"Only In Dreams"

"...I'm sitting here, strumming, conveying my fear
that I'm singing the songs that no one will hear."

For the last month or so, I've had quite a spur of creativity in terms of my songwriting. It's strange, I've been creatively stumped in terms of my writing for my novel(s) and scripts (Apparently, a buddy of mine and I are going to make yet another attempt at filming stuff), yet I have had lyrics and melodies pouring out of me more than ever before. I've scrapped about 75% of what I've been coming up with, but it usually paves the way for (what I think is) better material.
It's been a nice, having a creative outlet that simultaneously has revived my guitar-playing (I've barely played in nearly a year). I'm actually coming up with stuff I don't mid sharing with others and, indeed, I have decided to share a few of my original tunes with a very select few. One of the most rewarding things I've taken from this recent flux in creative lyricism is I was able to write a song that really, I feel, allowed me to get the closure I never got after my loss in September 2006 (I'll tell ya, it was REALLY hard to get through it when I was recording it).

Some time last week, I was sitting on my couch just messing around on a guitar when something seemed to sink in for me and I had to ask myself: What am I doing this for?
To be honest, I've been pretty envious whenever I hear about all these people I know and the bands they're in. Or when I hear a bout a band making it to the big time... but they suck. It's all been making me wonder how me, a guy with no band and no connections, would be able to get his stuff out there for people to hear. Okay, I could get a Myspace page or I could be a Youtuber and people would comment and make me feel good about myself (or not... or just post spam). But that just wouldn't really do for me.
I've stated before how I know that I absolutely must do something creative and make a career out of it (that's why I quit my job and am going back to school). It'd be real nice for people to hear and/ or watch me perform my songs and, at the same time, I'd rake in the dough. However, I have other reasons besides money for choosing such a career path. Most prominent reason of all: nothing, and I mean NOTHING, compares to being on a stage. Out there in the spotlight, every ounce of energy you try to give away as the sweat pours out your body like the music that you play. And all the people in the crowd have come to see and hear you perform and they sing along and they cheer... it's a satisfying experience unlike any other... and I miss it.

Since, I came upon this thought, I seem to have stifled my creative juices. I figure, what's the point of it all? Why am I doing this? As an outlet for myself, yeah that's great. But is that all it is? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have this outlet available to me... but for a person like me, I need it to be something more. But how far can I take it? Even if I push myself to my extremes to achieve such a status, be as a musician, an author, an actor, a director, or whatever, would I make the cut.
I'm pretty discouraged right now... and, honestly, a little scared.