"In Your Eyes"

"All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade so soon will burn.
Without a noise, without my pride,
I reach out from the inside."

There are times when we find ourselves wondering what the hell we're doing. Who are we? What have we become? Who and what are we going to be tomorrow. I've found that often when people are questioning themselves, past, present, and future, they look to the negative and see everything that is wrong with themselves; the regrets they've made; the bleakness of the future.
Far too often do people grant more weight to the negative rather than the positive.
However, there may have been a time before the gloom that was truly great. A time when we were happy with our life, the universe and everything in it. A time when we were happy and proud to be who we were.
We may ask ourselves how we'll ever be able to get back to the person we once were. The truth is we probably will never truly return to being we were in the past. In fact, it's impossible. Whatever it is that draws us to this slump, we take a little bit of it with us. It's all a part of growing and building character. But can we do it by ourselves? Maybe. Hopefully we don't have to. We like to hope that there will always be someone there for us. Someone who will maintain our sanity, give us solace, and allow us to be ourselves... the person we want to be.
Sometimes that person is a parent. Sometimes it's a life-long pal. Sometimes it's whoever you say your prayers to. And then sometimes it's someone straight out of left field...

At the beginning of the month, I was feeling a bit better. Actually, I should say a lot better considering the state I was in during the previous months. However, I was still suffering from very severe moments of depression. I would slip into it at the most unexpected (and often inconvenient) times. The way I'd felt only a week or two before was beginning to dwindle; I couldn't run off the memory of who I was much longer. I was quickly sliding back into my slump.
It was entirely out of the blue. A lump lodged itself in my throat the day I received that email.
It was from a friend from a few years back. She and I were quite the duo. To say the least, I enjoyed her company immensely. To be frank, however, I loved her terribly. Not the best way to feel towards one of your best friends. You must understand that the only reason I say that is because after professing my interest in furthering our relationship, she withdrew from me eventually citing that she didn't know how to react and didn't think she was good enough for someone like me.
It had been about a year and a half since we'd spoken. I was almost certain that she'd forgotten about me. I'd long since gotten over her and had in fact had my heart broken a few times since. Obliterated once. And here she was, saying she wanted to meet up so she could buy a hat.
How the hell I was supposed to react to this. I was happy that she had decide to get back in touch. I was nervous that it would be awkward. I was anxious to see her again. I was worried she didn't really want to get back in touch and really just wanted to buy some new head apparel.
The day came and all my fears were cast asunder. We ended up going for an extremely long walk through the city (a walk that lasted something like six hours?). All the while talking: catching up, and reminiscing about the good old days. Sharing and laughing like a we hadn't spent a day apart. Like I hadn't spoiled it all by saying something stupid.
I felt rejuvenated just as I had felt when I had spent the evening with my other friend. At the same time I felt very satisfied knowing I hadn't lost a very cherished friend. However, at the back of my head an voice kept reminding me: "the feeling will fade... it always does."
Then she gave me a gift. She hadn't planned on it, I'm sure, but it was a most delightful gift: She was suddenly caught up in a wave of excitement over having me over for waffles and watching a particular show on the telly we had talked about that afternoon. Just as suddenly as she had gotten all riled up, a wave of embarrassment washed over her. I don't know what it was and I dare not venture a guess as I'll surely dilute the what I saw in her in that moment.
She blushed and covered her mouth with her scarf as if it would keep her from speaking anything else that might embarrass her. And there was this look in her eyes. I can't put my finger on it and I won't even try. All I can say is that it filled me with a warmth that was... all too familiar and at the same time foreign and alien.
That moment stays with me like a snap-shot in a photo album. Every now and then, it flashes in my mind and makes me feel that much more whole. Whatever my problems may be, whatever anxieties may be plaguing me, that moment and that day always remind of who I really am. Now, more than anytime in the last 6 months, do I look forward to tomorrow.

Adversity comes in many shapes and forms. Sometimes in overwhelming amounts. And though it may seem at times that we are facing it alone, we need to be willing to let others help us and keep our hearts and our minds open... because you'll never know when someone's going to come save you.