"Crushcrushcrush"

"Nothing compares to
A quiet evening alone

Just the one, two of us

Who's counting on

That never happens

I guess I'm dreaming again"

So, I'm kinda mad at myself right now. Yet, at the same time, I'm not. Now, anyone reading this might be thinking "What the eff? Start making some sense, man!" Well, I'll certainly do my best to clear that up.

Things have been a bit rough lately. I mean, I'm not talking to my dad (yet again), I've had a little financial set-back (nothing I can't recover from though), and most recently, I've been working really long hours at work (about 10 - 11 hours a day... plus I worked last weekend). Yet, amidst all these things, my mind still manages to find time to wander to subjects completely off the grid. I find it quite a wonder, actually, that I can even find the time to have a crush on someone.

(Now, to anyone reading this, don't go saying I'm cheating on Taylor. Yes, Taylor Swift is awesome and I've no doubt that if I met her, I would ask her to dinner. But, I do believe I've mentioned before that we are not actually married (not that I would complain if we were). And, besides, she doesn't even know I exist and, until she does, I'm free to have whatever crushes want!)

I mentioned earlier this year that there was a little bit of a nasty crush-triangle thingy happening between a few friends of mine. Well, apparently, there isn't three people involved. In fact, I believe there might be four people involved, making it a love-triangular pyramid. In case, you haven't figured it out yet, that fourth person is me.

Just to be clear, I call it a love-triangular pyramid because there are three vertices at the base (us guys) yet they all converge on a single point at the "top" (the girl).

Yup, it sucks! It's not that I haven't had any crushes since my loss two and a half years ago. I've had a fair share of them actually. But this is a particularly prickly situation, because a) the girl is a good friend of mine and b) two of my friends are also passively vying for her affection.

I've already decided though that I'm not going to make a move. Mainly because of my oft-professed credo: "thou shalt not ask thine friends out." In this case though, There are the added factors of my two guy-friends, both of which I am rather close with. These factors added together make going forward with this crush a bad, bad thing. So I won't.
Sometimes, it seems as if I hurt myself on purpose when I talk to her, online or whatever. We get along just fine and she's great company and conversation. We actually click quite well. Of course that means nothing; I've learned from past experiences that just because you're attracted to someone you click with, doesn't mean they'll like you back. That there would be the story (or at least an entire chapter) of my life. In any case, we get along more than well enough. But that isn't the half of it. She's fairly mature. I don't want to say for her age because there are many people who are probably about as mature as her... but they are vastly outnumbered by those who are far too immature and irresponsible for their age. Not only can we have a fun, goofy, conversation with each other, but we can touch down on deeper matters; things many people don't often fair too well with (thankfully, I have a few friends who can talk about such matters). And I find her quite cute.

Yes, if I could choose one person in my life to be with, I would probably choose her. Then again, of course, I don't think I will. I could never move in on a girl when my other friends have confessed to me (separately and secretly) that they are crushing on the same girl. In my experiences, I've found that trust and true friends are a precious and rare things in this world. Truth be told, I'd rather have three really good friends whom I share trust with than to risk having one possibly good romantic relationship and potentially lose the trust of two good friends. If the choice is mine, and it appears it may be, I will keep this to myself.

But it still kinda sucks...

To my knowledge, Taylor's "Fearless Tour" is not stopping by in Vancouver. *pout*

PS: Taylor Swift, if you're reading this and you decide to add a Vancouver date to your "Fearless Tour", I was wondering if maybe, I don't know... you'd like to go to dinner or something?

"More Than Words"

All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go

Earlier in the evening, I went walking and found myself pondering my relationship with others. My mind wandered from my friends to my family and back and forth. I found myself in a familiar state of mind, thinking the kind of thoughts that people tell you, either because it's the "appropriate" answer or because they are genuinely concerned, "don't think that way": The thought that my significance in others' lives is not significant at all; that I wouldn't be terribly missed.
Now, in the few discussions in which this subject came up, I've always been told that I would be missed. Okay, so perhaps I'm a bit drastic when I say nobody would miss me. Realistically, there would be a handful of people who would genuinely miss me, even cry because I was gone and, perhaps, even attend my funeral.
However, I often feel I play a secondary role and often a tertiary one in the lives of others. I only come to prominence when I'm needed; when my skills (or, more often, my things) are key to their success. Not that I feel used. In fact, it makes me happy to aid and to serve those whom I care about.
Why is that? Mostly, it's because I enjoy making others happy. In effect, it is also because I don't like to see those I care about unhappy or unwell when I have the ability to prevent it. Another, somewhat secret, reason I do so is because, in that time that my skills or affects are needed, so I too am needed.
I have been living off the thanks of others for my services... but their gratitude often feels like scraps of the love and affection I so crave. I've been living off these scraps and each bit reminds of what it's like to be loved. I say it this way because it has been a long time since anyone has considered me an important aspect in their present. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was hugged (besides in ritual greeting or parting) or the last time anyone told me they loved me. (It's funny; I realized this long ago, but as I'm writing it right now, I find myself tearing as if it were a recent realization). I do remember the last time anyone kissed me... that was two and a half years ago.
However long it's been since I've received any of the aforementioned "gifts", that's how long it's been since I've done these actions myself. In all honesty though, I don't feel like I'm allowed to. It's foolish, I know, but it seems that I take such an insignificant position in people's lives that it would be awkward. Awkward to have someone ranked so lowly (in my mind, at least) tell them they love them, be it verbally or in the form of a hug.
These were the thoughts I had while walking earlier. When I got home, maybe it was an hour or so ago, I sat on my couch and stared out into space, my thoughts drifting. Drifting towards thoughts of my hopelessness towards a romantic relationship for myself. A thought came to mind. Again, something I've thought of before but I don't believe I've ever written it down. All the thoughts of not being told I was loved since forever came together to form something of a credo; a view on love I've never voiced before.

I know there are some that read my blog. It is for you them that the next section has been written as a sort of monologue to performed or recited for an audience:

As we live our lives, coming into contact with all manners of people, we develop our own ideas and opinions concerning the people we interact with the most. There are a select handful that you will find yourself, in one way or another, Loving. However, there is a fair chance that you will develop a feeling so unique and powerful towards a single significant other person, that you'll know you want nothing more than to devote your life towards Loving them and whatever that might entail. If you happen to find yourself in this situation, I ask only these things of you:
If you Love them, tell them. Say the words "I Love you". If you Love them, show them. Let them see your Love in your actions.
Say "I Love you" because you it's true; do not let it fall merely into routine and routine only. Say "I Love you" because they need to hear it; if you don't believe me, look into their eyes when you say it. If you are sincere, even before they can respond with words, their eyes will tell you that those were the words they wanted to hear; the words they needed to hear. Say "I Love you" because you can. Never forget that of all the people in all the world, the person who stands before you stands faithfully by your side when they could have chosen anybody else.
Show them your Love to exhibit that your words are not hollow. Show them your Love because words, as powerful as they can be, can only say so much by themselves. Show them your Love because, of all the people in all the world, the person who stands before you stands faithfully by your side when they could have chosen anybody else.
Never forget that it is an honor to be able to say these words with sincerity to another. If you are given such an honor, consider your luck and know that there are those in this world who are not so lucky; those who wish they could tell another that they Love them and not worry that the feeling might not be reciprocated. Think of them and and the luck which you've happened upon.
And once you've got it, never let it go.

"Best Of You"

"I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse"

It's strange: we come to expect things from people; expect them to follow a regular pattern of behaviour. Sometimes, when this pattern of behaviour has negative effects on others, you think and hope that maybe the pattern will not repeat itself. Yet when it does, we can't help but feel just a little bit surprised.

The feel-goods I was going through we're beginning to wear a bit thin nearing the closing of last month. I was left with only my reality and the determination to shape my future as best as I could into what I might hope it could be. I was glad that things had already been set in motion towards getting myself back together. I mean, I was spending much more frugally (in hopes of getting out of debt), I was talking to my mother a bit more, spending more time with my friends, and I was actually speaking to my dad again. Considering the state my life was in beforehand, I couldn't complain with how things were going.
I suppose I was somehow blinded by how well things were going that I didn't anticipate the next hurdle. Rather, it was the same hurdle I'd come across throughout my 21 years of living.

You can ask anyone who knows him and they'll tell you my dad is a stand-up guy. Yeah, He can be to those who aren't close to him and especially to those who agree with him, be it in interests or lifestyle, etc... That being said, if you disagree with him, he's bound to look at you much differently.
Now, these aren't disagreements that are as clean-cut as say, murder. If you were to say "Oh, I think murder is a rather fanciful past-time", I think anyone in their right mind would look at you a little weird and most likely avoid you or maybe even tell you you're sick as %#$@. However, if you have a perspective on, say, life (and most everyone does) that is disagreeable to my father's, he will tell you that you are wrong. That's right! You're opinion is wrong. Now, it's no big deal if you're not close to him or are bound by family; he'll just keep his thoughts to himself until you're gone and then make sure he rants to someone else about how wrong your opinion is. But if you happen to be, oh I don't know, his son... then you're going to get an earful of bollocks and a whole lot more.

I make a point to respect every one's opinion and views on various things. If someone disagrees with me, no matter how sharply, I won't try to make them see it my way. I might make an effort to show them the sense behind my opinions, but I won't tell them that it is the "right" way.
And I certainly would never try to change a person.
My dad, for God knows how long, has always found a reason to tell me that I need to change. When I was younger, I just thought I was sub-par; less than a good person; epic fail (Thus I developed an inferiority complex). As I grew older and was exposed to more ideas, perspectives, codes of ethics, and so on, I began to form a sense of self. From these different ways and walks of life I began to put together the person I wanted to be. I learned that there isn't one "right" way to live one's life. I was forced to believe that my opinions were useless and wrong at a young age and I remembered how much it hurt... and how much it angered me. I made a conscious decision to make sure I was always open to learning others' opinions and the reasoning behind them; to learn to appreciate the perspectives of everyone. I'll admit, it's not always easy, but I always feel a bit more enriched by understanding other peoples' ways. As a result, I've been able to befriend a wide variety of people. Even though I may not agree with them, I suppose they appreciate that I do not shun them due to our differing opinions.

I suppose I have my father to thank for the way I am now; if not for him, I may not be the person I'm constantly striving to be. They say that the teenage years are the rebellious ones, but instead of going out and getting high, wasted, and joining up with a gang or something, I went and made myself someone different from him and, in the process, became someone I enjoy being. It is a different way of being than his but I am happy with who I am and look forward to what I potentially can be in the future. This makes me wonder, though. Does my dad know who he is. Does he think about the things he says and does and say to himself "This is the person I want to be"? I mean, I have no doubt that he does what he thinks is right (for that, at least, I can give him some credit), but he seems oblivious to the fact that his attitude and closed-mindedness and stubbornness push, not only me, but others in our immediate family, away.
I guess not so much for my mom and my two sisters. They, more or less, are happy with agreeing with my dad. They lack his irritating stubbornness though. Perhaps, that's why I get along a lot better with them. I mean, I can tolerate my mom and my sister is far more open-minded than the both of them (though she is not without her reservations when expressing her opinions, lest ma and pa disagree)

Me and my dad, we've had this waltz going for as long as I can remember: I express a little liberalism and he disagrees and tries to make me feel really shitty about my life choices etc. followed by us not talking (for a few days or, most recently, 4 months), followed by one of us trying to fix it and start clean-slate. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It's an endless cycle.
So, as I stated in previous posts, pappy and I were on almost O.K. terms. Sooooooooo, what's left for him to do? Keep on working to maintain a truce and move towards real peace between us, maybe even develop an actual friendship? No! Of course not! That would break the cycle. Duh! The right answer: He goes and tries to impose his rule over my life trying to mold into him... trying to live through me...

The problem with that is that I don't want to be him. Of all the people I know in this world, he is the last person I want to be similar to. Perhaps I say this with some bias. Perhaps, it is because he has slighted me personally that I despise him so much. I mean, I can actually say that, despite all the good he's done (putting food on the table, keeping a roof over our head, making sure we've got electricity), he is the single most antagonistic person in my life (I could go into detail, but I feel that I'm already being very bitter towards him and I don't want to seriously fan the flames)... and it is because of this I am and have been trying to make myself less like him and more like me.
And so, things are back to how they were... How, it seems, we're meant to be.

I only wish things didn't have to be this way.