"I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse"
It's strange: we come to expect things from people; expect them to follow a regular pattern of behaviour. Sometimes, when this pattern of behaviour has negative effects on others, you think and hope that maybe the pattern will not repeat itself. Yet when it does, we can't help but feel just a little bit surprised.
The feel-goods I was going through we're beginning to wear a bit thin nearing the closing of last month. I was left with only my reality and the determination to shape my future as best as I could into what I might hope it could be. I was glad that things had already been set in motion towards getting myself back together. I mean, I was spending much more frugally (in hopes of getting out of debt), I was talking to my mother a bit more, spending more time with my friends, and I was actually speaking to my dad again. Considering the state my life was in beforehand, I couldn't complain with how things were going.
I suppose I was somehow blinded by how well things were going that I didn't anticipate the next hurdle. Rather, it was the same hurdle I'd come across throughout my 21 years of living.
You can ask anyone who knows him and they'll tell you my dad is a stand-up guy. Yeah, He can be to those who aren't close to him and especially to those who agree with him, be it in interests or lifestyle, etc... That being said, if you disagree with him, he's bound to look at you much differently.
Now, these aren't disagreements that are as clean-cut as say, murder. If you were to say "Oh, I think murder is a rather fanciful past-time", I think anyone in their right mind would look at you a little weird and most likely avoid you or maybe even tell you you're sick as %#$@. However, if you have a perspective on, say, life (and most everyone does) that is disagreeable to my father's, he will tell you that you are wrong. That's right! You're opinion is wrong. Now, it's no big deal if you're not close to him or are bound by family; he'll just keep his thoughts to himself until you're gone and then make sure he rants to someone else about how wrong your opinion is. But if you happen to be, oh I don't know, his son... then you're going to get an earful of bollocks and a whole lot more.
I make a point to respect every one's opinion and views on various things. If someone disagrees with me, no matter how sharply, I won't try to make them see it my way. I might make an effort to show them the sense behind my opinions, but I won't tell them that it is the "right" way.
And I certainly would never try to change a person.
My dad, for God knows how long, has always found a reason to tell me that I need to change. When I was younger, I just thought I was sub-par; less than a good person; epic fail (Thus I developed an inferiority complex). As I grew older and was exposed to more ideas, perspectives, codes of ethics, and so on, I began to form a sense of self. From these different ways and walks of life I began to put together the person I wanted to be. I learned that there isn't one "right" way to live one's life. I was forced to believe that my opinions were useless and wrong at a young age and I remembered how much it hurt... and how much it angered me. I made a conscious decision to make sure I was always open to learning others' opinions and the reasoning behind them; to learn to appreciate the perspectives of everyone. I'll admit, it's not always easy, but I always feel a bit more enriched by understanding other peoples' ways. As a result, I've been able to befriend a wide variety of people. Even though I may not agree with them, I suppose they appreciate that I do not shun them due to our differing opinions.
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse"
It's strange: we come to expect things from people; expect them to follow a regular pattern of behaviour. Sometimes, when this pattern of behaviour has negative effects on others, you think and hope that maybe the pattern will not repeat itself. Yet when it does, we can't help but feel just a little bit surprised.
The feel-goods I was going through we're beginning to wear a bit thin nearing the closing of last month. I was left with only my reality and the determination to shape my future as best as I could into what I might hope it could be. I was glad that things had already been set in motion towards getting myself back together. I mean, I was spending much more frugally (in hopes of getting out of debt), I was talking to my mother a bit more, spending more time with my friends, and I was actually speaking to my dad again. Considering the state my life was in beforehand, I couldn't complain with how things were going.
I suppose I was somehow blinded by how well things were going that I didn't anticipate the next hurdle. Rather, it was the same hurdle I'd come across throughout my 21 years of living.
You can ask anyone who knows him and they'll tell you my dad is a stand-up guy. Yeah, He can be to those who aren't close to him and especially to those who agree with him, be it in interests or lifestyle, etc... That being said, if you disagree with him, he's bound to look at you much differently.
Now, these aren't disagreements that are as clean-cut as say, murder. If you were to say "Oh, I think murder is a rather fanciful past-time", I think anyone in their right mind would look at you a little weird and most likely avoid you or maybe even tell you you're sick as %#$@. However, if you have a perspective on, say, life (and most everyone does) that is disagreeable to my father's, he will tell you that you are wrong. That's right! You're opinion is wrong. Now, it's no big deal if you're not close to him or are bound by family; he'll just keep his thoughts to himself until you're gone and then make sure he rants to someone else about how wrong your opinion is. But if you happen to be, oh I don't know, his son... then you're going to get an earful of bollocks and a whole lot more.
I make a point to respect every one's opinion and views on various things. If someone disagrees with me, no matter how sharply, I won't try to make them see it my way. I might make an effort to show them the sense behind my opinions, but I won't tell them that it is the "right" way.
And I certainly would never try to change a person.
My dad, for God knows how long, has always found a reason to tell me that I need to change. When I was younger, I just thought I was sub-par; less than a good person; epic fail (Thus I developed an inferiority complex). As I grew older and was exposed to more ideas, perspectives, codes of ethics, and so on, I began to form a sense of self. From these different ways and walks of life I began to put together the person I wanted to be. I learned that there isn't one "right" way to live one's life. I was forced to believe that my opinions were useless and wrong at a young age and I remembered how much it hurt... and how much it angered me. I made a conscious decision to make sure I was always open to learning others' opinions and the reasoning behind them; to learn to appreciate the perspectives of everyone. I'll admit, it's not always easy, but I always feel a bit more enriched by understanding other peoples' ways. As a result, I've been able to befriend a wide variety of people. Even though I may not agree with them, I suppose they appreciate that I do not shun them due to our differing opinions.
I guess not so much for my mom and my two sisters. They, more or less, are happy with agreeing with my dad. They lack his irritating stubbornness though. Perhaps, that's why I get along a lot better with them. I mean, I can tolerate my mom and my sister is far more open-minded than the both of them (though she is not without her reservations when expressing her opinions, lest ma and pa disagree)
Me and my dad, we've had this waltz going for as long as I can remember: I express a little liberalism and he disagrees and tries to make me feel really shitty about my life choices etc. followed by us not talking (for a few days or, most recently, 4 months), followed by one of us trying to fix it and start clean-slate. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It's an endless cycle.
So, as I stated in previous posts, pappy and I were on almost O.K. terms. Sooooooooo, what's left for him to do? Keep on working to maintain a truce and move towards real peace between us, maybe even develop an actual friendship? No! Of course not! That would break the cycle. Duh! The right answer: He goes and tries to impose his rule over my life trying to mold into him... trying to live through me...
The problem with that is that I don't want to be him. Of all the people I know in this world, he is the last person I want to be similar to. Perhaps I say this with some bias. Perhaps, it is because he has slighted me personally that I despise him so much. I mean, I can actually say that, despite all the good he's done (putting food on the table, keeping a roof over our head, making sure we've got electricity), he is the single most antagonistic person in my life (I could go into detail, but I feel that I'm already being very bitter towards him and I don't want to seriously fan the flames)... and it is because of this I am and have been trying to make myself less like him and more like me.
And so, things are back to how they were... How, it seems, we're meant to be.
I only wish things didn't have to be this way.
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