"Long Time"

"There's a long road, I've gotta stay in time with
I've got to keep on chasin' that dream, though I may never find it...
...Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' on
You'll forget about me after I've been gone"

For a while now, I've been trying to get quite a few personal projects off the ground. I suppose it's no surprise I haven't been able to complete them; they are fairly ambitious endeavors: I've written the scripts for two film projects (one a full-length feature, the other a "dramedy"*) and I've written a number of skits for a variety show (I would also serve as producer, director, actor, P.R... A whole slew of things) among a few other things.
I've come extremely close to bringing these ideas to life. So why haven't I been able to do so?
Projects such as these aren't like painting or writing a novel or building a model or puzzle. These ideas require a precious commodity that is extremely hard to come by when you don't have a lot of cash to throw around: people and their time.

In terms of the films, my friend and partner-in-film and I found it quite easy to pitch them to people who I thought would be interested in helping. Most people gladly offered to help whenever we needed it. So, we took their word for it. However, when it came to actually getting the various tasks done (ie: cast read-throughs) we could never do it because many people"forgot they had work" or "said they would hang out with someone else that day" or "didn't feel like it" (among other varied reasons).
I was particularly saddened by the sitcom becoming another citizen of Development Hell. It was a much more personal project and contained some of what I consider to be my best ideas, certainly in terms of drama. It fell in the same way the movie had; people just weren't committed.

The variety show was a bit of a different story and it's one that I hate to tell because it depresses my so much, yet it's always on my mind because it was quite important to me. During the last year of high-school I had previously produced a show of the same nature with the help of a number of friends of mine. We were at the top of our comedic form and, after graduation, we always kind of threw the idea around of doing it again, one way or another. Fueled by their enthusiasm, I set to work writing and preparing for, what I was sure to be our greatest show yet.
The scripts I wrote were more or less warmly received and over the next few months they evolved into really great comedic skits. Over that time we would schedule rehearsals and nearly everyone would turn out (or at least they would make an effort). When we weren't rehearsing, I was working to secure the venue we would be performing in or getting approval from sponsors for the show (my friend got us sort of sponsored by Denny's)or contacting a musical act to play a short set or working out the details of how we could donate the money we made and support we'd receive from them (We were eventually recognized and supported by the B.C. Cancer Foundation).
As Spring turned to Summer and as the production moved steadily along, a hype began to build. People were actually waiting for and anticipating the show, which by then had been scheduled for mid-September. It was all coming together so well. I had no doubts that we would be able to pull this off.
However, as September loomed just around the corner, the enthusiasm of several members of the cast began to wane. The show began to lose prominence replaced by the worries and fatigue brought on by school. Rehearsal would be re-scheduled for a later date which would later be re-scheduled for another date which would just get canceled. This continued into September with a few half-hearted (and poorly attended) rehearsals in between. I knew we really needed to rehearse, especially with it being so close to the time we were supposed to perform, but I couldn't bring myself to force and drag people to these rehearsals (I should add, though, that I didn't have a set date for the performance just yet). I mean, who am I to tell people that they must come and put this show on? It's not as if I was paying them. It's not as if they'd signed a contract stating that they were obligated to prioritize the show before school, which is very important. I was supposed to get the actual date of the performance at the beginning of September. However, the disappointment and discouragement of how poorly the rehearsals were consistently becoming, and from the ever-growing lack of enthusiasm from the others, I started to have doubts if the show would even happen.
Eventually, save for a one or two people, the cast stopped talking about. People stoked to see the performance kept asking us when it was going to happen and I had to tell them, lie to them, and tell them that we'd pushed the date back to make it perfect. In time people lost their faith and never mentioned it, except for under their breaths. We came so close and we tripped at the finish line and, against my better judgment and rationale, I blame myself entirely. Not the circumstances of others having school, or the lack of finances to purchase/ rent appropriate costumes/ set pieces, and certainly not the other people I worked so closely on this endeavor with. Me! I blame me!

The failure of these projects I've poured so much of myself into, weighs heavy on me every day. It's as if I haven't received the proper closure I need to distance myself from them. Deep down, though, I don't want closure; I want to finish what I've started.
A part of the reason why I wished to fulfill such ambitious ideas is because I was doing them with my friends; people I cared about. And when it was all said and done, we could look back at them and say "I can't believe we did that". I wanted these projects to be things that they could reflect upon and be proud of but, honestly, I don't ever see that happening.
The way I see it, I have two choices: I can give up entirely and never speak of this stuff again, or I can do it with other people. Maybe I could find people who are willing to volunteer their time and work with me. Perhaps, somewhere in the future, I'll be rich enough to pay people to work for me. Either way, it's a rather bitter end but these projects, trapped in a sort of purgatory, must be put to rest.

So much of myself has gone into these works of mine; they hold a part of me. That being said, if Somehow these works see the light of day the way they were meant to be, that part of me will live forever in the memory of those who witness them. If I abandon all hope, that part of me will die with these ambitions. I've been living with this weight for a long time now... I need to decide if I should keep pursuing my dream or if I should be moving on.

* Although I used it, I do NOT enforce the use of the word "DRAMEDY".