"Learning To Fly"

"Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there"

It's been a while since I've blogged. Not that I haven't wanted to. I've had plenty of urges to just pour myself onto the screen since my last entry. To tell the truth though, I've been quite busy lately. Busy going out with friends, rebuilding some sort of social life. Busy keeping things in order around the house (save for my room, it's fairly tidy and, despite my bachelor status, I quite like it like that). Busy, trying to strengthen my relationship with my family. When I have the time to blog, I'm often too tired to concentrate on it so, if I do end up writing anything, it just gets scrapped later. Also, if I get the urge to let myself hang out on my little corner of the world-wide web, I usually too... uhm... distraught to bring myself to do it. Not a good thing.

In any case, tomorrow is a pretty important day, not for myself, but for my sister (the middle one). Tomorrow is her graduation ceremony. I can hardly believe it: my little sister, graduating! Every time I think of it, I begin to wonder where all the time has gone.
My sister and barely ever got along when we were younger. I won't go as far as to say I hated my sister, but for a long time I really really REALLY didn't like her at all! My parents shifted a lot of their frustrations and scrutiny to me (still do) while my sister was the golden child. She did everything that she was told to do in the way she was told to do it, even into her early high school days. I don't think she ever noticed it back then, but my parents' showering of adoration over my lil sis was starting to give her a big head. She started to realize she had a one-up on me, and would sometimes use that to her advantage.
That's not to say she was completely evil. Despite all her annoyances and displays of poor attitude, she still cared about me. This side of her would show when I was being berated (probably by my dad) for no-good-reason. She hated to see me upset and was aware of the occasional unjustness being dealt to me. Most of all, I think she hated to see me and my parents disagreeing with one another. I remember she would cry while my parents (probably just my dad) and I argued.
For a long while she had lived a life where I took the blunt of the frustrations my parents had while she bathed in their sheltered adoration and doting. However, I think she really began to mature after I had taken up residence in our basement suite. This left her alone with my mom dad and our recently born youngest sister. With me around not nearly enough to absorb all their ire and criticism, it fell to my sister. It all happened pretty fast and I saw it very soon after I'd moved downstairs. The sudden change was quite overwhelming for her and I remember there was one day she came to me to talk about the trouble she was having with mum n' dad. I thought when she finally felt how I'd felt, I would feel content, happy that the tables had finally turned on her. Instead, I felt sympathy. I knew the position she was in and the pressure she was under and I couldn't help but feel for her. That was the first time she'd opened up to me.
Though we were starting to finally get along (after something like fourteen years), we were hardly Richard and Karen Carpenter. We still had our differences. The biggest and most prominent was my sister's decision to follow in the religious footsteps of my parents. I've got no problem with that. I'm not anti-religious whatsoever. However, in doing so, she felt it necessary to condemn me for sinful ways at every chance possible. This carried on for a long time and probably peaked just as I was beginning my second, and current, bout with depression.
This depression of mine has been a real monkey on my back (to put it VERY LIGHTLY). Despite being the worst thing ever, in some ways, it has served as a blessing in disguise. One such way was the way it brought my sister and I closer than ever before.
I remember one day after I'd been berated by my parents (oblivious to my condition), my sister came down to see me and I was very quiet. Now, normally, she'd probably use the opportunity to diss me or piss me off with her often-untimely sarcasm. Instead she asked if I was okay. She hadn't been aware of the heated discussion between my parents and I and I don't think I was exhibiting any other signs of distress. It was as if she could sense something wrong, like that link that some siblings have with each other or something (or is that strictly twins...?). Months later, after everyone was well aware of my depression and my dad went on that months-long streak of not speaking to each other, my sister and I ended up having a conversation. It was the first time I can ever remember the both of us having a real conversation about real current personal affairs. We talked until about one in the morning about everything from family, to her fast-approaching graduation, to ideologies and codes of ethics. After 16 years, my sister and I actually got to know each other and over time my sister became my friend.

I bought her a graduation gift today. I'd have gotten her something a bit larger and more substantial but I'm out of the job so I hope she likes it. I got her Dr. Suess' "Oh, The Places You'll Go". Yeah, I know it's hardly an original graduation gift. The message contained inside though... well, I couldn't have said it better myself. She has so much potential and so many opportunities and I just want her to know that as she strives to reach her goals, whatever they may be, I will be right beside her, cheering her on and picking her up when she feels like she can't go on. After all, I'd be a pretty crappy brother if I didn't do that.

My sister has sure grown up a lot. I'm so very proud of her and what she's become and eagerly await everything she will be. Whatever she becomes, I will always be proud of her and I will always love her. I hope she knows this.