"Change"

"And it's a sad picture
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets
What you wanted again
You know it's all the same
Another time and place
Repeating history
And you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through
Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

So we've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight
When the fight ain't fair

We're getting stronger now
From things they never found
They might be bigger
But we're faster and never scared

You can walk away
Say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes
Says we can beat this
'Cause these things will change

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
Fight for what we've worked for
All these years
The battle was long
It was the fight of our lives
But we'll stand up, champions tonight
It was the night things changed

Can you see it now?
The walls that they put up
To hold us back
Fell down
It's a revolution
Throw your hands up
'Cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah
We sang hallelujah
Hallelujah "
Send "Change" Ringtone to your Cell
2009 is less than an hour away from wrapping up. Yes, I am at home by myself blogging. Not that I really mind though. I've been feeling rather somber today and kind of relish the solitude. Mostly, I suppose because I've been thinking back on the past 365.
A lot of crap happened this year: They made a sub-par "Wolverine: Origins" movie and an even worse "G.I. Joe" movie (that made me cry); the reaper went on a killing spree on a whole slew of celebrities (including the one and only and much sorely-missed by me, Billy Mays); Kanye West, that twat, decided it would be the best course of action, both for his image and as a human being, to interrupt and embarrass Taylor Swift at the MTV VMAs; the radio was dominated by T-Pain. The list goes on.

Kanye West was very lucky I wasn't present at the MTV VMAs. So very luck...

Despite all this, the was a fair amount of good that 2009 carried with it. The long-running comic "100 Bullets" was finally brought to it's stunning conclusion (or so they say. I received the last TPB for Christmas and am re-reading the whole series from the beginning!); "The Shield" also came to an end in what I think was one of the best series finales of all time... all time (Kanye, you twat!); George W. Bush is no longer head of state to the most powerful nation in the world; Water was discovered on the moon. Etc... etc...
I've been looking back at my previous entries today (including the ones I've yet to publish; I've got about 12 I never finished between now and August '09... I'll only finish and publish the ones I can actually remember the reasons for sitting down and writing them in the first place). The changes throughout this past year have been monumental and comparing myself to who I was all through 2008, all in all, I'd say it was a half-decent year.

The big landmark for me this year came in February. After continually being beat down by my depression, I decided it was up to me to really turn things around in my life. I made changes in my lifestyle and in my attitude in order to combat the demons that had first began haunting me in the autumn of 2007. My depression may not have vanished over night... in fact, I'm still dealing with it now... but the steps I made then have been far-reaching and it is because of my decisions then that I am able to say that 2009 was an alright year.
A part of my war against depression involved me making another big decision: I quit my job. I'd been employed by my previous employer for 6 and a half years. It wasn't a bad job or anything, but I hated it. I hated it because it was stealing away parts of me that I'd forgotten were a part of me (namely, the creative side). Besides, I needed a change of scenery. And so, after 6 long years, I'd finally moved on.
My decision to quit my job gave me more time to rediscover my creative side. I began writing new comedy sketches and even started a couple of novels (one of them being a not-so-subtle ode to Taylor Swift). Aside from that, I began to play music again. I actually hadn't touched a guitar in over a year (save for the day I accompanied my sister in a talent show last year). Not only did I begin to play the guitar more often ("often" eventually became "several hours a day"), but I began writing again. I'd written songs before, but I'd always thought them rubbish. But the songs I was writing were different; things I could be proud of... songs that actually made me think hmm... these songs actually aren't that bad.
This rediscovery of my love of music married with my newly developed ability to write half-decent songs brought forth a welling of another desire of mine: To perform. While re-watching "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" in the early summer, I came about the episode in which Rupert Giles performs "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who and thought to my self... Hey! I could play in coffee shops and stuff! Since then I've been making an effort to get out there as often as I can to perform music, be it songs I've written or covers... either way, it doesn't matter too much to me.
In July, while on the hunt for open mics, I happened upon an ad on craigslist advertising a 35-40 minute set at a local restaurant. The ad encouraged the performing of original material. It was perfect. I arranged to have myself perform one evening and, despite the meager crowd, quite enjoyed myself. I was however invited back and before I knew it, I'd requisitioned my groove and now have no problem getting into full performance mode.
It was also at this restaurant that I met someone whom I consider a good friend of mine... and I hope she counts me amongst her friends as well. In the short time we've known each other, she's helped me shed this burden of self-deprecation (to an extent at least) and if ever there has been anyone to encourage my musical endeavors, she's the one who shows it the most. For this I'm thankful for her and only hope that one day I'll be able to repay her for her friendship. (This is, of course, not to belittle the encouragement others have given me nor to discount the value of their support)

The hour just rolled over. It's 2010 now. Nothing is different; the first minute of this new year... this new decade... feels the same as the last. The only change that's occurred is that the calender reads a different month, and a different year. If I've learned anything from 2009 it would be this: Our lives are constantly in motion... constantly changing... but unless we make the effort to engineer the changes in our own lives to better ourselves, our lives are not our own. We remain as slaves to ourselves... to the part within us that refuses to get up and push back when life's hardships throw us to the ground.
Time brings with it changes. Only we have the ability to take what life throws at us and shape it into a life we can be proud of... a life we want... a life worth living.

Now, on to 2010.

"Move Along"

"Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall, everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold"

My decision to pursue venues for me to perform my music has been working out fairly well. I'm finally getting to really relieve myself of the need to perform and express myself artistically. Those were things I was counting on and I'm glad to say that, so far, I've met at least some success. What I wasn't counting on, however, was the new friends I would make along the way... and the chance encounter with a stranger-turned-friend that would make a vital impact on my life.

I've been trying my hand and open-mics since my "first gig". They've had their ups and downs. Sometimes the ups outnumber the downs... sometimes. All in all, I've been having fun playing. It's certainly been a learning experience, if anything.
I played at one place downtown. A fairly nice place too. They have the "stage" situated by a large double window that faces out into the street that, in this blazing heat, had propped wide open. I thought that was really cool. However, despite the great setting, I found the patrons to be not so favoring of original music. After performing a few of my own songs, I switched over to covers and the crowd enjoyed it much more
Aside from that place downtown, I've been hitting a few other places here and there. The sets at most other places are really short though: about 15 minutes/ 3 songs apiece. I can understand that other people want to play but, dammit, I need longer sets.
I've found myself returning to the restaurant where I had my first gig often enough though. Sure, the crowd there usually isn't very large, but hey, they listen there and I get a nice extended set (s'about 35-40 minute sets).
Aside from a longer set and the cozy intimate atmosphere, I'm encouraged to attend these open-mic sessions due to the woman who is running the event (for now: apparently she's taking over for someone else while they're on tour). Aside from being a redhead (gah! my weakness!), she has been really supportive of my musical endeavors. Not that I haven't been supported by my friends. In fact, a few weeks ago, a couple of people actually showed up to one of my sets. The thing is we don't have any sort of established friendship. If we had, I would totally expect her to say "Yeah! Your music is great! You're awesome! Woo!". Instead, despite my protests, she insists that my music is actually alright.
Speaking of my protests, my overly-modest and self-deprecating nature has come up in conversation between the two of us. This is where she's really surprised me. She's forced me, in a guiding light sort of way, to not look down at myself, boosting my confidence both as a musician and a person in general.
The issue of my low self-esteem has been one I've been struggling with for a long time and one I thought I'd gotten over until I was steeped in my current depression. Up until recently, I'd kind of just accepted it as a part of who I was. And it is, but my acceptance of it as a permanent attribute of my character has hindered me from overcoming it. She has and continues to drag me, kicking and screaming, out of this slump of low self-esteem . It's a work in progress, but someone had to do it... I wasn't fairing very well with it on my own.

I keep wondering where I'd be today were it not for the changes I've made thus far in the year. I actual fear where I'd be... if I would even "be" at all. The changes I have made in my life, though done intentionally to improve my quality of life, has yielded benefits I had no control over... that have just come due to my decision to move in the directions I've chosen. This here is a prime example: I chose to exercise the musical and performer's side of me, I got that and a lot more: I've been shown (and dragged along) the path of leading away from self-deprecation and gained a valuable ally.

"This Is Me"

"This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed be now
Gonna let the light shine on me
Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be"

Tonight I performed my first open-mic.
I'd been thinking about it for a little while now. I'd recently seen an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer in which Giles performs The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" at a coffee shop and thought I could do that. I often record songs I write and share them with a select few of my friends. I consulted these people with this idea of performing my songs for an audience and they were quite enthusiastic about it, encouraging me to do so.
I've never had stage fright before. I've had pre-show jitters a few times, but never truly nervous about going on stage. I'd known for a long time that I was a performer; that belonged on a stage. However, earlier today I was genuinely nervous.

When I began my search for friendly stages that would be open to my style of music (kinda pop-acoustic/ alternative rock-ish stuff), a sort of anxious excitement began to fill me. I'd known that a my suppression of my artistic side and my need to perform was (at least in part) due to my suffering of major depression. I began to feel as if I'd deprived myself over the last year or so (since I've been living with major depression / the epic variety show fail #&^(@#$!!! circa September 2007). It was as if I had prevented myself from seeking out venues at which I could perform; something I felt (and still feel) I had to do. I couldn't wait to finally unleash that ever-essential part of me.
I sent out a few emails here and there to places I'd searched up on the internet that said they had open mics. It didn't take me long to find one willing to let me play for them. Actually, I just received the email yesterday evening. It didn't leave me a lot of time to prepare, but who was I to complain? In any case, was to be at the restaurant at 2000 this evening.
When I woke up this morning (err... afternoon), I was still pretty excited. I spent the hour or so before I was to leave the house practicing, making sure I was frosty and ready go when I got to the restaurant. It was nearly a half hour before I'd planned to leave when a thought occurred to me: what if they don't like me?
I realized that this is a normal reaction but then considered that I am a semi-seasoned stage performer. Not only that, but I've claimed that nothing fulfills me more than performing for others. I've also been one to condone the ideal that shouldn't care too much what one does, so long as one is fulfilling their desires (and not hurting people in the process), but the truth is I wanted these people to enjoy me; enjoy what I had to offer. But I began to wonder if perhaps what I had to offer wasn't what the people who would be attendance wanted; began to wonder if maybe I wasn't really any good at all. I mean, sure, the few people I've shared my music with greatly approve, but they are my friends. It's practically their job to build me up! The public, though, is a different story: they are seldom understanding and quick to judge. Also, an important thing a person pursuing the performing arts must have(important, at least, if you plan on making it big), even more important than the talent is ones physical appearance. And let's face it: I'm not exactly the type of person the media would label a handsome devil (I don't think I'm very good looking, especially if you consider the guys the media considers "handsome" (incidentally, I think most of those guys aren't that great... then again, I'm straight so I don't know if my opinion counts). Also, I'm not evil enough (if at all) to be a devil...).

I walked into the restaurant, confidence, practically shattered, and order myself a coke and rum (I seem to favor them in the last while). Probably not the best idea since I'm running desperately low on funds (Oh yeah, still absolutely no work yet) but I didn't want to be all fidgety and the drink could work to keep my hands busy until my set. I also thought perhaps the drink might "calm my nerves"... no such luck.
The place wasn't very full, which was both good and bad: Good in that I didn't feel so pressured to perform a completely stellar show, bad in that there weren't too many people to perform for. The people who went before me were pretty good. One guy was all guitar skills and very little in the vocals and timing department, but if he got those two down-pat, he'd be pretty damn awesome. The other two were folk musicians. I quite enjoyed them (even though one guy seemed to work extra hard to make his lyrics more impenetrable than bloody Fort Knox).
I felt as if I'd been shown up by the previous musicians, but i took my place on the stage at the appropriate time. I can't remember for certain, but I'm pretty sure I was sweating bullets before I was on stage. I'm talkin' big ol' .50 cal slugs. I thought I was gonna choke like Eminem in the opening scene of "8 Mile". Instead of barfing on my sweater as he did, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was what I was supposed to do. That this is what I've waited so long for and deprived myself of for so long.
To sum it up, it actually wasn't half bad. The few people who were watching gave me positive feedback and the gal running the show (a redhead <3) said she enjoyed hearing me play after I'd finished my set and invited me to come back every Monday, something I might take her up on.
On the way out, I stopped by the bar to pay my "tab" of one drink. The barkeep told me he'd heard me and said he liked it. My reward: another coke and rum on the house.

Well, that was fun and, even though it was only a half-hour long set, I'm beat. Time for sleep.

"Nobody Knows You When You're Down And Out"

" 'Cause no, no, nobody knows you
When you're down and out.
In your pocket, not one penny,
And as for friends, you don't have any."

I'm just feeling kind of stressed out right now. I'd much rather be talking to someone... feels better that way... but I know better than to bore others with my problems, not that I even know who would let me do that. My blog will have to do.

For starters, I've recently found out I have less in my bank account than I'd previously thought. Actually A LOT less than I'd previously thought. I haven't been a lot of money recently though. In fact, I've barely spent anything in the past month. Yet, despite my penny-pinching and frugality, I have almost not money left. I was supposed to have enough money to pay my bills for this and the next month, but now I don't even have enough for this month's bills.
It should have been fine though. I was supposed to have some work lined up for me. I've enlisted with a background actors agency and I was supposed have gotten some work for something like five days straight. They said they'd call me if I was selected for the scene(s). I thought to myself this is great. This will give me a little more leeway with my finances. They never called me back about the shoot. They never called me back at all. They never call me back, period.
So, shucks! I wasn't too worried though. I mean, the important thing is that I can take care of my responsibilities, in this case, my bills. While out for a walk, I decided to stop by the bank to check out my balance and perhaps withdraw a few bucks. Checked my balance... not quite what I was expecting.
So, I'm nearly drained of my funds and the end of the month, bill-payment time, is fast approaching.

I mentioned before that my friends and I have been playing a game called Munchkin quite frequently. It's hella fun (yeah, I said "hella")! But I've begun to wonder if I'm called to spend time with my friends due to the fact that I own the damn game.
I get calls from my friends often enough, asking if they can come over and play Munchkin. I usually say yes, but I'm the kind of guy who likes quiet nights all to myself sometimes. A stark contrast to a few of my other friends who are, it seems, strictly nocturnal. Now, in the past they've called me at like 11pm asking if they can come over and play Munchkin. I declined: I was pretty tired/ feeling glum. But it all worked out though: they came by and picked up Munchkin from me and a jolly time was had by all.
I didn't hear from them for about a week.
Actually, it was me who broke the silence. A few of my other friends wanted to play it so I had to call up my pal who had my game. Once I had my game back, the calls started rolling in again.
Same scenario happened again today. Didn't feel like having people over at that very moment so instead they picked up the game. I probably won't hear from them until I get it back. We'll see.
So, maybe I'm being a bit paranoid here with this notion of being called strictly due to my ownership of Munchkin. Maybe. But that doesn't explain why I don't get called for anything else. Such as going out to eat and other bits of socializing. I haven't told anyone just how dire my financial situation is so, either they are assuming that I a) have no money and therefore b) am not interested in joining them on their spontaneous spending sprees or... well, maybe I'm not really wanted around?
It's all speculation on my part and maybe I'm not giving my friends enough credit. It's not that I think they're twats or anything like that. It's more like I don't know if I'm too far lacking in something (besides funds) to hang out with all the time. You know, that kind of guy who's okay to have around every now and then but you don't really want him around all the time? I think it might be me.

When you've got cash, you can do anything. You can buy the gas for your car. You can pay the rent on your place. You can go out and spend time with your mates. You can take your girlfriend to dinner. All this being said, I need a job.
The job hunt continues to this day. It's been nearly three months scince I've worked and I've handed out nearly 20 resumes in person and sent out countless resumes online. Got one call back, but I think I covered that interview in a previous post. Aside from that, I haven't heard back from anyone. The casting agency (for background actors no less) hasn't even called me with anything (except to tease me with that 5 day shoot).
So, I've got no job. No job equals no money. No money equals no car (seriously, if I knew I'd have the cash in a few months, I'd make my schedule my N-test right now). No car equals no girlfriend. (And no Munchkin equals no calls from friends (though my cell phone company will probably call me sometime soon).
So what if I write music and play guitar? So what if I'm an aspiring novelist? Who cares that I'm a non-caucasian, non-african dreaming to make it as an entertainer (C'mon! You know that puts me at a SEVERE disadvantage)? Lots of people write music and play guitar; it doesn't make me special at all! There are plenty of people who are trying to write novels... and many who have succeeded; wouldn't be a big deal if I did too. And I really should just ditch my hopes of becoming a successful entertainer/ performer; I can't even get a role as an extra! But, more on this at a later date...

Been spending a lot of time by myself. Some times I find myself just staring into nothing, just thinking. Trying to think of positive thoughts but whenever I try to do that, I end up thinking realistic thoughts (those are the opposite of positive thoughts, by the way). I've been here before. Maybe not this exact situation, but this frame of thought... this state of mind... it's all too familiar. I hate it!
Okay, I've gone on long enough with all the bull that's been piling up lately and if anyone's reading this you're probably hoping I go and become an hero so I'll stop for now.
I really do wish I had someone to talk to though. Then again, I have a habit of trying to hide my strife from people. Still...

But here's a touch of good news: "Futurama" is coming back for a new season! If I can pay my cable bill, I just might be able to see it!

It's been six years since "Futurama" was cancelled, but it's coming back for another round!

"Man In The Mirror"

"A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart
And a washed-out dream
They follow the pattern of the wind ya' see
'Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me"

These are tough times.
Then again, looking back into human history, when have they been truly swell? Our struggles, after all, have the ability to strengthen our character (if we allow them) and we should welcome the various challenges we're faced with on a daily basis. And for every problem we face, there is a multitude of ways to react to it. Sometimes, people react in ways the benefit them and them alone. Other times, people might react in way that benefits everyone as much as possible. There are also times when some people just want to screw over anyone and everyone.

My friends and I have been playing a new game lately. It's called Munchkin. Munchkin is a card-based game that both parodies and pays homage to traditional role-playing games like "Dungeons And Dragons" or "Vampire: The Masquerade" and other d20's (none of which I play). We've been playing this game a lot. No, seriously! We need to take longer breaks between "gaming sessions" or the game's going to get stale.
In any case, having immersed myself in RPG lore lately, I was re-introduced to the Alignment System first introduced in D&D. The Alignment System is a can be viewed as a 3x3 grid; the columns from left to right correspond to "lawful", "neutral", and "chaotic" while the rows from top to bottom represent "good", "neutral", and "evil". If you can imagine this grid, in the top-right cell would be "chaotic good" while the middle-row, first-column cell would be "lawful neutral".
The official D&D site has this to say about character alignment:

The moral axis has three positions: good, neutral and evil. Good characters generally care about the welfare of others. Neutral people generally care about their own welfare. Evil people generally seek to harm the others' welfare.The ethical axis has three positions as well: lawful, neutral, and chaotic. Lawful people generally follow the social rules as they understand them. Neutral people follow those rules find convenient or obviously necessary. And chaotic people seek to upset the social order and either institute change, or simply create anarchy.

In an RPG, the alignment of the characters created by their players determines their standing amongst his or her fellow players and is displayed within the decisions he or she makes during decisive moments as the story progresses. (click here to read more about the D&D Alignment System)

An example of an Alignment grid... using 4chan pictures.

Though the Alignment System presented by D&D can't truly cover every real person's characteristics, it does serve as a very fair, very accurate interpolation of the different kinds of people out there (though calling some people "evil" might be a bit mean). I, myself, fall under the category of "chaotic good". One of my friends accurately falls under "true neutral", another buddy is "lawful neutral", and someone else I know is appropriately categorized as "neutral evil" (there are various "personality tests" that help categorize your personal traits on the internet. This is a particularly well done alignment test as is this one).
I've always found human behavior fascinating and have always made a point of trying to understand people's perspectives and empathizing rather than judging and condemning another persons' ways. It's this attitude that made approachable when people where often dealing with rough times (but that was long ago. My honesty... honesty in general... isn't very popular these days). It was this yearning to understand others that first introduced me to the alignment grid and it's usefulness in real life.
As I said before, the 3x3 grid is only an interpolation of the various characteristics a human being can possess. However, it does help one understand themselves a bit better. And when we know ourselves, we can decide in which direction we want our lives to move in. In this case, the case of good, neutral, and "evil", one can see through their actions and decisions that they are, for example, for the most part, "neutral evil". Upon realizing what others see in them and their actions, they may choose to alter their own behavior to "better" themselves and those around them. Then again, one might find themselves happy with being "lawful neutral" and continue to act and think in the way that person does normally. In this sense, the Alignment System is a useful tool in everyday life.
It would seem that the Alignment System would be perfect if not for one thing: The ever-changing minds and hearts of people. The systems works very well in the game world. In reality however, where nothing is predetermined and everyone is fighting to be on top, we find ourselves swaying with rising tides.
The attitudes and outlooks on life of a person are directly affected by the actions of the others around them, what is absorbed from the media, and other variables in that person's environment. Even those who have consciously rooted their beliefs and ethics and principals can see their code of conduct waver in the face of an ever-changing environment. A person who always followed the law or their heart can suddenly throw their morals and principals out the window if the negative actions of others around him were to unhinge his behavior. On the other end of the spectrum, one who had lived a morally perverse life might change their ways were they to be faced by a yet-unseen kindness in another person or the solace that is sometimes found in religion.

People say that if we want to see change, we need to make the change ourselves. The world is a dog-eat-dog place and there are always going to be people who are willing to step on a few toes and stab a few backs to get ahead in life. Every day, we find it harder than the last to walk the straight and narrow. All we can do is do what we think... what we know is right, surround ourselves with people who keep us on track, and hope our positivity rubs off on others.

"Bewitched, Bothered, And Bewildered"

"I'll sing to her, bring spring to her
And long for the day when I'll cling to her"

Since my very first real-life crush, I've always been impartial to red-haired girls. A few friends know of this and some even picked up on it without me ever mentioning it. I never really knew why, but I think I may have accidentally traced it to it's roots.

Last night, I started watching "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" from the beginning (thanks to the ability to stream video online). I was reminded of a scene from the show when "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who came up on my iPod. After searching the net for a little while, I was able to find a site that has most of (if not all) "Buffy" episodes.
The show was well executed just as all critically-acclaimed shows are, and I'm pretty easily entertained so I enjoyed it immensely. However, as I grew older, I began to acknowledge "Buffy" as a TV show for "thinkers": shows that make you think or have deeper underlying themes worth discussing, making most, if not all, episodes open for dissection and discussion (in fact, a few years after the series wrapped, a book looking into the philosophical aspects and themes of the show was released). I always appreciated it for that and it was a trend that carried on in me when selecting TV shows I deemed worth following.
In any case, I sat down to watch the show, anxiously awaiting all the demon-slaying fun, teen-angst, and all that other good stuff. As the first episode progressed, I remembered what might have been my main draw toward the show back in the day: Willow Rosenberg!

Allyson Hannigan played Willow Rosenberg on BTVS

Willow was a somewhat meek and unpopular kid at school. Despite what some might deem as a poor social life, Willow was genuine and exhibited a sweet sort of modesty, a fierce loyalty towards those she loves, as well as a sharp mind and a sense of empathy. As time passed she became much more independent and became stronger both in character as well as in spirit (as well as becoming a powerful witch).
And she was quite cute.
Last night as I lay in bed, my mind began to wander in all kinds of directions (as it always does before I sleep). Now, I can't recall just how I did it, but I managed to put the pieces together and thus came to this conclusion: My affinity towards redheads comes from my ages-long crush on a fictitious television character! At long last the mystery had been solved. However, it got me thinking: what if my soft spot for red-haired girls wasn't the only thing that originated with my crush on Willow?

Things between Willow and I would never have worked out: she eventually discovered/ became a lesbian... and I'm not a girl.

I thought about other crushes I've had. Allyson Hannigan will forever be a crush of mine for having portrayed Willow on "Buffy". Amy Adams is also quite pretty (and she gets extra points for being as charming as she was in "Enchanted") and I've no doubt I'd turn into a blabbering idiot were I to meet her in person. However, these crushes are all based on superficial, physical traits; I can't really see myself happily dating either of them for their physical beauty alone (also, I don't stand a chance with them).
Then I thought about the girls I actually like(d). It's not a very long list at all, but they all seem to have fairly similar characteristics to those of Willow; traits I admire in a person and look for in a woman (or at least just happen to find).
Of course I'm not looking for someone who is the perfect personality-clone of Willow. That wouldn't be any fun. Parts of the experience of being with someone are getting to know the person even after you think you know everything about them and the unexpected ways life's experiences can and will mold us into the people of tomorrow. So, if I were to know exactly how to act around a girl or knew how she'd like to be treated or was conscious of all her talents, it really wouldn't be all that great. Even if a girl has similar traits to Willow, I would still want to get to know her and I'd want to learn more and more about her as time passes. I guess this explains both why I've been drawn to the girls I've been drawn to (like Taylor Swift).

I suppose I have Joss Whedon to thank for my specific interest in women. What it all boils down to though is that weither a girl has red hair or not doesn't really matter. What does matter to me is that she be genuine and somewhat modest, fiercely loyal towards those she loves, well as being equipped with a sharp mind and the ability to empathize to some degree; who feels and knows they have room to grow as a person and is willing let me help her to do so as much as she is willing to help me.
And I wouldn't complain if she was quite cute.

Taylor is actually the first blonde I've ever had a crush on... and she's a doozey of a crush (and totally in a league of her own)

"Taking Care Of Business"

"And if your train's on time you can get to work by nine
And start your slaving job to get your pay
If you ever get annoyed, look at me I'm self-employed
I love to work at nothing all day"

I've been out of work for nearly two months now. I have to admit, I've been bored out of my mind lately. Not bored enough to go back to the working at the convention center, but still, I really need to fill my hours with something productive.
It hasn't been all lazing about for me though. I've begun writing a new novel (the one I was working on previously is on hold until I can find the inspiration to overcome my writer's block) and that takes up sometimes up to eight hours of my day (I try to write at least two hours a day). I haven't written/ recorded any new songs lately, but I'm still fiddling around with my guitar everyday. One of these days, something will come to me.
I'm glad I've been able to rediscover my creative side which has laid dormant for so long. I remember now how important my creativity and expression through my work is to me. Hopefully, this will pay off someday (I should probably set up that MySpace or YouTube account like people keep suggesting so I can start being heard on the net).
Despite all the leaps I've made in awakening my creative side, living day-to-day still costs money. I have money put away and I've slowly been milking it as I need to. Things like food, bathroom amenities, and cell phone, internet, and cable bills are a few costs I need to stay on top of. The thing is, though I've learned to be quite thrifty compared to when I was working, I'm not the greatest money-saver and not beyond succumbing to the temptation of the impulse-buy section of the supermarket.
I financially, I can float on for a little while longer, but honestly I'd like to be able to spend just a little more freely. Also, I need to fill my free hours in the day with something and, as much as I enjoy just sitting on the couch watching "Sue Thomas: F.B. Eye", I think it'd be a good idea to get at least a part-time job. Thus, I have been on the hunt for a job over the last few weeks.

Everybody says, with my previous exemplary work history, I can get whatever job I like. The truth: not really. My work history allows me to work office-related jobs, as well as supervisory positions. I really would rather not work in an office again, but I don't mind supervising others. Honestly, I'd like to try my hand at retail. Not just anywhere though. I'd like to work in a music store or a bookstore. If I'm going to work in retail, I want to be selling a product I believe in and support. So, I've sent my resume to numerous locations, both online and in person.
Three weeks and dozens of resumes and applications later, I finally had an interview. It was at a bookstore downtown and it was scheduled for last Monday. It looked as if I'd caught a break! Not so much.
Apparently, the company does their interviews in pairs and the guy I was paired up with was a 20-something (my age) guy who modern girls probably swoon over. Good looks can get you anything, so he was already one point ahead of me. We were introduced to the person who would be conducting our interview. She was pleasant, fairly attractive lady who smiled brightly (and I could've sworn she blushed) when she shook the hand of my rival job-seeker. She nodded politely to me and my extended hand and she lead us into a back-room where the interview would take place. Great! Now the person interviewing us has the hots for him. Him-2. Me-0.
As we were bombarded with questions my rival proceeded to answer with monosyllabic responses. I had to make sure they knew I was capable of handling myself and, since I've never worked in a retail environment before, I was willing to learn whatever was needed to do my job properly. I thought to myself yes! I've finally got the one-up on this guy!
Then he went and played his trump card.
He told the lady that he'd worked for that book company before and was familiar with the way their stores operated and thus had all the retail experience he needed. That was it! Three strikes! I was out. I know that's true, because I haven't been called back.

I know I'm not the only looking for work. This recession is really kicking everybody's ass these days. Every month, jobs are being lost by the thousands and people are taking whatever they can get and holding on to whatever they have. As much as I hope to get a job in these tumultuous times, I just want the whole damn recession to blow over so people won't have to worry so much about weither or not they're going to have a job to support their families tomorrow or not.
And I've really been thinking: maybe it was entirely the wrong time to sacrifice my job for my creative rebirth...

"Learning To Fly"

"Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there"

It's been a while since I've blogged. Not that I haven't wanted to. I've had plenty of urges to just pour myself onto the screen since my last entry. To tell the truth though, I've been quite busy lately. Busy going out with friends, rebuilding some sort of social life. Busy keeping things in order around the house (save for my room, it's fairly tidy and, despite my bachelor status, I quite like it like that). Busy, trying to strengthen my relationship with my family. When I have the time to blog, I'm often too tired to concentrate on it so, if I do end up writing anything, it just gets scrapped later. Also, if I get the urge to let myself hang out on my little corner of the world-wide web, I usually too... uhm... distraught to bring myself to do it. Not a good thing.

In any case, tomorrow is a pretty important day, not for myself, but for my sister (the middle one). Tomorrow is her graduation ceremony. I can hardly believe it: my little sister, graduating! Every time I think of it, I begin to wonder where all the time has gone.
My sister and barely ever got along when we were younger. I won't go as far as to say I hated my sister, but for a long time I really really REALLY didn't like her at all! My parents shifted a lot of their frustrations and scrutiny to me (still do) while my sister was the golden child. She did everything that she was told to do in the way she was told to do it, even into her early high school days. I don't think she ever noticed it back then, but my parents' showering of adoration over my lil sis was starting to give her a big head. She started to realize she had a one-up on me, and would sometimes use that to her advantage.
That's not to say she was completely evil. Despite all her annoyances and displays of poor attitude, she still cared about me. This side of her would show when I was being berated (probably by my dad) for no-good-reason. She hated to see me upset and was aware of the occasional unjustness being dealt to me. Most of all, I think she hated to see me and my parents disagreeing with one another. I remember she would cry while my parents (probably just my dad) and I argued.
For a long while she had lived a life where I took the blunt of the frustrations my parents had while she bathed in their sheltered adoration and doting. However, I think she really began to mature after I had taken up residence in our basement suite. This left her alone with my mom dad and our recently born youngest sister. With me around not nearly enough to absorb all their ire and criticism, it fell to my sister. It all happened pretty fast and I saw it very soon after I'd moved downstairs. The sudden change was quite overwhelming for her and I remember there was one day she came to me to talk about the trouble she was having with mum n' dad. I thought when she finally felt how I'd felt, I would feel content, happy that the tables had finally turned on her. Instead, I felt sympathy. I knew the position she was in and the pressure she was under and I couldn't help but feel for her. That was the first time she'd opened up to me.
Though we were starting to finally get along (after something like fourteen years), we were hardly Richard and Karen Carpenter. We still had our differences. The biggest and most prominent was my sister's decision to follow in the religious footsteps of my parents. I've got no problem with that. I'm not anti-religious whatsoever. However, in doing so, she felt it necessary to condemn me for sinful ways at every chance possible. This carried on for a long time and probably peaked just as I was beginning my second, and current, bout with depression.
This depression of mine has been a real monkey on my back (to put it VERY LIGHTLY). Despite being the worst thing ever, in some ways, it has served as a blessing in disguise. One such way was the way it brought my sister and I closer than ever before.
I remember one day after I'd been berated by my parents (oblivious to my condition), my sister came down to see me and I was very quiet. Now, normally, she'd probably use the opportunity to diss me or piss me off with her often-untimely sarcasm. Instead she asked if I was okay. She hadn't been aware of the heated discussion between my parents and I and I don't think I was exhibiting any other signs of distress. It was as if she could sense something wrong, like that link that some siblings have with each other or something (or is that strictly twins...?). Months later, after everyone was well aware of my depression and my dad went on that months-long streak of not speaking to each other, my sister and I ended up having a conversation. It was the first time I can ever remember the both of us having a real conversation about real current personal affairs. We talked until about one in the morning about everything from family, to her fast-approaching graduation, to ideologies and codes of ethics. After 16 years, my sister and I actually got to know each other and over time my sister became my friend.

I bought her a graduation gift today. I'd have gotten her something a bit larger and more substantial but I'm out of the job so I hope she likes it. I got her Dr. Suess' "Oh, The Places You'll Go". Yeah, I know it's hardly an original graduation gift. The message contained inside though... well, I couldn't have said it better myself. She has so much potential and so many opportunities and I just want her to know that as she strives to reach her goals, whatever they may be, I will be right beside her, cheering her on and picking her up when she feels like she can't go on. After all, I'd be a pretty crappy brother if I didn't do that.

My sister has sure grown up a lot. I'm so very proud of her and what she's become and eagerly await everything she will be. Whatever she becomes, I will always be proud of her and I will always love her. I hope she knows this.

"Theme from 'The Terminator'"

"The future is not set; there is no fate but what we make for ourselves"
- Kyle Reese

This May is a pretty big month in terms of media being released. You've got Green Day's album "21st Century Breakdown" due today. Also, season 7 of "24" hits the shelves on DVD and BRD a day after the finale airs. And then, you've got two of the year's much anticipated summer blockbusters: "Star Trek" (which was pretty damn good!) and "Terminator Salvation" (which is due on May 21st).

With these two films (both belonging to franchises I adore), the concept of time plays an important role. In "Star Trek" Jim, Bones, Spock and the rest are thrust into an alternate timeline (set apart from the timeline established by pretty much every episode and every other Star Trek film) due to certain parties traveling back in time, altering the past. In "Terminator Salvation" the future leader of mankind, brought up to believe that certain events are bound to happen, faces a future in which many things he was led to believe have changed due to several people from the "future" traveling back in time and changing the past.

When I heard the title of Green Day's latest album, I thought it might have something to do with me...

These works of fiction depict time as something that can be easily altered and manipulated. In these worlds, one can know the future and act in the present to change that future if they see it fit to do so. Perhaps, they might use the knowledge of future events to prevent undesirable events, be it on a global, galactic, or personal scale.

Unfortunately in the reality we live in, time travel is not (yet) possible. Our future plans are not set in stone, despite our best efforts to prepare for anything that may impede them. We do not have the luxury of knowing what will be standing in the way of our goals. We are not gifted with the foresight allowing us to choose certain courses of action we otherwise might not be privy to (or outright not see) that can mean the difference between success and failure.
For us, our only glimpse into the future is through the past. Through the knowledge of our past experiences and the experiences of others, we try to make the best possible decisions as how to proceed in the present, hoping to reach the goals we've set for ourselves. For us, our goals lie solely in the future. In science-fiction where time-travel is possible, the people involved are sometimes able to travel backwards in time with a goal (which almost always is ultimately altering the past to alter the future). What we have done and what others have done have been cemented in history and unalterable. All we have is our present and a future waiting to be written.
The sooner we realize this, the sooner we understand the true worth of time. Not only the value of our time but the value of our actions and the actions of others around also becomes apparent. My question is this: What happens when, despite all these realizations and your appropriate actions, you still can't see the light in your future?

"Star Trek" and "Terminator Salvation" both heavily rely on elements of timeline manipulation.

It's been a few weeks since I quit my job to try to find my center; to rediscover myself. I knew that if I really focused on doing so, I wasn't going to find the person I was in 2007 before my most serious bout of depression. However, I also wasn't expecting the person I did find.
Over a year and a half ago, I was a optimistic realist (paradox much?). I was brimming with creative energy and a deep thinker. I was a go-to guy when people needed someone to listen or someone to talk to. I was fun and loved having fun. The person I was back then was someone I was happy and proud to be.
With all this time on my hands comes lots of self-reflection. Looking at myself and reading some of my past blog entries, I feel like I've slid so far from who I was. I find myself trying to pick out certain moments I wish I could go back in time and warn myself about. There are times when all I want to do is feel what it was like to be me before the fall.
Everything seems heavier now. Like every step towards my future goals and dreams is a mile longer than I predicted. Like every action I make in the right direction towards bettering myself barely makes a dent when I previously thought it would do so much more. It seems like every time I gain ten yards, the end zone gets moved to the other side of the field.
I find myself wishing I could go back in time and change things. Some days I wish I could go back and tell myself "Hey, don't pick up that guitar. You're too big of a dreamer and you're only setting yourself up for a fall". Other days, I wish I could go back and say to myself "There's no real point in writing all these scripts and doing all this acting stuff! If you're not Caucasian or African, success in these areas is very improbable." Blasphemy the lot of it! In retrospect, I know now that much is true and it was practically a sin to think that way.
The future seems so uncertain to me now. Before, I knew myself and knew what I was capable of and despite knowing what I was up against I had the determination and the courage to pursue my goals. Now... now I feel like I don't know anything worth a damn at all. God knows I've been trying... but it feels like a losing fight.
I don't know if I can get through this on my own, but who am I to turn to? I could use a lucky break, but my kind of luck doesn't exactly fall under what is traditionally labeled "good luck" (not that I believe in luck at all). My past experiences have taught me that miracles do exist, and right now a miracle... something entirely unexpected, unprecedented, and improbable... is the only thing that might be able to make me feel good about myself; grant me some sort of security for my future; show me my dreams and my goals aren't as impossible as I've been leading myself to believe.

Try as we might, no matter how in tune with our inner selves we are, no matter how focused and determined we are to mold our future into our liking, there are always going to be pratfalls and unexplainable hindrances to impede our progression. The way I see it, in general people have two choices: give up on your goals; on the person you want to be... or keep fighting and striving to make your dreams a reality.
Personally though, I only have one option... I've never really been one for giving up.

"Only In Dreams"

"...I'm sitting here, strumming, conveying my fear
that I'm singing the songs that no one will hear."

For the last month or so, I've had quite a spur of creativity in terms of my songwriting. It's strange, I've been creatively stumped in terms of my writing for my novel(s) and scripts (Apparently, a buddy of mine and I are going to make yet another attempt at filming stuff), yet I have had lyrics and melodies pouring out of me more than ever before. I've scrapped about 75% of what I've been coming up with, but it usually paves the way for (what I think is) better material.
It's been a nice, having a creative outlet that simultaneously has revived my guitar-playing (I've barely played in nearly a year). I'm actually coming up with stuff I don't mid sharing with others and, indeed, I have decided to share a few of my original tunes with a very select few. One of the most rewarding things I've taken from this recent flux in creative lyricism is I was able to write a song that really, I feel, allowed me to get the closure I never got after my loss in September 2006 (I'll tell ya, it was REALLY hard to get through it when I was recording it).

Some time last week, I was sitting on my couch just messing around on a guitar when something seemed to sink in for me and I had to ask myself: What am I doing this for?
To be honest, I've been pretty envious whenever I hear about all these people I know and the bands they're in. Or when I hear a bout a band making it to the big time... but they suck. It's all been making me wonder how me, a guy with no band and no connections, would be able to get his stuff out there for people to hear. Okay, I could get a Myspace page or I could be a Youtuber and people would comment and make me feel good about myself (or not... or just post spam). But that just wouldn't really do for me.
I've stated before how I know that I absolutely must do something creative and make a career out of it (that's why I quit my job and am going back to school). It'd be real nice for people to hear and/ or watch me perform my songs and, at the same time, I'd rake in the dough. However, I have other reasons besides money for choosing such a career path. Most prominent reason of all: nothing, and I mean NOTHING, compares to being on a stage. Out there in the spotlight, every ounce of energy you try to give away as the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play. And all the people in the crowd have come to see and hear you perform and they sing along and they cheer... it's a satisfying experience unlike any other... and I miss it.

Since, I came upon this thought, I seem to have stifled my creative juices. I figure, what's the point of it all? Why am I doing this? As an outlet for myself, yeah that's great. But is that all it is? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have this outlet available to me... but for a person like me, I need it to be something more. But how far can I take it? Even if I push myself to my extremes to achieve such a status, be as a musician, an author, an actor, a director, or whatever, would I make the cut.
I'm pretty discouraged right now... and, honestly, a little scared.

"Perfect Situation"

"Tell me there's a logic out there
leading me to better prepare
for the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me
I don't want to be lonely
for the rest of my days on the earth."

It's been just a bit over a week since my last day at work and I've been living footloose and fancy-free. Let me tell ya, I never knew a person could chill so hard, but I have been pushing the "chilling" envelope to the edge over the last few days. In other words: I have quite enjoyed the R&R this past week. Now though I am plagued by the (currently) minor problem of no longer having a steady cash-flow, I've still got past problems to deal with.
Thinking about it now, I don't know if it qualifies as a problem. I suppose it's more like an undesired state-of-being. And what state is that? Why, it's the state of being single... and I'm the bloody governor!

Over the last few months, I've thrust my self onto the road to recovery from depression and have made leaps towards improving my quality of life. Let's recap what I've covered so far: I've applied to school (what a bloody hassle!), I speak to my dad (sorta... sometimes... it's better than nothing!), I quit my job (oh, yeah!), I got my house back (OH, YEAH!), I've (nearly) paid off my debts...I can't really think of the rest right now. In any case, I feel I've been making a decent effort in fighting my depression.
This is not to say I don't slip into super-depressed mode anymore. More times than I care to admit, I find myself sitting in my living room in the dark just staring out into space feeling more than a little glum.
As I sit alone on my couch, my mind somehow wanders toward me resting on the couch snuggling or even having my arm around a special girl. Just the two of us, sitting and watching T.V. Or perhaps, we'd just sit and talk about who-the-hell-cares-what. Then again, we might just sit there doing nothing... nothing but enjoying the other's company.
During some part of my day, I try to go for a walk (alone, of course). Throughout the course of my aimless venture, I see the inevitable hoards of couples walking about. Flaunting their togetherness in a manner that screams to me "don't you wish you had this?" The truth is I do. Though I do often enjoy the solitude walking alone affords me, when you're being swamped couples at every turn, it can kind of pick at you. I fight the feeling but soon what was supposed to be a nice enjoyable walk turns into me feeling sorry for myself.

My single status is nothing new a foreign to me. Neither is loneliness. What I've been contemplating as of late, however, are the missed opportunities. Opportunities to perhaps find some lasting female companionship. Now, I know I'm not what the sane would call "hot stuff", but I like to think that girls might be able to do worse than me. That being said, I haven't exactly been overwhelmed with situations in which I might be able to go from "single" to "in a relationship".
The instances that have arisen, however, have mostly been thwarted by my poor self-esteem and poor record when it comes to asking girls out. For these, I kick myself. There have been a few cases in which poor-self esteem wasn't the chief reason for failure. One example could be that quadrilateral-crush case I'm stuck in. I can't win in that situation because A) I've most likely been friend-zoned, B) other friends are involved, and C) my accursed rule of thumb: don't ask out friends. There is a minute number of cases in which I didn't realize an opportunity had presented itself to me and/ or was too distracted by something. Also, there is a small handful of cases that I credit to me "scaring girls away" (not from being weird or stalking or anything... I'm just myself and never ever see them again
Then again, 90% of these situations I've just covered have been involving girls I probably would not like to date. I'm sure they are very nice people and I'm not very picky when it comes to looks (I believe that 95% of all women in the world can look beautiful in their own way without drastically changing themselves... I say 95% because, it's true, there are ugly women). The thing is though, they aren't my kind of girl.
I seem to be attracted to the wholesome yet flirty (though not overtly) ones. A girl who likes to have fun but not party to excess. At the same time she'd enjoy a nice quite night at home or a walk through the city. She'd wouldn't be overly materialistic, demanding all sorts of trivialities (or be mad at me if I don't get what she wants), but she'd let me spoil her and even stop me if I were to shower her with too many gifts. She'd have tons to teach me and there'd be a lot for me to teach her. She wouldn't be perfect by any means... but she'd be perfect for me.
Bah! Pipe dreams!

In any case, I shall keep a keener eye out for situations that present themselves. I shall swallow my lack of pride and take a few leaps of faith every now and then. What's a few bruises to my all-too-humble ego anyways. After all... what have I got to lose? I'm already alone.

"The Times They Are A-Changin'"

"Come writers and critics who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide, the chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon for the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who that it's namin'.
For the loser now will be later to win..."

This year has already been a big year for me. I've made quite a few changes to my life. Some changes, both good and bad, have come about without my prevocation. Even so, I'm still having trouble finding my center. I've done some hard thinking lately and I've decided my life could use a bit more change of scenery.

I've found that as we go through life, we are granted certain situations and experiences that eventually lead us to fall into some sort of groove by which we live our lives. Sometimes, if we're lucky, we fall into a groove that allows us to reach a greater depth of our potential than some. Others may find themselves just scraping by in life with no real direction or drive; a dead end. Then you've got everyone else in-between to fill the spectrum. No matter who we are though, we somehow find ourselves, more or less, "comfortable" with our lives. When this happens, unless you're on the lucky end of the spectrum, our groove seems to turn into a rut.
We end up seeing only the things that are involved with our lives and we have difficulty seeing past that. We're trapped in a box that encompasses everything that makes up our lives. Yes, we seem to have everything we need to sustain us, but we know, if we take a look at ourselves, that we hold within us such grand potential. Then, if we dare to glimpse outside our box, we see the ability to perhaps realize our potential and maybe more.
But it's not all green-grass-on-the-other-side that we see. The future is always blurry and we can never truly plan out our journey through life. Taking a peek into the unknown, we see exactly that: uncertainty. We see a world different from our own. Though it varies to certain degrees for everyone, one thing is constant: we see that in order to achieve our potential and fulfill our dreams (to whatever extent), we need to step outside our comfort zone and into the unknown.

I've known for a fairly long time that I can't work a 9-to-5 job for the rest of my life; that I have to express myself creatively. I often tell people to find jobs that they at least enjoy to a certain degree. Yet here I am, a hypocrite working a 9-to-5 job I which I dislike-borderline-hate. I've already applied for school (creative writing and/ or acting) and I previously stated that I would be leaving the company in September. However, I've recently recinded that statement... and have chosen to leave much, much earlier.
It was not a terribly easy decision to make. I mean, I have a steady, full-time job and, what with this recession going on and all, I figure that's quite a blessing (not to mention meeting a shiny girl I've taken quite a liking to). Sure, I've seriously lost touch with my creative side and I've recently sacrificed a lot of quality time with those I Love and I don't feel very fulfilled at all... but at least I have this job, right? It's safe... It's comfortable...
I need to get out now before I get too comfortable here in this job. Otherwise, I will never know what I might be able to achieve. With several plans in mind between now and September, maybe I'll be able to rediscover myself. Ignite the creative juices and passion of days-gone-by... and maybe, just maybe, bring a project or two to fruition.
Those things aside, another contributing reason for leaving is the fact that I've spent such a year of my "youth" miserable in an office doing something I don't really want to do. I want to make some worthwhile memories before I get carted off to school and have no time for anything. The example I told my boss when I told him was leaving was this: Maybe I meet up with some old friends maybe ten years down the road and we all reminisce. My friends would say things like "Hey, remember that time we all got wasted and went streaking and then we woke and didn't know where we were or why we were naked?" or "Remember that time we went on that road trip to see Taylor Swift because she didn't put Vancouver on her list of stops on her tour?" or Remember that time we made that home-made movie and it got really popular on the internet?" Then I'd say "Remember that time I worked 13 hours a day or when I had to go to work at 1 in the morning to scold my graveyard staff? HAHAHA!!!" Then you would hear the cricket noise in the background.

I'm surely thankful that I've been given the oppurtunities that have been presented to me at while working with this company and at this site. I've spent a whopping 6 years with this company at this site and in that space of time, I've moved from grunt to supervisor to head supervisor to asst. manager (though my pay rate didn't quite make that many jumps up). Along the way, I've gained valuable leadership skills and experience that I've been able to apply to my life outside of work. It's definitely been rewarding and I should consider myself lucky by all accounts. In fact, if it were anybody but me, I'm sure that would be the case. But this job isn't for me. I feel so very weathered and worn yet I don't feel that my potential has been tapped into at all. In fact, I feel that it's been stifled and that I've sacrificed myself for the good of this company. One of my goals is to take care of myself more. I've always put other people before me so much that my own needs and wants have taken a definite tertiary priority to others. In order to move towards this goal, I need to break away from this job.
I can't remember what it's like not to have a job and I've always had a constant cash flow. To tell the truth, I'm a little bit scared of not having that anymore. I've already applied for an extras casting agency so hopefully I can scoop up some pocket money (along with film-set experience) with that. But I will certainly be missing the cash flow.
Aside from that, the thing I'm going to be missing most are the people. Not so much the other people in the administration; most of them barely care to acknowledge me and couldn't care less about me (except a select few... and the receptionist at the old building... have I mentioned I've taken a shine to her yet?). It's the workers I'm going to miss the most. Working class heroes, all of them. Sure we've had a small handful are bad apples and more than a few seem to have a few screws loose. Still, I've worked with many of them since the started. Some of them I've known since they were n00bs and watched them blossom into competent supervisors. All of them have earned my respect and I am dead serious when I say that I will miss them dearly.

Come April 22nd I reach the end of an era for myself. It feels very strange... like when I knew that I was edging closer and closer to graduation. I feel relieved; stressed; anxious; scared; excited; hopeful; unsure. All rolled into one emotion (Relanxiouscarxcitunsuressedopeful?)! Yet, as I come to the end of this chapter of my life, despite all the uncertainty, I am fairly certain that this is a good move for me. And... that void of uncertainty that lies beyond my comfort zone... maybe it does hold some promise for me and if it does... I'm gonna go out and get it!

"Something Stupid"

"I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late and I'm alone with you
The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red and, oh, the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all..."

Work has been busy, what with the new convention center opening and all. I've been working far too much for my paygrade; I think I raked in more than 100 hours last pay period. In the midst of all the bollocks I've been dealing with at work (including my boss raving and ranting at me to vent his frustration) I've had very little time to myself. Hell, I have actually missed two full episodes of "24" in the last couple of weeks! What the eff?! Yet, despite all the hustle and bustle and bleakness work brought me, I still managed to find a ray of sunshine in each work day... and she sits at the receptionist's desk.

They say that the most common places to meet someone and develop a relationship are school and work. This is due to the constant repeated interaction with the same or similar groups of people on a day to day basis. Also, you and the others in these groups share common goals (ie: in the workplace, getting the project done before the deadline... in school, uhm... I guess same thing, except in a classroom). These professional (or academic) commanalities lead us to interact with each other more closely than we would with people we, say, see on the bus on a daily basis. This closer interaction often eventually leads to discovering, comparing, and contrasting the personalities of others and sometimes, if that person is the appropriate gender we are attracted to, it can lead to a little bit puppy love.
(Then again, sometimes people are just horny and all they have to do is take a look at someone and decide they want to bang them. nothing more, nothing less.)
Now, I'm not currently enrolled in school so that rules out the first option and considering I'm the youngest person in the office and the next person my senior would be about late twentys (and he's a guy), I'd think I'm pretty well out of luck. So, why don't I try a few bars or clubs. Well, those aren't really my scene and I can't really imagine meeting someone I can really connect with at either of those places. Now, it looks like all that's left for me is to be set up by my friends... and I don't think anyone's gone to great lengths to do so (if at all). Not that it'd matter: I'd be a bit more worried than usual about jumping into a relationship my friends helped me get, due to the fact that I wouldn't want my friends to choose between me and their other friend if things went sour.

But then along comes this temp. I remember it was about 3 weeks ago, and I noticed the regular receptionist wasn't at the desk and I needed to have something faxed (the fax machine in engineering is crap). I introduced myself and welcomed her aboard and she appeared a decent enough gal, if not a little cold towards me. I thought it best to avoid her.
That didn't work out so well considering I still had a lot of things to fax throughout that week. On about my 3rd trip to the her desk I thought "what the hell, why not make a little small-talk. Maybe she's not as cold as I thought?" So, as I was watching the fax machine eat up my documents and spit them back out onto the little tray, I decided to ask how her day was going. It turned into very formal, very scripted small-talk. We were interrupted by the fax machine's mournful whine of having to dial the destination. I collected my things and bid her good day. As I did, she flashed me a smile and a twinkle from her eyes.
Now, some men are ass-men: they are primarily attracted to rear-ends of women. Others are most fond of breasts and conclude that the larger a woman's breasts are, the better. Some like feet and I don't know why. I, however, love the eyes. Don't get me wrong, I can admire breasts and buttocks on a women as respectfully as the word "respectfully" will allow (I'm not turned on by feet though...) but it's the eyes that get me hooked and the eyes I keep staring at when I'm talking to a girl (it's a bit strange, but I tend not to look at guys' eyes when I don't know them or they aren't a client at work... it feels like I'm, I don't know, staring at their crotch or something).
That smile and twinkle in her eyes, it made me happy. I couldn't help but smile back (really smile, not fake-smile). I knew I'd broken a wall and it was a bit of a deal for me. One, because people tend to ignore me at work and pretend like I'm not there. When I walk towards people, they look down at the ground at a very steep angle or whip out their blackberrys or something to keep them distracted. ANYTHING to keep from acknowledging my existence. She didn't ignore me; she smiled at me... I'd made a friend at the office. The second thing is that pretty girls don't smile at me unless they need something and their eyes definitely don't twinkle in my direction... and I think she is pretty.
But that's it: I just thought she was pretty and kind, seeing as that she was willing to acknowledge my existence and possibly my efforts to be friendly. I know my fair share of girls who are pretty and kind. It's not a big deal.

As days passed, I had to fax things less and less. My visits to her desk began wane. And it was just as I was starting to have more casual conversations with her too. She was quite fun to alk with; not awkward at all. I found myself missing her and always looking for an opportunity to pass by her desk if just to say "hi". Can you blame me though? She was one of the only people in the office who actually makes me feel okay with just being me, straight up.
Then convention center public opening day arrived; the day we'd all been both dreading and awaiting anxiously. She told me that she'd be working as a volunteer at the new building on that day. I'm not sure if she actually did because I scoured the whole damn building and did not see her once. It was such a bloody busy day too. All I really wanted was a friendly face I could stop and chat with for but a few moments... a few moments to give me more than enough strength to get through the day.
I got home and plopped on my couch, tired from exhaustion. That's when it finally hit me. Then again, perhaps that was when I admitted it to myself. I don't know. Either way, I knew for certain... that I was quite infatuated with her.

Believe it or not, "Never Gonna Give You Up" was one conversation piece that helped us bond initially.

I know I said I was crushing on another girl in the last post, but this is different! The girl previously mentioned is a friend of mine, and thus, would never make a move on her (read the bloody post for more details). This girl at work, however, is a friend BUT... is not so close of a friend that she is in the dreaded "friend zone". I could ask her out and not worry about ruining a dear friendship. I consulted my a few friends of mine on this and they convinced me to go for it. One of them also reminded me that she wouldn't be around much longer because she's a temp (I was beginning to think that was short for "temptation" rather than "temporary"). This meant, that even if things got awkward after I got shot down, I wouldn't have to see her every day and we wouldn't be dodging each other until the end of time (or until I quit/ get fired).
So, since the beginning of this week I've been mustering up the balls to ask her out (it's not easy for me to do so. I have a very weak track record when it comes to asking girls out). In the few instances we've had to chat this week, we've had some good fun and even some extended, extra long conversations just about anything. I really liked that I could make her laugh. Not just the polite laugh I get from most people but really laugh. I like how she can genuinely make me laugh too. I was really getting on her good side and I really wanted to know more about her...

So, today, I oh-so casually asked if she'd like to join me for dinner.
She said "no".

She said she had a class to attend and I immediately branched the subject away from food and its consumption and the thought of us doing that together and dove straight into the subject of what class she was taking. Then, I quickly, if not awkwardly, left for the evening and now, after a little bit of sulking, I'm sitting here writing this garbage.
Yes, I know she said that she had plans but still... even if she didn't I can't help but think that I just made things really awkward between us. Even if she didn't have plans, I bet she'd still just tell me "maybe some other time... after I don't work here anymore and I'm far far away from you". Yes, I know that's just my low(er) self-esteem talking, I'm sure. Even though I know that, I can't help but feel just a little blue.

Dammit! Why do I have to be such a bloody hopeless romantic?!

"Crushcrushcrush"

"Nothing compares to
A quiet evening alone

Just the one, two of us

Who's counting on

That never happens

I guess I'm dreaming again"

So, I'm kinda mad at myself right now. Yet, at the same time, I'm not. Now, anyone reading this might be thinking "What the eff? Start making some sense, man!" Well, I'll certainly do my best to clear that up.

Things have been a bit rough lately. I mean, I'm not talking to my dad (yet again), I've had a little financial set-back (nothing I can't recover from though), and most recently, I've been working really long hours at work (about 10 - 11 hours a day... plus I worked last weekend). Yet, amidst all these things, my mind still manages to find time to wander to subjects completely off the grid. I find it quite a wonder, actually, that I can even find the time to have a crush on someone.

(Now, to anyone reading this, don't go saying I'm cheating on Taylor. Yes, Taylor Swift is awesome and I've no doubt that if I met her, I would ask her to dinner. But, I do believe I've mentioned before that we are not actually married (not that I would complain if we were). And, besides, she doesn't even know I exist and, until she does, I'm free to have whatever crushes want!)

I mentioned earlier this year that there was a little bit of a nasty crush-triangle thingy happening between a few friends of mine. Well, apparently, there isn't three people involved. In fact, I believe there might be four people involved, making it a love-triangular pyramid. In case, you haven't figured it out yet, that fourth person is me.

Just to be clear, I call it a love-triangular pyramid because there are three vertices at the base (us guys) yet they all converge on a single point at the "top" (the girl).

Yup, it sucks! It's not that I haven't had any crushes since my loss two and a half years ago. I've had a fair share of them actually. But this is a particularly prickly situation, because a) the girl is a good friend of mine and b) two of my friends are also passively vying for her affection.

I've already decided though that I'm not going to make a move. Mainly because of my oft-professed credo: "thou shalt not ask thine friends out." In this case though, There are the added factors of my two guy-friends, both of which I am rather close with. These factors added together make going forward with this crush a bad, bad thing. So I won't.
Sometimes, it seems as if I hurt myself on purpose when I talk to her, online or whatever. We get along just fine and she's great company and conversation. We actually click quite well. Of course that means nothing; I've learned from past experiences that just because you're attracted to someone you click with, doesn't mean they'll like you back. That there would be the story (or at least an entire chapter) of my life. In any case, we get along more than well enough. But that isn't the half of it. She's fairly mature. I don't want to say for her age because there are many people who are probably about as mature as her... but they are vastly outnumbered by those who are far too immature and irresponsible for their age. Not only can we have a fun, goofy, conversation with each other, but we can touch down on deeper matters; things many people don't often fair too well with (thankfully, I have a few friends who can talk about such matters). And I find her quite cute.

Yes, if I could choose one person in my life to be with, I would probably choose her. Then again, of course, I don't think I will. I could never move in on a girl when my other friends have confessed to me (separately and secretly) that they are crushing on the same girl. In my experiences, I've found that trust and true friends are a precious and rare things in this world. Truth be told, I'd rather have three really good friends whom I share trust with than to risk having one possibly good romantic relationship and potentially lose the trust of two good friends. If the choice is mine, and it appears it may be, I will keep this to myself.

But it still kinda sucks...

To my knowledge, Taylor's "Fearless Tour" is not stopping by in Vancouver. *pout*

PS: Taylor Swift, if you're reading this and you decide to add a Vancouver date to your "Fearless Tour", I was wondering if maybe, I don't know... you'd like to go to dinner or something?

"More Than Words"

All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go

Earlier in the evening, I went walking and found myself pondering my relationship with others. My mind wandered from my friends to my family and back and forth. I found myself in a familiar state of mind, thinking the kind of thoughts that people tell you, either because it's the "appropriate" answer or because they are genuinely concerned, "don't think that way": The thought that my significance in others' lives is not significant at all; that I wouldn't be terribly missed.
Now, in the few discussions in which this subject came up, I've always been told that I would be missed. Okay, so perhaps I'm a bit drastic when I say nobody would miss me. Realistically, there would be a handful of people who would genuinely miss me, even cry because I was gone and, perhaps, even attend my funeral.
However, I often feel I play a secondary role and often a tertiary one in the lives of others. I only come to prominence when I'm needed; when my skills (or, more often, my things) are key to their success. Not that I feel used. In fact, it makes me happy to aid and to serve those whom I care about.
Why is that? Mostly, it's because I enjoy making others happy. In effect, it is also because I don't like to see those I care about unhappy or unwell when I have the ability to prevent it. Another, somewhat secret, reason I do so is because, in that time that my skills or affects are needed, so I too am needed.
I have been living off the thanks of others for my services... but their gratitude often feels like scraps of the love and affection I so crave. I've been living off these scraps and each bit reminds of what it's like to be loved. I say it this way because it has been a long time since anyone has considered me an important aspect in their present. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was hugged (besides in ritual greeting or parting) or the last time anyone told me they loved me. (It's funny; I realized this long ago, but as I'm writing it right now, I find myself tearing as if it were a recent realization). I do remember the last time anyone kissed me... that was two and a half years ago.
However long it's been since I've received any of the aforementioned "gifts", that's how long it's been since I've done these actions myself. In all honesty though, I don't feel like I'm allowed to. It's foolish, I know, but it seems that I take such an insignificant position in people's lives that it would be awkward. Awkward to have someone ranked so lowly (in my mind, at least) tell them they love them, be it verbally or in the form of a hug.
These were the thoughts I had while walking earlier. When I got home, maybe it was an hour or so ago, I sat on my couch and stared out into space, my thoughts drifting. Drifting towards thoughts of my hopelessness towards a romantic relationship for myself. A thought came to mind. Again, something I've thought of before but I don't believe I've ever written it down. All the thoughts of not being told I was loved since forever came together to form something of a credo; a view on love I've never voiced before.

I know there are some that read my blog. It is for you them that the next section has been written as a sort of monologue to performed or recited for an audience:

As we live our lives, coming into contact with all manners of people, we develop our own ideas and opinions concerning the people we interact with the most. There are a select handful that you will find yourself, in one way or another, Loving. However, there is a fair chance that you will develop a feeling so unique and powerful towards a single significant other person, that you'll know you want nothing more than to devote your life towards Loving them and whatever that might entail. If you happen to find yourself in this situation, I ask only these things of you:
If you Love them, tell them. Say the words "I Love you". If you Love them, show them. Let them see your Love in your actions.
Say "I Love you" because you it's true; do not let it fall merely into routine and routine only. Say "I Love you" because they need to hear it; if you don't believe me, look into their eyes when you say it. If you are sincere, even before they can respond with words, their eyes will tell you that those were the words they wanted to hear; the words they needed to hear. Say "I Love you" because you can. Never forget that of all the people in all the world, the person who stands before you stands faithfully by your side when they could have chosen anybody else.
Show them your Love to exhibit that your words are not hollow. Show them your Love because words, as powerful as they can be, can only say so much by themselves. Show them your Love because, of all the people in all the world, the person who stands before you stands faithfully by your side when they could have chosen anybody else.
Never forget that it is an honor to be able to say these words with sincerity to another. If you are given such an honor, consider your luck and know that there are those in this world who are not so lucky; those who wish they could tell another that they Love them and not worry that the feeling might not be reciprocated. Think of them and and the luck which you've happened upon.
And once you've got it, never let it go.