"Tell me there's a logic out there
leading me to better prepare
for the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me
I don't want to be lonely
for the rest of my days on the earth."
It's been just a bit over a week since my last day at work and I've been living footloose and fancy-free. Let me tell ya, I never knew a person could chill so hard, but I have been pushing the "chilling" envelope to the edge over the last few days. In other words: I have quite enjoyed the R&R this past week. Now though I am plagued by the (currently) minor problem of no longer having a steady cash-flow, I've still got past problems to deal with.
Thinking about it now, I don't know if it qualifies as a problem. I suppose it's more like an undesired state-of-being. And what state is that? Why, it's the state of being single... and I'm the bloody governor!
Over the last few months, I've thrust my self onto the road to recovery from depression and have made leaps towards improving my quality of life. Let's recap what I've covered so far: I've applied to school (what a bloody hassle!), I speak to my dad (sorta... sometimes... it's better than nothing!), I quit my job (oh, yeah!), I got my house back (OH, YEAH!), I've (nearly) paid off my debts...I can't really think of the rest right now. In any case, I feel I've been making a decent effort in fighting my depression.
This is not to say I don't slip into super-depressed mode anymore. More times than I care to admit, I find myself sitting in my living room in the dark just staring out into space feeling more than a little glum.
As I sit alone on my couch, my mind somehow wanders toward me resting on the couch snuggling or even having my arm around a special girl. Just the two of us, sitting and watching T.V. Or perhaps, we'd just sit and talk about who-the-hell-cares-what. Then again, we might just sit there doing nothing... nothing but enjoying the other's company.
During some part of my day, I try to go for a walk (alone, of course). Throughout the course of my aimless venture, I see the inevitable hoards of couples walking about. Flaunting their togetherness in a manner that screams to me "don't you wish you had this?" The truth is I do. Though I do often enjoy the solitude walking alone affords me, when you're being swamped couples at every turn, it can kind of pick at you. I fight the feeling but soon what was supposed to be a nice enjoyable walk turns into me feeling sorry for myself.
My single status is nothing new a foreign to me. Neither is loneliness. What I've been contemplating as of late, however, are the missed opportunities. Opportunities to perhaps find some lasting female companionship. Now, I know I'm not what the sane would call "hot stuff", but I like to think that girls might be able to do worse than me. That being said, I haven't exactly been overwhelmed with situations in which I might be able to go from "single" to "in a relationship".
The instances that have arisen, however, have mostly been thwarted by my poor self-esteem and poor record when it comes to asking girls out. For these, I kick myself. There have been a few cases in which poor-self esteem wasn't the chief reason for failure. One example could be that quadrilateral-crush case I'm stuck in. I can't win in that situation because A) I've most likely been friend-zoned, B) other friends are involved, and C) my accursed rule of thumb: don't ask out friends. There is a minute number of cases in which I didn't realize an opportunity had presented itself to me and/ or was too distracted by something. Also, there is a small handful of cases that I credit to me "scaring girls away" (not from being weird or stalking or anything... I'm just myself and never ever see them again
Then again, 90% of these situations I've just covered have been involving girls I probably would not like to date. I'm sure they are very nice people and I'm not very picky when it comes to looks (I believe that 95% of all women in the world can look beautiful in their own way without drastically changing themselves... I say 95% because, it's true, there are ugly women). The thing is though, they aren't my kind of girl.
I seem to be attracted to the wholesome yet flirty (though not overtly) ones. A girl who likes to have fun but not party to excess. At the same time she'd enjoy a nice quite night at home or a walk through the city. She'd wouldn't be overly materialistic, demanding all sorts of trivialities (or be mad at me if I don't get what she wants), but she'd let me spoil her and even stop me if I were to shower her with too many gifts. She'd have tons to teach me and there'd be a lot for me to teach her. She wouldn't be perfect by any means... but she'd be perfect for me.
Bah! Pipe dreams!
In any case, I shall keep a keener eye out for situations that present themselves. I shall swallow my lack of pride and take a few leaps of faith every now and then. What's a few bruises to my all-too-humble ego anyways. After all... what have I got to lose? I'm already alone.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
"The Times They Are A-Changin'"
"Come writers and critics who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide, the chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon for the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who that it's namin'.
For the loser now will be later to win..."
This year has already been a big year for me. I've made quite a few changes to my life. Some changes, both good and bad, have come about without my prevocation. Even so, I'm still having trouble finding my center. I've done some hard thinking lately and I've decided my life could use a bit more change of scenery.
I've found that as we go through life, we are granted certain situations and experiences that eventually lead us to fall into some sort of groove by which we live our lives. Sometimes, if we're lucky, we fall into a groove that allows us to reach a greater depth of our potential than some. Others may find themselves just scraping by in life with no real direction or drive; a dead end. Then you've got everyone else in-between to fill the spectrum. No matter who we are though, we somehow find ourselves, more or less, "comfortable" with our lives. When this happens, unless you're on the lucky end of the spectrum, our groove seems to turn into a rut.
We end up seeing only the things that are involved with our lives and we have difficulty seeing past that. We're trapped in a box that encompasses everything that makes up our lives. Yes, we seem to have everything we need to sustain us, but we know, if we take a look at ourselves, that we hold within us such grand potential. Then, if we dare to glimpse outside our box, we see the ability to perhaps realize our potential and maybe more.
But it's not all green-grass-on-the-other-side that we see. The future is always blurry and we can never truly plan out our journey through life. Taking a peek into the unknown, we see exactly that: uncertainty. We see a world different from our own. Though it varies to certain degrees for everyone, one thing is constant: we see that in order to achieve our potential and fulfill our dreams (to whatever extent), we need to step outside our comfort zone and into the unknown.
I've known for a fairly long time that I can't work a 9-to-5 job for the rest of my life; that I have to express myself creatively. I often tell people to find jobs that they at least enjoy to a certain degree. Yet here I am, a hypocrite working a 9-to-5 job I which I dislike-borderline-hate. I've already applied for school (creative writing and/ or acting) and I previously stated that I would be leaving the company in September. However, I've recently recinded that statement... and have chosen to leave much, much earlier.
It was not a terribly easy decision to make. I mean, I have a steady, full-time job and, what with this recession going on and all, I figure that's quite a blessing (not to mention meeting a shiny girl I've taken quite a liking to). Sure, I've seriously lost touch with my creative side and I've recently sacrificed a lot of quality time with those I Love and I don't feel very fulfilled at all... but at least I have this job, right? It's safe... It's comfortable...
I need to get out now before I get too comfortable here in this job. Otherwise, I will never know what I might be able to achieve. With several plans in mind between now and September, maybe I'll be able to rediscover myself. Ignite the creative juices and passion of days-gone-by... and maybe, just maybe, bring a project or two to fruition.
Those things aside, another contributing reason for leaving is the fact that I've spent such a year of my "youth" miserable in an office doing something I don't really want to do. I want to make some worthwhile memories before I get carted off to school and have no time for anything. The example I told my boss when I told him was leaving was this: Maybe I meet up with some old friends maybe ten years down the road and we all reminisce. My friends would say things like "Hey, remember that time we all got wasted and went streaking and then we woke and didn't know where we were or why we were naked?" or "Remember that time we went on that road trip to see Taylor Swift because she didn't put Vancouver on her list of stops on her tour?" or Remember that time we made that home-made movie and it got really popular on the internet?" Then I'd say "Remember that time I worked 13 hours a day or when I had to go to work at 1 in the morning to scold my graveyard staff? HAHAHA!!!" Then you would hear the cricket noise in the background.
I'm surely thankful that I've been given the oppurtunities that have been presented to me at while working with this company and at this site. I've spent a whopping 6 years with this company at this site and in that space of time, I've moved from grunt to supervisor to head supervisor to asst. manager (though my pay rate didn't quite make that many jumps up). Along the way, I've gained valuable leadership skills and experience that I've been able to apply to my life outside of work. It's definitely been rewarding and I should consider myself lucky by all accounts. In fact, if it were anybody but me, I'm sure that would be the case. But this job isn't for me. I feel so very weathered and worn yet I don't feel that my potential has been tapped into at all. In fact, I feel that it's been stifled and that I've sacrificed myself for the good of this company. One of my goals is to take care of myself more. I've always put other people before me so much that my own needs and wants have taken a definite tertiary priority to others. In order to move towards this goal, I need to break away from this job.
I can't remember what it's like not to have a job and I've always had a constant cash flow. To tell the truth, I'm a little bit scared of not having that anymore. I've already applied for an extras casting agency so hopefully I can scoop up some pocket money (along with film-set experience) with that. But I will certainly be missing the cash flow.
Aside from that, the thing I'm going to be missing most are the people. Not so much the other people in the administration; most of them barely care to acknowledge me and couldn't care less about me (except a select few... and the receptionist at the old building... have I mentioned I've taken a shine to her yet?). It's the workers I'm going to miss the most. Working class heroes, all of them. Sure we've had a small handful are bad apples and more than a few seem to have a few screws loose. Still, I've worked with many of them since the started. Some of them I've known since they were n00bs and watched them blossom into competent supervisors. All of them have earned my respect and I am dead serious when I say that I will miss them dearly.
Come April 22nd I reach the end of an era for myself. It feels very strange... like when I knew that I was edging closer and closer to graduation. I feel relieved; stressed; anxious; scared; excited; hopeful; unsure. All rolled into one emotion (Relanxiouscarxcitunsuressedopeful?)! Yet, as I come to the end of this chapter of my life, despite all the uncertainty, I am fairly certain that this is a good move for me. And... that void of uncertainty that lies beyond my comfort zone... maybe it does hold some promise for me and if it does... I'm gonna go out and get it!
And keep your eyes wide, the chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon for the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who that it's namin'.
For the loser now will be later to win..."
This year has already been a big year for me. I've made quite a few changes to my life. Some changes, both good and bad, have come about without my prevocation. Even so, I'm still having trouble finding my center. I've done some hard thinking lately and I've decided my life could use a bit more change of scenery.
I've found that as we go through life, we are granted certain situations and experiences that eventually lead us to fall into some sort of groove by which we live our lives. Sometimes, if we're lucky, we fall into a groove that allows us to reach a greater depth of our potential than some. Others may find themselves just scraping by in life with no real direction or drive; a dead end. Then you've got everyone else in-between to fill the spectrum. No matter who we are though, we somehow find ourselves, more or less, "comfortable" with our lives. When this happens, unless you're on the lucky end of the spectrum, our groove seems to turn into a rut.
We end up seeing only the things that are involved with our lives and we have difficulty seeing past that. We're trapped in a box that encompasses everything that makes up our lives. Yes, we seem to have everything we need to sustain us, but we know, if we take a look at ourselves, that we hold within us such grand potential. Then, if we dare to glimpse outside our box, we see the ability to perhaps realize our potential and maybe more.
But it's not all green-grass-on-the-other-side that we see. The future is always blurry and we can never truly plan out our journey through life. Taking a peek into the unknown, we see exactly that: uncertainty. We see a world different from our own. Though it varies to certain degrees for everyone, one thing is constant: we see that in order to achieve our potential and fulfill our dreams (to whatever extent), we need to step outside our comfort zone and into the unknown.
I've known for a fairly long time that I can't work a 9-to-5 job for the rest of my life; that I have to express myself creatively. I often tell people to find jobs that they at least enjoy to a certain degree. Yet here I am, a hypocrite working a 9-to-5 job I which I dislike-borderline-hate. I've already applied for school (creative writing and/ or acting) and I previously stated that I would be leaving the company in September. However, I've recently recinded that statement... and have chosen to leave much, much earlier.
It was not a terribly easy decision to make. I mean, I have a steady, full-time job and, what with this recession going on and all, I figure that's quite a blessing (not to mention meeting a shiny girl I've taken quite a liking to). Sure, I've seriously lost touch with my creative side and I've recently sacrificed a lot of quality time with those I Love and I don't feel very fulfilled at all... but at least I have this job, right? It's safe... It's comfortable...
I need to get out now before I get too comfortable here in this job. Otherwise, I will never know what I might be able to achieve. With several plans in mind between now and September, maybe I'll be able to rediscover myself. Ignite the creative juices and passion of days-gone-by... and maybe, just maybe, bring a project or two to fruition.
Those things aside, another contributing reason for leaving is the fact that I've spent such a year of my "youth" miserable in an office doing something I don't really want to do. I want to make some worthwhile memories before I get carted off to school and have no time for anything. The example I told my boss when I told him was leaving was this: Maybe I meet up with some old friends maybe ten years down the road and we all reminisce. My friends would say things like "Hey, remember that time we all got wasted and went streaking and then we woke and didn't know where we were or why we were naked?" or "Remember that time we went on that road trip to see Taylor Swift because she didn't put Vancouver on her list of stops on her tour?" or Remember that time we made that home-made movie and it got really popular on the internet?" Then I'd say "Remember that time I worked 13 hours a day or when I had to go to work at 1 in the morning to scold my graveyard staff? HAHAHA!!!" Then you would hear the cricket noise in the background.
I'm surely thankful that I've been given the oppurtunities that have been presented to me at while working with this company and at this site. I've spent a whopping 6 years with this company at this site and in that space of time, I've moved from grunt to supervisor to head supervisor to asst. manager (though my pay rate didn't quite make that many jumps up). Along the way, I've gained valuable leadership skills and experience that I've been able to apply to my life outside of work. It's definitely been rewarding and I should consider myself lucky by all accounts. In fact, if it were anybody but me, I'm sure that would be the case. But this job isn't for me. I feel so very weathered and worn yet I don't feel that my potential has been tapped into at all. In fact, I feel that it's been stifled and that I've sacrificed myself for the good of this company. One of my goals is to take care of myself more. I've always put other people before me so much that my own needs and wants have taken a definite tertiary priority to others. In order to move towards this goal, I need to break away from this job.
I can't remember what it's like not to have a job and I've always had a constant cash flow. To tell the truth, I'm a little bit scared of not having that anymore. I've already applied for an extras casting agency so hopefully I can scoop up some pocket money (along with film-set experience) with that. But I will certainly be missing the cash flow.
Aside from that, the thing I'm going to be missing most are the people. Not so much the other people in the administration; most of them barely care to acknowledge me and couldn't care less about me (except a select few... and the receptionist at the old building... have I mentioned I've taken a shine to her yet?). It's the workers I'm going to miss the most. Working class heroes, all of them. Sure we've had a small handful are bad apples and more than a few seem to have a few screws loose. Still, I've worked with many of them since the started. Some of them I've known since they were n00bs and watched them blossom into competent supervisors. All of them have earned my respect and I am dead serious when I say that I will miss them dearly.
Come April 22nd I reach the end of an era for myself. It feels very strange... like when I knew that I was edging closer and closer to graduation. I feel relieved; stressed; anxious; scared; excited; hopeful; unsure. All rolled into one emotion (Relanxiouscarxcitunsuressedopeful?)! Yet, as I come to the end of this chapter of my life, despite all the uncertainty, I am fairly certain that this is a good move for me. And... that void of uncertainty that lies beyond my comfort zone... maybe it does hold some promise for me and if it does... I'm gonna go out and get it!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
"Something Stupid"
"I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late and I'm alone with you
The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red and, oh, the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all..."
Work has been busy, what with the new convention center opening and all. I've been working far too much for my paygrade; I think I raked in more than 100 hours last pay period. In the midst of all the bollocks I've been dealing with at work (including my boss raving and ranting at me to vent his frustration) I've had very little time to myself. Hell, I have actually missed two full episodes of "24" in the last couple of weeks! What the eff?! Yet, despite all the hustle and bustle and bleakness work brought me, I still managed to find a ray of sunshine in each work day... and she sits at the receptionist's desk.
They say that the most common places to meet someone and develop a relationship are school and work. This is due to the constant repeated interaction with the same or similar groups of people on a day to day basis. Also, you and the others in these groups share common goals (ie: in the workplace, getting the project done before the deadline... in school, uhm... I guess same thing, except in a classroom). These professional (or academic) commanalities lead us to interact with each other more closely than we would with people we, say, see on the bus on a daily basis. This closer interaction often eventually leads to discovering, comparing, and contrasting the personalities of others and sometimes, if that person is the appropriate gender we are attracted to, it can lead to a little bit puppy love.
(Then again, sometimes people are just horny and all they have to do is take a look at someone and decide they want to bang them. nothing more, nothing less.)
Now, I'm not currently enrolled in school so that rules out the first option and considering I'm the youngest person in the office and the next person my senior would be about late twentys (and he's a guy), I'd think I'm pretty well out of luck. So, why don't I try a few bars or clubs. Well, those aren't really my scene and I can't really imagine meeting someone I can really connect with at either of those places. Now, it looks like all that's left for me is to be set up by my friends... and I don't think anyone's gone to great lengths to do so (if at all). Not that it'd matter: I'd be a bit more worried than usual about jumping into a relationship my friends helped me get, due to the fact that I wouldn't want my friends to choose between me and their other friend if things went sour.
But then along comes this temp. I remember it was about 3 weeks ago, and I noticed the regular receptionist wasn't at the desk and I needed to have something faxed (the fax machine in engineering is crap). I introduced myself and welcomed her aboard and she appeared a decent enough gal, if not a little cold towards me. I thought it best to avoid her.
That didn't work out so well considering I still had a lot of things to fax throughout that week. On about my 3rd trip to the her desk I thought "what the hell, why not make a little small-talk. Maybe she's not as cold as I thought?" So, as I was watching the fax machine eat up my documents and spit them back out onto the little tray, I decided to ask how her day was going. It turned into very formal, very scripted small-talk. We were interrupted by the fax machine's mournful whine of having to dial the destination. I collected my things and bid her good day. As I did, she flashed me a smile and a twinkle from her eyes.
Now, some men are ass-men: they are primarily attracted to rear-ends of women. Others are most fond of breasts and conclude that the larger a woman's breasts are, the better. Some like feet and I don't know why. I, however, love the eyes. Don't get me wrong, I can admire breasts and buttocks on a women as respectfully as the word "respectfully" will allow (I'm not turned on by feet though...) but it's the eyes that get me hooked and the eyes I keep staring at when I'm talking to a girl (it's a bit strange, but I tend not to look at guys' eyes when I don't know them or they aren't a client at work... it feels like I'm, I don't know, staring at their crotch or something).
That smile and twinkle in her eyes, it made me happy. I couldn't help but smile back (really smile, not fake-smile). I knew I'd broken a wall and it was a bit of a deal for me. One, because people tend to ignore me at work and pretend like I'm not there. When I walk towards people, they look down at the ground at a very steep angle or whip out their blackberrys or something to keep them distracted. ANYTHING to keep from acknowledging my existence. She didn't ignore me; she smiled at me... I'd made a friend at the office. The second thing is that pretty girls don't smile at me unless they need something and their eyes definitely don't twinkle in my direction... and I think she is pretty.
But that's it: I just thought she was pretty and kind, seeing as that she was willing to acknowledge my existence and possibly my efforts to be friendly. I know my fair share of girls who are pretty and kind. It's not a big deal.
As days passed, I had to fax things less and less. My visits to her desk began wane. And it was just as I was starting to have more casual conversations with her too. She was quite fun to alk with; not awkward at all. I found myself missing her and always looking for an opportunity to pass by her desk if just to say "hi". Can you blame me though? She was one of the only people in the office who actually makes me feel okay with just being me, straight up.
Then convention center public opening day arrived; the day we'd all been both dreading and awaiting anxiously. She told me that she'd be working as a volunteer at the new building on that day. I'm not sure if she actually did because I scoured the whole damn building and did not see her once. It was such a bloody busy day too. All I really wanted was a friendly face I could stop and chat with for but a few moments... a few moments to give me more than enough strength to get through the day.
I got home and plopped on my couch, tired from exhaustion. That's when it finally hit me. Then again, perhaps that was when I admitted it to myself. I don't know. Either way, I knew for certain... that I was quite infatuated with her.
I know I said I was crushing on another girl in the last post, but this is different! The girl previously mentioned is a friend of mine, and thus, would never make a move on her (read the bloody post for more details). This girl at work, however, is a friend BUT... is not so close of a friend that she is in the dreaded "friend zone". I could ask her out and not worry about ruining a dear friendship. I consulted my a few friends of mine on this and they convinced me to go for it. One of them also reminded me that she wouldn't be around much longer because she's a temp (I was beginning to think that was short for "temptation" rather than "temporary"). This meant, that even if things got awkward after I got shot down, I wouldn't have to see her every day and we wouldn't be dodging each other until the end of time (or until I quit/ get fired).
So, since the beginning of this week I've been mustering up the balls to ask her out (it's not easy for me to do so. I have a very weak track record when it comes to asking girls out). In the few instances we've had to chat this week, we've had some good fun and even some extended, extra long conversations just about anything. I really liked that I could make her laugh. Not just the polite laugh I get from most people but really laugh. I like how she can genuinely make me laugh too. I was really getting on her good side and I really wanted to know more about her...
So, today, I oh-so casually asked if she'd like to join me for dinner.
She said "no".
She said she had a class to attend and I immediately branched the subject away from food and its consumption and the thought of us doing that together and dove straight into the subject of what class she was taking. Then, I quickly, if not awkwardly, left for the evening and now, after a little bit of sulking, I'm sitting here writing this garbage.
Yes, I know she said that she had plans but still... even if she didn't I can't help but think that I just made things really awkward between us. Even if she didn't have plans, I bet she'd still just tell me "maybe some other time... after I don't work here anymore and I'm far far away from you". Yes, I know that's just my low(er) self-esteem talking, I'm sure. Even though I know that, I can't help but feel just a little blue.
Dammit! Why do I have to be such a bloody hopeless romantic?!
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late and I'm alone with you
The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red and, oh, the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all..."
Work has been busy, what with the new convention center opening and all. I've been working far too much for my paygrade; I think I raked in more than 100 hours last pay period. In the midst of all the bollocks I've been dealing with at work (including my boss raving and ranting at me to vent his frustration) I've had very little time to myself. Hell, I have actually missed two full episodes of "24" in the last couple of weeks! What the eff?! Yet, despite all the hustle and bustle and bleakness work brought me, I still managed to find a ray of sunshine in each work day... and she sits at the receptionist's desk.
They say that the most common places to meet someone and develop a relationship are school and work. This is due to the constant repeated interaction with the same or similar groups of people on a day to day basis. Also, you and the others in these groups share common goals (ie: in the workplace, getting the project done before the deadline... in school, uhm... I guess same thing, except in a classroom). These professional (or academic) commanalities lead us to interact with each other more closely than we would with people we, say, see on the bus on a daily basis. This closer interaction often eventually leads to discovering, comparing, and contrasting the personalities of others and sometimes, if that person is the appropriate gender we are attracted to, it can lead to a little bit puppy love.
(Then again, sometimes people are just horny and all they have to do is take a look at someone and decide they want to bang them. nothing more, nothing less.)
Now, I'm not currently enrolled in school so that rules out the first option and considering I'm the youngest person in the office and the next person my senior would be about late twentys (and he's a guy), I'd think I'm pretty well out of luck. So, why don't I try a few bars or clubs. Well, those aren't really my scene and I can't really imagine meeting someone I can really connect with at either of those places. Now, it looks like all that's left for me is to be set up by my friends... and I don't think anyone's gone to great lengths to do so (if at all). Not that it'd matter: I'd be a bit more worried than usual about jumping into a relationship my friends helped me get, due to the fact that I wouldn't want my friends to choose between me and their other friend if things went sour.
But then along comes this temp. I remember it was about 3 weeks ago, and I noticed the regular receptionist wasn't at the desk and I needed to have something faxed (the fax machine in engineering is crap). I introduced myself and welcomed her aboard and she appeared a decent enough gal, if not a little cold towards me. I thought it best to avoid her.
That didn't work out so well considering I still had a lot of things to fax throughout that week. On about my 3rd trip to the her desk I thought "what the hell, why not make a little small-talk. Maybe she's not as cold as I thought?" So, as I was watching the fax machine eat up my documents and spit them back out onto the little tray, I decided to ask how her day was going. It turned into very formal, very scripted small-talk. We were interrupted by the fax machine's mournful whine of having to dial the destination. I collected my things and bid her good day. As I did, she flashed me a smile and a twinkle from her eyes.
Now, some men are ass-men: they are primarily attracted to rear-ends of women. Others are most fond of breasts and conclude that the larger a woman's breasts are, the better. Some like feet and I don't know why. I, however, love the eyes. Don't get me wrong, I can admire breasts and buttocks on a women as respectfully as the word "respectfully" will allow (I'm not turned on by feet though...) but it's the eyes that get me hooked and the eyes I keep staring at when I'm talking to a girl (it's a bit strange, but I tend not to look at guys' eyes when I don't know them or they aren't a client at work... it feels like I'm, I don't know, staring at their crotch or something).
That smile and twinkle in her eyes, it made me happy. I couldn't help but smile back (really smile, not fake-smile). I knew I'd broken a wall and it was a bit of a deal for me. One, because people tend to ignore me at work and pretend like I'm not there. When I walk towards people, they look down at the ground at a very steep angle or whip out their blackberrys or something to keep them distracted. ANYTHING to keep from acknowledging my existence. She didn't ignore me; she smiled at me... I'd made a friend at the office. The second thing is that pretty girls don't smile at me unless they need something and their eyes definitely don't twinkle in my direction... and I think she is pretty.
But that's it: I just thought she was pretty and kind, seeing as that she was willing to acknowledge my existence and possibly my efforts to be friendly. I know my fair share of girls who are pretty and kind. It's not a big deal.
As days passed, I had to fax things less and less. My visits to her desk began wane. And it was just as I was starting to have more casual conversations with her too. She was quite fun to alk with; not awkward at all. I found myself missing her and always looking for an opportunity to pass by her desk if just to say "hi". Can you blame me though? She was one of the only people in the office who actually makes me feel okay with just being me, straight up.
Then convention center public opening day arrived; the day we'd all been both dreading and awaiting anxiously. She told me that she'd be working as a volunteer at the new building on that day. I'm not sure if she actually did because I scoured the whole damn building and did not see her once. It was such a bloody busy day too. All I really wanted was a friendly face I could stop and chat with for but a few moments... a few moments to give me more than enough strength to get through the day.
I got home and plopped on my couch, tired from exhaustion. That's when it finally hit me. Then again, perhaps that was when I admitted it to myself. I don't know. Either way, I knew for certain... that I was quite infatuated with her.
Believe it or not, "Never Gonna Give You Up" was one conversation piece that helped us bond initially.
I know I said I was crushing on another girl in the last post, but this is different! The girl previously mentioned is a friend of mine, and thus, would never make a move on her (read the bloody post for more details). This girl at work, however, is a friend BUT... is not so close of a friend that she is in the dreaded "friend zone". I could ask her out and not worry about ruining a dear friendship. I consulted my a few friends of mine on this and they convinced me to go for it. One of them also reminded me that she wouldn't be around much longer because she's a temp (I was beginning to think that was short for "temptation" rather than "temporary"). This meant, that even if things got awkward after I got shot down, I wouldn't have to see her every day and we wouldn't be dodging each other until the end of time (or until I quit/ get fired).
So, since the beginning of this week I've been mustering up the balls to ask her out (it's not easy for me to do so. I have a very weak track record when it comes to asking girls out). In the few instances we've had to chat this week, we've had some good fun and even some extended, extra long conversations just about anything. I really liked that I could make her laugh. Not just the polite laugh I get from most people but really laugh. I like how she can genuinely make me laugh too. I was really getting on her good side and I really wanted to know more about her...
So, today, I oh-so casually asked if she'd like to join me for dinner.
She said "no".
She said she had a class to attend and I immediately branched the subject away from food and its consumption and the thought of us doing that together and dove straight into the subject of what class she was taking. Then, I quickly, if not awkwardly, left for the evening and now, after a little bit of sulking, I'm sitting here writing this garbage.
Yes, I know she said that she had plans but still... even if she didn't I can't help but think that I just made things really awkward between us. Even if she didn't have plans, I bet she'd still just tell me "maybe some other time... after I don't work here anymore and I'm far far away from you". Yes, I know that's just my low(er) self-esteem talking, I'm sure. Even though I know that, I can't help but feel just a little blue.
Dammit! Why do I have to be such a bloody hopeless romantic?!
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