"What's My Age Again?"

"No one should take themselves so seriously
With many years ahead to fall in line
Why would you wish that on me?
I never want to act my age
What's my age again?"

My birthday is fast approaching and for the past two years I've had mixed feelings about ageing at around this time. Sometimes, I find myself wondering where the time has gone, baffled at the idea that I'm already as old as I am. Other times, I feel the weathering and erosion that the years and my experiences have brought with them and I feel far older than I am in reality.

When I think about how fast time has flown by, I am amazed that I have already survived (nearly) 21 years. (To use a worn-out cliche) It feels like yesterday, I was singing "Baby Beluga" or playing four-square during lunch. I remember how wondrous and pure, and untainted I saw the world in my youth; the world, my world, consisted of school, friends, family, and various cartoons and video games. But as time went by and I grew older and older, various things were added to this meager list: Responsibilities like chores, jobs, younger siblings, and increasing amounts of homework; other interests such as guitar, acting, and writing; things that needed paying for (ie: bills, bills, taxes, and bills); miscellaneous things like girls, drama between friends, social status.
Sometimes, now that I see just how much an adult has to juggle to get by in life, I'm amazed at how fun and fancy-free I was... we were as children and later young adults. I can hardly believe that time has flown by as fast as it has. It's times like these, when my mind is on this train of thought, that I really don't feel that I've lived for two decades-and-a-little-bit-more but for maybe 15, 16 years tops.
Sometimes, I don't even consider myself an adult. I mean, I have the good sense to know that I have, indeed, come of age. However, there are times when a part of my mind seems to want to remain and dwell upon my years gone by. I find myself wishing I could go back and relive those "good ol' days" when life was so much simpler.

Then there are days when I look in the mirror before work and, as I straighten my tie, think to myself, "buddy, you're getting old". Most others don't work to dispel this idea either: My friends often tell me how "mature" I am. But is it really maturity? I mean, I have acknowledged (after some convincing from friends and miscellaneous others) that I am, at least, a little bit "too mature for [my] age" going so far as to say they can see me dating someone 5-10 years my senior (which I totally would not mind at all). One of my friends just gives it to me straight up (and I don't mind): "Dude! You're an old man!"
Now, I know that maturity and understanding do not equal age. Maturity and understanding equal... well... maturity and understanding. However, these things, along with other experiences, often come together and cause me to feel a weight that seems to surpass my timeline thus far. I sometimes feel that I've managed to cram 45 years-worth of experiences, thoughts, questions and answers into 21 years. This weight, along with other stresses riddled throughout various aspects of my life all seem to come down on me sometimes... often times... a lot (and there, in a very small, very tight nutshell, is the cause for my depression).

21 is just a number. The day I turn 21 won't feel any different from any of the days I was 20. Day by day, week by week, month after month, and year after year, it all stays the same. Time is just another unit of measurement like yards, or meters, or litres, or gigabytes. My memories will always remain in the past and I can look on them in fondness (or not) but I will never be able to relive them; to feel how I felt in moments already cemented in history. And no matter what life has thrown at me, good or bad, until the day I die, I will have to live with them and everything that I have to look forward to. The objective, though it may at times seem daunting to me, is to continue moving forward, to stick to my morals and ethics, and to the best person I can be no matter what. Time... age... has nothing to do with these things except to serve as a method of keeping track of when events have and will occur... and I will face every challenge and cherish every fond moment that comes my way.