... The face I came to know is missin' too.
I don't know why, but lately I've been feeling lonely. Rather, I should say I'm more lonely than usual. It's a certain kind of lonely too. There's a lonely where you feel abandoned or cast aside and forgotten by others. There's a loneliness you feel when there's absolutely no one around and you merely crave to be around another human being. And then there's the loneliness I'm feeling. It's the kind you feel when it seems like everyone around you seems to walking arm-in-arm, or their fingers interlinked with each others', and you can see three small words being exchanged between people... not always vocally, but in each squeeze of the hand; each smile; each peck on the cheek.
I miss it badly, that feeling of loving someone in such a way any attempt to describe your emotions fails. It's a feeling that's meant to be felt rather than described. But, I think what I miss most is the feeling, the knowing that someone loves me in the same way I love them... but then again, it's been so long since the last time anyone felt that way about me. I wonder if I can ever feel that way again.
One thing that may be greatly attributing to these feelings of loneliness is because I miss her.
For some reason she keeps coming to mind. God, I miss her so much! I'm so serious right now! I don't understand it. I believed that I've since moved on. I mean, I've had crushes on other girls in the last year... even fallen heavily for one or two. But lately she's been all I can think about.
What we had I could never describe. I thought I'd been in love before. I thought I'd been loved before... but what we had, I don't know, it seemed to surpass any of those feelings. There was no questioning if our feelings were real; if maybe we both wanted to be loved so badly we just believed that we loved each other as passionately as we did. I even tried to convince myself of this at the time we needed to go our separate ways; that it was just my foolish heart playing games with my mind. But there was no denying it: I loved her, heart and soul.
I miss it badly, that feeling of loving someone in such a way any attempt to describe your emotions fails. It's a feeling that's meant to be felt rather than described. But, I think what I miss most is the feeling, the knowing that someone loves me in the same way I love them... but then again, it's been so long since the last time anyone felt that way about me. I wonder if I can ever feel that way again.
One thing that may be greatly attributing to these feelings of loneliness is because I miss her.
For some reason she keeps coming to mind. God, I miss her so much! I'm so serious right now! I don't understand it. I believed that I've since moved on. I mean, I've had crushes on other girls in the last year... even fallen heavily for one or two. But lately she's been all I can think about.
What we had I could never describe. I thought I'd been in love before. I thought I'd been loved before... but what we had, I don't know, it seemed to surpass any of those feelings. There was no questioning if our feelings were real; if maybe we both wanted to be loved so badly we just believed that we loved each other as passionately as we did. I even tried to convince myself of this at the time we needed to go our separate ways; that it was just my foolish heart playing games with my mind. But there was no denying it: I loved her, heart and soul.
Since she's been gone, she's left a large nothingness in me I've been trying to fill. I've tried to fill it with the love of another, but girls tend not to notice me or, when they do, they don't like me like that. Mostly, though, I've tried to fill the void with various projects. These include all the film and stage projects (AKA epic phails!) I've mentioned in the past as well as the moderately popular "zombie comics" I've published on my Facebook (using photos of my friends and stock photos of zombies). I think the thing that I've been utilizing to occupy that void the most is this blog: it's given me time to contemplate my life and look at how I'm doing in the moment as well as providing me a place to vent. Although it's proven to be quite therapeutic, it's a mere distraction. All of it, as satisfying (or disappointing) or as time-consuming as they may be, they all fail to truly fill the emptiness in me.
Some people believe in one soulmate or one-and-only's. I don't believe that and I hope to God that I'm right. If I'm not, then I am doomed to walk the Earth with this hole in my soul... because, if we all have one soulmate, if we all have a one-and-only... I've already known and lost mine.
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