"I Hate This Part"

"I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through my fingers"

Very rarely do our relationships with others withstand the pressures and tribulations that life brings us. There are some relationships that are able to withstand the tests of time but they are few and far between. We never expect them though, these dissolutions. We go through life, we meet people, befriend them, and somehow always think that we'll always be friends with them... that we'll, at least, always be on good terms with them. Then, be it a shattering moment or a slow errosion, it's just not there anymore; we lose the loyalty and the trust and time spent together building a solid relationship.
Of course, we don't expect everyone we befriend to be a life-long friend-'til-the-end. We learn sometime early in our adulthood that not everyone we call friend will always be there. We all go our seperate ways, but usually the relationship is not dissolved... just on hiatus, as it were. However, when people who are in solid relationships have a falling out, it is very difficult to watch. People who were once as close as brothers and sisters afterwards can not even bare to look upon each other without cursing each other under their breaths. People who everyone thought was the cutest couple and could always imagine getting married go through grotesque break-ups and make the effort to stay away from each other. Indeed, it's horrific to watch.

I've been involved in a few of these. I was once a part of a group of friends that now looks upon their time together with such disgust, it's actually quite upsetting that they choose to disregard absolutely everything good that happened (I was not directly involved with any of the numerous conflicts that plagued the group). I even had a friend I had to distance myself from. A few other friends and I were maturing and he was not and, though I was glad we had good times in the past, it upset me to see him in the exact same mind-set he was in while going through elementary school while others were quickly growing up. Another very dear friend of mine whom I thought was trying to mend our friendship after previously leaving me alone without a word, now shuns me and for no apparent reason I can think of (I admit, I do still care though). I remember the ache I felt within me while passing through these phases... the same ache I feel when I remember and reminice what it was like in the old days.
It's the same ache I feel everyday now. Only this time... it is much much closer to home.

I wrote of the growing rift between my father and myself a while back. I think I wrote sometime afterwards that I was not happy or satisfied with our current situation. And if I didn't, well, here it is! I truly hate where this is going. I've seen it happen before. I've lived through it before. I've allowed relationships between myself and those I care for to fall into disrepair (yes, I do, to some degree, blame myself for not intervening when I could... should have), but this... the relationship between a father and his son... this isn't something one can just let slip through their fingers!
Yet, I don't know what I can do. I have nothing to make amends for... nothing to apologize for. Everything I've said or done in response to his (in)actions are non-regrettable. I can not expect him to change who he is; that would be hypocritical, since I will not betray myself and allow him to think that his actions and his words are justified. That being said, I can not agree with him, his methods, his train of thought, his logic.
I feel like I'm floating in space. Nothing but dead space and silence between us and nothing to ground me. I feel I have no control over the direction this is heading in... I only have the fear of heading towards a dreadful and haunting unknown.

I know this is taking a toll on the rest of our family, most notably, my sister (the middle one). Of all the people in our household she is the only one I come remotely close to discussing this with. In fact, she is the person I feel most comfortably discussing this with out of everyone. I know I have a few friends I can tell everything to... but this is an internal affair, and, perhaps that is why I make an effort to keep this from them.
I see that my sister is hurting from watching us fall apart. She is in the position I usually find myself: on the sidelines as grotesque mutations of those we love tear each other to shreds. She is the one that makes me want to end this. To say something that will cause this fued to subside. Somehow, though, I can not see my father and I ever putting this behind us. Well, at least, I can't see myself putting it behind me. As I mentioned before, I was slighted badly and the wound cut deep. So deep in fact, that even my little sister's grief won't bring me to make some sort of first- step towards peaceful resolution.

I am usually a very forgiving person but right now I'm really not in the mood to forgive. maybe, somewhere in the future, I will be able to put this behind me. Maybe there is something to salvage of this broken relationship. Perhaps, all is not completely lost. I truly hope so... but not now.