"Theme from 'The Terminator'"

"The future is not set; there is no fate but what we make for ourselves"
- Kyle Reese

This May is a pretty big month in terms of media being released. You've got Green Day's album "21st Century Breakdown" due today. Also, season 7 of "24" hits the shelves on DVD and BRD a day after the finale airs. And then, you've got two of the year's much anticipated summer blockbusters: "Star Trek" (which was pretty damn good!) and "Terminator Salvation" (which is due on May 21st).

With these two films (both belonging to franchises I adore), the concept of time plays an important role. In "Star Trek" Jim, Bones, Spock and the rest are thrust into an alternate timeline (set apart from the timeline established by pretty much every episode and every other Star Trek film) due to certain parties traveling back in time, altering the past. In "Terminator Salvation" the future leader of mankind, brought up to believe that certain events are bound to happen, faces a future in which many things he was led to believe have changed due to several people from the "future" traveling back in time and changing the past.

When I heard the title of Green Day's latest album, I thought it might have something to do with me...

These works of fiction depict time as something that can be easily altered and manipulated. In these worlds, one can know the future and act in the present to change that future if they see it fit to do so. Perhaps, they might use the knowledge of future events to prevent undesirable events, be it on a global, galactic, or personal scale.

Unfortunately in the reality we live in, time travel is not (yet) possible. Our future plans are not set in stone, despite our best efforts to prepare for anything that may impede them. We do not have the luxury of knowing what will be standing in the way of our goals. We are not gifted with the foresight allowing us to choose certain courses of action we otherwise might not be privy to (or outright not see) that can mean the difference between success and failure.
For us, our only glimpse into the future is through the past. Through the knowledge of our past experiences and the experiences of others, we try to make the best possible decisions as how to proceed in the present, hoping to reach the goals we've set for ourselves. For us, our goals lie solely in the future. In science-fiction where time-travel is possible, the people involved are sometimes able to travel backwards in time with a goal (which almost always is ultimately altering the past to alter the future). What we have done and what others have done have been cemented in history and unalterable. All we have is our present and a future waiting to be written.
The sooner we realize this, the sooner we understand the true worth of time. Not only the value of our time but the value of our actions and the actions of others around also becomes apparent. My question is this: What happens when, despite all these realizations and your appropriate actions, you still can't see the light in your future?

"Star Trek" and "Terminator Salvation" both heavily rely on elements of timeline manipulation.

It's been a few weeks since I quit my job to try to find my center; to rediscover myself. I knew that if I really focused on doing so, I wasn't going to find the person I was in 2007 before my most serious bout of depression. However, I also wasn't expecting the person I did find.
Over a year and a half ago, I was a optimistic realist (paradox much?). I was brimming with creative energy and a deep thinker. I was a go-to guy when people needed someone to listen or someone to talk to. I was fun and loved having fun. The person I was back then was someone I was happy and proud to be.
With all this time on my hands comes lots of self-reflection. Looking at myself and reading some of my past blog entries, I feel like I've slid so far from who I was. I find myself trying to pick out certain moments I wish I could go back in time and warn myself about. There are times when all I want to do is feel what it was like to be me before the fall.
Everything seems heavier now. Like every step towards my future goals and dreams is a mile longer than I predicted. Like every action I make in the right direction towards bettering myself barely makes a dent when I previously thought it would do so much more. It seems like every time I gain ten yards, the end zone gets moved to the other side of the field.
I find myself wishing I could go back in time and change things. Some days I wish I could go back and tell myself "Hey, don't pick up that guitar. You're too big of a dreamer and you're only setting yourself up for a fall". Other days, I wish I could go back and say to myself "There's no real point in writing all these scripts and doing all this acting stuff! If you're not Caucasian or African, success in these areas is very improbable." Blasphemy the lot of it! In retrospect, I know now that much is true and it was practically a sin to think that way.
The future seems so uncertain to me now. Before, I knew myself and knew what I was capable of and despite knowing what I was up against I had the determination and the courage to pursue my goals. Now... now I feel like I don't know anything worth a damn at all. God knows I've been trying... but it feels like a losing fight.
I don't know if I can get through this on my own, but who am I to turn to? I could use a lucky break, but my kind of luck doesn't exactly fall under what is traditionally labeled "good luck" (not that I believe in luck at all). My past experiences have taught me that miracles do exist, and right now a miracle... something entirely unexpected, unprecedented, and improbable... is the only thing that might be able to make me feel good about myself; grant me some sort of security for my future; show me my dreams and my goals aren't as impossible as I've been leading myself to believe.

Try as we might, no matter how in tune with our inner selves we are, no matter how focused and determined we are to mold our future into our liking, there are always going to be pratfalls and unexplainable hindrances to impede our progression. The way I see it, in general people have two choices: give up on your goals; on the person you want to be... or keep fighting and striving to make your dreams a reality.
Personally though, I only have one option... I've never really been one for giving up.

"Only In Dreams"

"...I'm sitting here, strumming, conveying my fear
that I'm singing the songs that no one will hear."

For the last month or so, I've had quite a spur of creativity in terms of my songwriting. It's strange, I've been creatively stumped in terms of my writing for my novel(s) and scripts (Apparently, a buddy of mine and I are going to make yet another attempt at filming stuff), yet I have had lyrics and melodies pouring out of me more than ever before. I've scrapped about 75% of what I've been coming up with, but it usually paves the way for (what I think is) better material.
It's been a nice, having a creative outlet that simultaneously has revived my guitar-playing (I've barely played in nearly a year). I'm actually coming up with stuff I don't mid sharing with others and, indeed, I have decided to share a few of my original tunes with a very select few. One of the most rewarding things I've taken from this recent flux in creative lyricism is I was able to write a song that really, I feel, allowed me to get the closure I never got after my loss in September 2006 (I'll tell ya, it was REALLY hard to get through it when I was recording it).

Some time last week, I was sitting on my couch just messing around on a guitar when something seemed to sink in for me and I had to ask myself: What am I doing this for?
To be honest, I've been pretty envious whenever I hear about all these people I know and the bands they're in. Or when I hear a bout a band making it to the big time... but they suck. It's all been making me wonder how me, a guy with no band and no connections, would be able to get his stuff out there for people to hear. Okay, I could get a Myspace page or I could be a Youtuber and people would comment and make me feel good about myself (or not... or just post spam). But that just wouldn't really do for me.
I've stated before how I know that I absolutely must do something creative and make a career out of it (that's why I quit my job and am going back to school). It'd be real nice for people to hear and/ or watch me perform my songs and, at the same time, I'd rake in the dough. However, I have other reasons besides money for choosing such a career path. Most prominent reason of all: nothing, and I mean NOTHING, compares to being on a stage. Out there in the spotlight, every ounce of energy you try to give away as the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play. And all the people in the crowd have come to see and hear you perform and they sing along and they cheer... it's a satisfying experience unlike any other... and I miss it.

Since, I came upon this thought, I seem to have stifled my creative juices. I figure, what's the point of it all? Why am I doing this? As an outlet for myself, yeah that's great. But is that all it is? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have this outlet available to me... but for a person like me, I need it to be something more. But how far can I take it? Even if I push myself to my extremes to achieve such a status, be as a musician, an author, an actor, a director, or whatever, would I make the cut.
I'm pretty discouraged right now... and, honestly, a little scared.