's kind of difficult to do so when your boss is unsympathetic towards his workers. It's even more difficult when the workers start staging coups to make things harder for my boss (I'm affected too but, as one worker said, "I'm sorry. You just happen to be caught in the middle."). It's even more difficult when the administration picks up on the coup and questions our entire departments integrity. So, if my mind wasn't preoccupied with my personal problems, I had more than enough problems at work to plague me for the remainder of the day.
Each day grew more and more unbearable. I despised waking up in the morning, forced to face the same old dribble the last day presented. If it's possible, I loathed the night even more. My sleep was always broken and if I could get a decent night's sleep, I would dream terrible dreams. Dreams of me in love with a girl that loved me back (it was rarely the same girl and, often enough, I don't recall ever seeing them before). As pleasant as that sounds, I hated it. It reminded me of something I didn't have... of a lot I didn't have and craved terribly.
It was a day in the third week of February. Monday, I believe. I'd just gotten off after a long day at the office and had a headache the size of Vermont. I was scheduled to meet with a good friend I hadn't spoken to in a while (as was with many of my good friends). We were to have dinner at a White Spot near Granville Skytrain station. I anticipated that I would bring her usual cheery mood down and the entire meeting would descend into awkwardness. I couldn't have been more wrong.
She'd saved me once before and I swear she saved my life again that night. The humorous anecdotes and seemingly random one-liners, the heartfelt and serious points in our conversation... they reminded me of another time... another me. It reminded me of the person I was proud to be... of a life I loved living. Though much of the conversation was nonsensical dribble, it helped lift my spirits to heights I'd recently deemed prohibited to me.
After we'd said our goodbye's I thought that perhaps this feeling of optimism would fade; that the whole experience was a fit of mania. But It stayed with me all through the night and into the next day. I slept exceptionally well in the following days.
I continued to feel very low for the better part of the days. Every now and then, I'd get a fleeting reminder that I can be the person I once was. Sometimes it'd be enough to get me through the day. Sometimes it wouldn't. Sometimes, I'd just want to curl up and die.

All in all though, things had improved a great deal since back in January. And if I thought I felt good at the beginning of March, I had no idea what lay ahead for me in the next week...