"If You Could Read My Mind"

"When you reach the part where the heartache comes,
the hero would be me.
But heroes often fail."

So, apparently, people actually read this stuff. I have to admit that it's made me somewhat hesitant when typing out how I'm feeling. Well, it used to, anyway. I remember when I first created this blog, I was either prompted or somehow stumbled upon an option to make my site either private or public. I chose for it to remain public. The reason for this is because I have nothing to hide and I am usually very open about myself in person anyway.
I try to keep my entries somewhat vague in terms of the people I mention. When it comes to mentioning people in my life, I don't use names, including my own. Friends and family etc. are all given aliases subject to change from entry to entry. I do this because it's my life that is on display here, not the lives of others. However, other people help to shape the world around me and I can only write so much about how my life is going before I have to start including other people in this blog. I keep their identities vague as a sort of way of honoring their own privacy. Those who know me personally and read this might be able to figure out who some of these people are, and this, perhaps, is what caused me to really watch my step when writing for a while.

I've always kept in mind, however, that this blog is not primarily intended for others. Yes, I've allowed the general public access to my inner thoughts and personal experiences but, as I've said before, this site, these writings, are for me.
The way I write may be viewed as contradictory to that statement. I do write my entries either as a sort of narrative (when I'm logging an experience) or as an essay (when trying to express my ideals or other things of the like). These are things people write for other people to read. So, am I really writing for this unseen audience? Is this blog a cry out to the public to hear what I have to say rather than a place I can occasionally log my thoughts and events in my life?
I asked myself this question. The answer is "no".
If this is so, one reading this might ask "then why do you write this way? Why do you write in such a manner that an audience is almost necessary to make your compositions complete?"
We all have those moments when we think about our lives, our experiences, our ideals... whatever. When I do this, just sit or lie awake in bed and think, I find that I can think about whatever it is that's on my mind quite clearly... but I haven't quite put it all together coherently. It's as if you see a jigsaw puzzle before you. Maybe you have some of the pieces. Maybe you have all of the pieces. Hell, maybe you have all the pieces and they've been arrange in such a way that all you have to do is slide and snap them into place. To me, that is what sitting and thinking is like: a complete idea, incomplete.
Now, I've noticed when one (including myself) tries to explain them self to another person, it often comes out fragmented or choppy ("Hey, you know that feeling when... like... I don't know... when... when.. Awww, you know what I'm talking about, right?"). Yet, I have little doubt that this idea that they are trying to let out, manifest in some shape or form, is quite clear in their minds. When I write here, this is me, in a (coherent) sense, talking to myself... confessing to myself... reminding myself. This is me sliding and snapping the pieces together for myself... and others... to see.

So, this is why I write this way. This is why people find my thoughts and ideas easily accessible and, I suppose, why they continue to read it. I don't consider it eavesdropping, or snooping, or any sort of breach of privacy. Again, if I didn't want people to read this garbage, I'd ditch this site and keep a journal with a lock on it. Besides, there are a few things in my life that I like to keep private... things I don't even like to talk about... but I'm sure I've slipped a few hints as to what these might be here and there in this blog.
The question I now ask is why people read this stuff. I can't admit to being all that interesting and I don't suppose I've stumbled across anything earth-shattering while writing here. What's more, my blog isn't very happy, unfortunately. I mean, I'd like it to be more uplifting or at least less dreary. But as of lately... well, as of the past three years(-ish)... one won't very often find that sort of thing in me. Also, one should not expect some sort of story-land happy-ending turnaround blog post to appear sometime in the future. This is my life, it's real, and very rarely in real lives do all the nasty loose ends and unfortunate events get tied up nice and fairytale-like.

But don't go losing all hope now. I know I won't.

Aww, dammit! Now I'm feeling all melodramatic and melancholic! I think it's about time I clicked this link over here............